My absence

Hey all you blog follower.

I know you've all been terribly upset that I haven't been posting lately. I'm not going to lie, things are really going to slow down here for a while. I've got two classes that require me to keep a journal, and I also keep my own. After writing three journals a day, I'm not going to lie, I'm probably not going to write a blog as a forth journal. Will I ever post again? Yes. Yes I will. But I can't say when.

I know all of you are terribly dissapointed, I hope you manage to keep on living despite this crushing let-down.

I will return

Steve

Making a Game Plan

This thought goes out to anyone out there who might not be perfect.

And I'm keeping it short.


Recently I read a book called "Humility, true Greatness," and the thing that I liked most about it was that the author basically said that we need to take pride seriously and try to get a handle on it. But unlike so many other books authored by our esteemed giants of Christian thinking* he actually gives practical suggestions of things to DO.

But this is different from a list of "do"s and "don't"s to keep as a set of rules. He's saying that if you want to affect yoru feelings and attitudes you need to develop a strategic plan.

If you want to be a Marathon runner you don't just watch "Chariots of fire" and get inspired and go out and try really hard. You get a plan with small, practical, steps and you work on those steps. This isn't legalistic. This is trying to achieve a goal.

Once I was in therapy and we tried to change my perception of a few things by changing the way I thought. But we discussed specific ideas and thought patterns to avoid, we didn't just say "do better at that."

Why have I been trying to just "be more humble" without coming up with a set of peramiters, routines, and small steps? Is it becuase that's not natural and therefore not relational? Is it because that's relying on my own strength instead of God's? Or is it becuase I needed to read a book where a guy told me I could actually do that?

*and I'm totally thinking Larry Crabb here

Freedom of Humilty

Friends, I'm on the verge of something here. I think we should all put this in our pipes and smoke it for a while. I'm not saying that I've figured out something great, but I think there is something great yet to be discovered in the freedom of Humility. So feel free to take this idea and run farther with it than I have.

But I just read a GREAT book for class. It was called "Humilty, True Greatness" and I've decided that I am going to wage war with pride in my life. I mean I've been trying to be more humble for a long time becuase that's a Biblical commandment, but I've never really stopped and said "I'm going to develop a plan and tackle this issue head on." It's just like unbuilding walls, we need to take it one step at a time and by changing the condition of our hearts, and unlearning habits and thoughts that we've picked up through a fallen world can help us rearrange our feelings and our instincts.

I haven't fully formulated my game plan on that one yet, I'll keep you posted. But I have been thinking about how great it would be to truly have humility. You see my problem is that for some reason I'm convinced that I have to perform before an imaginary audience so I feel like I'm "good enough."

I need to make sure that I have a good enough job, that I am a good enough student, that I'm a good enough friend, or boyfriend, or whatever. I'm trying so hard to make sure I live life the "right way" or that I'm doing good enough for God to be proud of me.

But remember a few posts ago when I talked about surrender? We're not fast enough to win the 200 meter dash? Well I've realized that in this life we are totally down on the track with the rest of the runners, but we're not going to run.

I imagine muyself eating a hot-dog and snapping pictures while all the other runners are stretching out and getting ready for the race. I understand that I'm not really a runner and I'm never going to win. But I'm here on God's invitation. He never expected me to run and neither did anyone else. People know I'm too slow for that. But if I'm truly humble and understand who I am I can enjoy my hot-dog and look forward to watching the race.

Getting away from the racing image: I envision a scenario like this some time.

Imagine a child overhears his parents talking about how money is a little tight. What is the child supposed to do? Wouldn't it break your heart if you came into your childs room and he was crying? You'd ask

"what's the matter?"

And your chld replies in tears "I've been saving my lunch money and trying to do chores around the neighborhood so I could make money so we wont have to be homeless...but I only made 4 dollars."

And of course you would sweep that child into your arms and tell him that you were going to take care of him and that he didn't have to make the money for the family and that everything was fine and he could live his life and be a normal kid and he should eat lunch every day and rest assured that his mother and father were going to take care of the money for him and make sure he was allright.

And the child would be so relieved. That relief is the freedom of humilty.

What if that child wasn't saving up money for a week, but for a year? For two years? For an entire life time? When I feel the need to perform for God or for Cortney or for "people" in general so I can be "good enough" to feel good about myself I'm just a little boy crying in his bed becuase he couldnt' make enough money to pay the rent. I think it breaks my Father's heart.

Nothing to fear but...

Ok so here is something weird. I don't know if anyone else is going to say they feel the same way as I do, but we'll see.

Yesterday I was reading some kind of book about blagh blagh blagh education grad school blagh blagh you get where I"m going with this.

Well anyway. It goes on to talk about all the "desert fathers," and monks and people who have lived their entire lives ensconced in spiritual disciplines, scripture, and the pursuit of knowing God better. And we all say that we are dedicated to these things but I mean for real...these people didn't have jobs. They just did this stuff all day every day.

And I was thinking to myself that that didn't sound so bad, but then I realized I was a little afraid to really get deep with God myself. You see the thing of it is I'm a little afraid to lose what I have these days. I have a beautiful fiancee, a degree in a field I kinda like, a shelf full of books I haven't read yet, and a Nintendo wii. Good night why would I want to change the status quo?

I realized that whenever you really love something you give that thing power over you. My fanatic-like love for the Buckeyes enslaves me to the T.V. every Saturday in the fall and my love for Cortney keeps me tied to my cell-phone. And I think these are good deals. I'm willing to do these things.

But MAN. Really loving God, I mean REALLY loving God. He could make you do ANYTHING. Like, I don't know anyone as crazy and unpredictable as God, he is a wild-card. And it's my goal in life to be completely besotted and helplessly head over heels with a wild-card.

I think that's part pf what it means when the Bible talks about "fear of the Lord." Aslan was never a tame lion. And so I'm signing up. It sounds like a good deal. And I really DO want to fall deeper and deeper in love with God. But I'm kinda afraid to see what he's going to make me do in the future. They say Jesus came to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable, and for once I'm comfortable.

Glorious Defeat

As is often the case when exploring the nature of our Lord, we may have to live in a little tension between two truths that seem mutually exclusive. Most people like to say that we need to learn how to hold these truths in balance. I like to say "you're not going to figure it out ever because you are a dirty sinner and sinners don't get to understand all the ways of God." It helps me sleep better at night because I spend less time thinking about questions without answers.

But anyway, I give that disclaimer so that you understand I know that what I am about to tell you is not the end all be all of how you are to live your life, but rather something you must consider while trying your hardest to live a God honoring lifestyle. End disclaimer.


I think that sometimes defeat is a good thing. I know that's not a winner's attitude, but some situations aren't set up for you to win. They* say guilt is a sign of an impossible goal. I'm not one of them, but I would say despair probably fits in with that too.

Because if you were utterly convinced that it was vitally important for you to win a gold medal in the 200m dash, that idea would probably consume your life. All the training and dieting, all the effort, all the living breathing, and thinking about sprinting would really wear on a person. Especially if your name isn't Usain Bolt. See the thing is, everyone who ISN'T named Usain Bolt is incapable of winning the gold. And therefore, if winning that medal is something of vital importance to you, you are set up for a life of guilt, despair, and feelings of inadequacy.

So maybe it wouldn't be so bad of a thing if one day you got in a car accident and the doctor told you you would never run again. True, your dream was unrealized, but lets be honest, it was going to be unrealized anyway. Now you are free to live your life because you are no longer consumed or haunted by the feeling that you need to achieve the unachievable.

You see where I'm going with this? I am a sinner. I can't be perfect. Never will be. And try and try as I can to be the perfect friend, student, boyfriend, student activity coordinator, what have you, it's not going to happen. See we all know that Jesus takes care of our sins, but for some reason there is still a temptation to "Be the best that we can be."

Ok I'm all for that but I think we must also realize that we have already lost the battle. We have already lost the war. We will never win the gold. In fact, we will never even qualify or the Olympic trials...because we are slow. The thing is, we've been going about it all wrong. Because Usain runs for us and he is willing to give us the gold medal that we couldn't win for ourselves. You might say that you don't like that and you'd rather train for it and earn it. Well that's called pride. And the real truth about the matter is that it doesn't matter what you think, you are never going to win.

But God is willing to run the race and fight the battle for us. So I think that while many of us are feeling guilty and distraught it is time to put up the white flag of surrender and accept the glorious defeat that comes from letting God do what only He can do, while you enjoy the comfort of watching from the sidelines.

Does this mean that we should all sin the more so that God can show his glory even more and win bigger battles for us? In the words of the apostle Paul "Hell no."** It's a tension. Learn to live with it.


*Clinical psychologists
** Yeah, I went there, but if you translate the Greek, so did Paul.

Vegetables

No human man could get away with inventing something as stupid as the vegetable. God must apparently have a plan for them, but I don't know what it is, because it certainly doesn't involve eating.

Today I ate an entire bag of frozen stir fry vegetables. Why? Because I'm trying to be healthy and because I got it for free out of my mom's freezer when we moved out. 5 servings of vegetables--125 calories.

125!? You would need over fifteen bags of vegetables to meet the recommended caloric intake every day! This is why so many people DIED foraging for food in the wild before they learned how to sharped a spear. If you are starving in the wild you could stumble upon an entire vegetable GARDEN and you would STILL be screwed because there isn't enough food in a bag of carrots to keep you alive long enough to finish eating them. On an episode of LOST this woman starts planting avegetable garden. If I were on that island I would tell her "Stop wasting your time screwing around here in the dirt...unless you are looking for worms to eat. If you are looking for worms then keep doing it becuase that's helpful. If you're planting vegetables you should probably start looking for worms instead, or learn how to grow a freaking twinki."

That...AND they taste like DEATH. I force fed myself 5 servings of some watery plant crap and was about to congratulate myself on a dirty job well done when I realized I had actually eaten the equivalent of 1/16 lb of hamburger. That's like going to work all day for a dime. Also the dime burns in your pocket and gives you a rash.

If you eat food all day people will call you a glutton. If you eat vegetables all day they will call you anorexic. So next time you are eating water and cell walls disguised as a food group, do yourself a favor and put the fork down because you are just wasting your time.

Nope

I am FINALLY settled in at Huntington after 4 weddings, two moves, and way too much time in the car. So maybe just maybe, if there is anyone left reading my blog, perhaps they will be treated to some more regular posting.


Today I'm here to inform you about the power of the word "nope."

"Nope" is as word generally reserved for the rude and the impatient. But I would like to present it to you now as an acceptable alternative to the word "no."

Becuase "Nope" does not just mean "no I think I'd rather not do that thing you are suggesting." "Nope" means "There is no way I am ever going to do that thing you are suggesting, I've thought about it, and I've decided that is just not going to happen, and you might as well not ever bring it up again or try to convince me becuase I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not be doing that thing."

The best thing about the word "nope" is the stupified silence that generally follows it. Most people do not argue with "nope" they simply are at a loss for words. Realizing that it is useless to argue, but feeling all the same that arguing is the normal course of action, it is quite likely that people will stare at you dumbfounded, amazed at the no-nonsense manor in which you dismissed their suggestion. Example.

Andrew: Hey Steve you wanna go on Spring Break with us? We're hiking the Appalachian trail.
Steve: No.
Andrew: Come on it will be fun. I've got some shoes you can borrow.
Steve: No I don't really like hiking.
Andrew: No come on, it will be sweet. We'll go slow and stuff. Me and Snader and Jordan will be there and it will be good jokes.

OR it could go like this.

Andrew: Hey Steve you wanna go on Spring Break with us? We're hiking the appalachian trail.
Steve: Nope
Andrew.... Wanna go to taco bell?


I have now entrusted all of you with the power of "nope". Please use it wisely.

disillusion

"Young Adulthood is a time of disillusionment."

No one to my knowledge has ever said this quote but if you want to maybe someday someone would quote you and put a "~" next to it with your name. And after you die maybe even your name and a date after it.

Because I think it's pretty true. There are a lot of things that happen for the first time at this little stage of life I like to call "kinda like being an adult but with less money." Like getting a job, moving out on your own, being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, etc... And as it turns out a lot of it is less glamorous than we had previously been lead to believe. But the point of this post is not to focus on my life (which is actually doing pretty good right now, thanks for asking) but to focus on the idea of disillusionment itself.

We normally associate being disillusioned with negative experiences and sad times. In effect, we have negative connotations with this word. But really, why is that? Because to become disillusioned is to leave behind the illusion and to understand reality.* To become disillusioned is to learn the truth, and in general, I consider that a good thing.

What it generally comes down to is that things in this world are not as good as we think they are and that they will not make us as happy as we think they will. This isn't depressing, its just how it is.

Because we are fallen people. And we are desperately trying to fill the hole in our heart created by the separation we experience apart from God. And we have these illusions that money, success, healthy relationships, security, entertainment, or whatever, can fill this hole and make us complete.

But the truth is these things don't cut it. And one by one as our illusions fade we are able to more fully understand the truth of the matter- that only God will fill us up. So every time you are disappointed or disillusioned, praise God and turn over your expectations to Him.

*I Believe it was Denis Dee Young of Styx who once said "Take me tonight, to the river, and wash my illusions away...SHOW ME THE WAYYYYYYYYYY."

A harsh reality

A few days ago I did something that I haven't done in years, and I think all of you should try it too. I went to the playground.

I was really excited to live out my childhood again and cavort around the jungle gym like days of old. But when I began "scampering" across the playground I encountered something that shocked me right out of my childhood innosence and back into the dissapointing reality of young adulthood.

The Monkey Bars

Friends...I can no longer cross the monkey bars.

Now although I don't think I'm the most fit person that ever lived, (After all Ryan Anderson and Eric Gingerich read this blog) I wouldn't describe myself as a fatty fat fatso with girly arms either. The Monkey bars, however, decided that I was.

Right now you are probably thinking "Oh wow, that's too bad for Steve, but I'm glad I can still do the monkey bars." Well for most of you I've got some advice. If you want to keep believing that, and you weigh more than 55 pounds, stay away from the playground.

The Brothers

Like my good friend Ben I have finally joined the exclusive club of people who have actually read "The Brothers Karamazov" from start to finish.

And would you like to know what I've taken away from what some people call the greatest novel ever written?

1) It sucks to live in Russia
2) Rich people are mean to poor people
3) Authors should never be paid by the word or they turn out stuff like this.

Now, I understand that the entire literary world has not been duped, and it is I, not the world, who doesn't understand the merits of this book. I would like to compliment the author for producing something way way way the frick over my head.

But to us common folk (who don't like reading 50 pages of fictional memoirs of a fictional priest, who was only a side character character mentioned only because he at one time encountered the main character, who doesn't really SEEM to be the main character but really is only the little brother of the character that is involved in the murder trial which is the ONLY significant event in the 800 page book) this great work of literature might seem a bit wordy.

I've decided that from now on I am going to stop reading "classics" just because they make me feel smart. If I really want to feel smart I'll play Jeopardy with a ninth grader.

For the rest of you I have decided to sum up this 342,000 word novel into a blog-post so you can all feel smart for reading it too. Perhaps some day in the future we will all be able to have books "tweeted" at us, but until then you have the dangerzone.

The Brothers Karamazov, all the good parts.

There were once three brothers who had a dad who was a really big jerk. One of them was studying with the priests. Poor people and rich people are different and rich people from the army can do whatever they want. Some dude wants to sell a forest, another guy gets pulled around by his beard, vodka is plentiful, and people can fall in and out of love multiple times in one week. The oldest son and the dad like the same girl, but she doesn't really like either of them. It's possible to spend 1,500 roubles partying in one night in Russia. A guy gets murdered and his son gets blamed for it. Because forensic science does not exist in the past the crime is unsolvable despite the presence of the murder weapon, fingerprints, etc... Then some guys talk a lot about the nature of blagh blagh blagh and then some guy is delusional and then a girl ruins everything by becoming hysterical and a dude goes to prison. Also, a boy loses his dog.

I hope this helps to enlighten you.

On the Road

Hey friends

So I'm sorry it's been so long. I know you've all been annoyed with my hiatus. I think that I lose a reader every time I go a week without blogging. that means that at this point I think I'm at negative five.

1) My mom got married
2) I'm in chicago
3) I'm going to New Jersey this weekend

It's been a little hectic. Sorry. I'll blog again...some day.

Cort and I are getting married July 17th 2010 in Chicago. You are all invited. I feel like it's safe to say that becuase the 8 people who read this blog were probably going to be invited anyway. And AJ in Nashville. If you really want to come you can, but I'll understand if you're busy.

Patience is a Virtue

I think most people would agree that patience is good. And I think that a lot of people would agree you should work towards building up character. But I very rarely meet anyone who intentionally tries to become more patient. Why?

Because BECOMING patient is boring. BEING patient however, is amazing. Frustration, anger, boredom, irritability, hasty words, and bad decision making can (emphasis on can) be symptoms of impatience.

Building patience, however, is anti American because it isn't requires you not getting to do what you want, and it isn't productive. Also, it's counter intuitive.

So the other day I decided to build my patience. I drove 5 miles under the speed limit for four hours straight this Sunday. This might horrify you, but if you do the math it comes out to costing me 20 minutes of my life.

Twenty minutes that might have been spent surfing the Internet, napping, watching TV, having pointless phone conversations, eating a snack, playing a video game, or writing on a blog. It's also twenty minutes that could have been put to good use, but lets be honest, I don't put much of my time to good use unless forced to.

Our culture is one of instant gratification. Imagine this. You can understand how sometimes rich people are more greedy with their money. Having a lot of something and reaping its rewards might make you cling to it harder. We are the fastest civilization that has ever existed. Cell phones, the Internet...the Internet ON cell phones...fast food, time saving/multitasking devices...all of these things make us think that NOW is good and later is bad, and we DESERVE now.

I'm not here to tell you that the sky is falling or that cell phones are contributing to the gradual disintegration of society as we know it. That's the sort of argument that should be made by somebody with FACTS! I offer only conjecture.

So do a little conjecturing of your own. Drive 60 on the interstate for thirty minutes. You'll feel like a slow idiot, but it will only take 2.5 minutes out of your life.** Then think real hard about all the things you would probably have spent 2.5 minutes on. I bet you spend the 32.5 minutes thinking a litte bit about the nature of patience and why we selfishly covet even the smallest increments of our time.

I think it would be a 2.5 minutes well spent. And if the drivers behind you get angry at you for the seconds it costs them, perhaps you'll wish that others were more patient too.

Ambulance drivers should not be patient. They can disregard this post, just like I know everyone else will.


*The Irony

**Probably a little bit more, assuming you were going to drive over the speed limit.

A basic question

So, I've been taught two things about God. They don't seem to add up. As we all know, sometimes things that seem mutually exclusive can be true about God becaue he's just that smart. But I'm going to take a look at this anyway because it's something I've been thinking about lately.

1) Is the chief purpose of our lives to go out into the world, making disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit? Are we here to build God's kingdom? Are we on a mission? Are we harvesters in the field?

OR

2) Is the cheif end of man to know and enjoy God?* The Bible is a story of God pursuing us, and our only aim is to know Him better. As we are drawn into a more intimate relationship with him we are transformed, and all else preceeds as a natural outflow of that relationship.


Now, it's pretty popular to write a book that says our purpose is soley to know God. Thank you John Piper and Larry Crabb.** It's also very popular to appeal to our sense of being on "A mission from God" when we are speaking from the pulpit and trying to convince Christians "on the fence" that it's time to do "x, y, or z."

I tried the first one out for most of my life, and recently decided I thought there was more truth in the second approach. This decision was reached when I realized that enjoying God as the purpose of life was much more sustainable and do-able, or as Dr. Mark Cosgrove would say less "exestentially repugnant."

But I try to be cautious any time I come across a new approach to God that makes me feel better and that life is easier than I thought. Why? Not becuase I think God hates me, but becuase I understand that the Christian life isn't inherrently a call to feel good and take it easy.

So I've been trying to decide. If I had a face to face conversation with God*** would I feel unbelievably relieved that He had the situation at hand (like a 5 year old who found out he doesn't have to make enough money at his lemonade stand to support the family when he thinks his dady might get laid off), or will I be a bit ashamed when I begin to realize the mantle of responsability that has been laid on me and how I've not been paying enough attention to it?

BOTH you say? Well you have a high tolerence for ambiguity. And when dealing with God that's a really good thing. I agree with you, it's both. But dang, we make a lot of decisions, preach a lot of sermons and feel a lot of anxiety/relief based on which frame of reference we are opperating out of at the time. I suggest we try to be aware of that.

*Heidelberg Catechism
**I liked these books, I'm just saying
***And was not blasted to freaking smithereens by his refulgent glory

An Engaging Story

Hello Blogaholics

You may have noticed that I've been away for a while. Well believe it or not I've been a bit busy. "With what?" you might ask. Well I'd be delighted to tell you. It SEEMS that despite all odds I have finally convinced a beautiful woman to marry me.

Yes it's true. I didn't want anyone to find out over the Internet but since writing on my blog is like shouting in outer space I figured that I couldn't do much damage.

But anyway yes. On June 19th I asked Cortney Michelle Korshak if she would be my wife and after she finished crying she said "yes." She even agreed to it before she stopped and looked at the ring. That's how you know she means it.

I would like to say "Thank You" to everyone who knew ahead of time** and helped to keep it a secret. And I would also like to say thank you to our friends who drove to Fort Wayne to celebrate with us.

Cortney and I have both been blessed with amazing friends and the love that her and I share is only possible because of the love that has been lavished on us by God, our families, and our friends. When congratulated by my life-long room-mate and friend, Jordan Beck, I said "I couldn't have done it without you." And as cheesy as that sounds (and is) I do believe that it's true. Cortney and I were helped along the way by many, and we hope that never changes.

I've spent the last few days feeling mighty pleased with myself, since I've now got a fiancee who is: committed to God, committed to the idea of marriage, a good friend, a fun companion, my biggest fan, a leader by example, a teacher, loving and kind, and a smoking hottie.

I would have had pictures, but the afore mentioned fiancee often forgets to upload pictures to computers before going back to Chicago. Maybe after she reads this blog post she will e-mail me a few.

And now I'm done bragging. Although I am still very smug and pleased with myself, I will tomorrow return you to your regularly scheduled blog.


*For all the world to hear, if anyone is there.
** Almost everyone I knew

Stuff girls Like VI: Hating their hair

Now I've never been a woman. Not even once. But I've been related to several of them and I've gone to school with many many more. I've even dated some. And I've learned something. Girls (not necessarily women) are in a near constant state of wanting their hair to be in some way different from what it is.

The most notable example for this observation comes in the form of length. Girls will spend literally an entire year growing their hair longer, complaining all the time that they have split ends but not daring to get it cut because that would just prolong the process of obtaining the ultimate goal: long hair.

This long hair is often times considered beautiful by men and women alike but is reportedly inconvenient to girls. So after spending a year growing it out girls will decide "It's time for a change."

Fortunately for girls they have figured out a way to avoid the midlife crisis by channeling all that need for excitement and change into attacking their hair. The imagine that cutting off the foot of hair they have spent a year cultivating will bring about a shocking transformation in their life that no one will fail to notice and appreciate.

Despite the fact that every girl does this like clockwork it is the responsibility of every other individual to act completely surprised. "Oh dear goodness what have you done with all your hair? It's so short...its so....CUTE!"

An instant boost of confidence follows the cutting of the hair because it says "I'm bold, I'm out there, I'm unpredictable, and above all, I'm cute." But this temporary high lasts only as long as it takes for said girl to see a picture of herself when she had long hair.

"Oh I miss my hair, why did I cut it all off?"

And so the cycle continues; or as we would say in the hair world. Lather rinse repeat.

For girls the search for the perfect hair is continuous quest that is never satisfied. However it is the job of men to pretend that the quest for perfect hair is in the constant state of total fulfillment.

"Your hair is so long/short, it's completely perfect!"

Twitter

Recently some of my aquaintences have encouraged me to get Twitter because it's "cool." For those of you who do not know what Twitter is please let me fill you in on something you can NOT miss out on for even one more second.

Twitter is to blog as text message is to E-mail.

That's right. Instead of writing anything of substantive thought one simply "tweets" sentence fragments to a website throughout the day so that people can check in on the minute details of your life without actually having to talk to you. FINALLY! Science a created something that has captured the best part of human relationships! I can now hear about the most boring and irrelevent details of a person's day without the cost of personal interaction!*

Or, if you are obsessed with some one like Ryan Seacrest you can find out what he's doing multiple times every day!**

But. I DESPERATELY need people to think that I'm cool so I decided to tweet my day away. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford a twitter*** so I had to "tweet" all my thoughts here at the dangerzone. I've been writing them down all day and now I'll share them with all of you. Please enjoy all the really important stuff I had to say all day.

10:23 AM: whoa, slept in 2day. good thing i don't have a job

11:02 I luv dino bites cereal. u think i can make $$$ marketing "lunch cereal," or "diner cereal." different flavors uv course, and professional boxes, so u could take it to work.

11:12 Shoot, I just missed 11:11

11:50 playing Halo n00bs!

2:14 Wonder's what it all means...?

4:29 OMG reading so much today. I think i need more friends

6:15 ate so many M&M's today. But I also 8 pb and j for dinner. So good. How about pb and J dinner cereal?

8:14 Luv U Cort!

9:51 "I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song" ~ Fall Out Boy


11:13 DANG IT! Missed 11:11 again. Oh well. does anyone out there wanna hang out? Call me if you do.

11:14 Better yet don't call, just post on my facebook wall. It apears I've developed a social anxiety disorder.

11:36 wrote a blog post and was terribly pleased with myself.

*Now I'm just waiting for something pees on your floor and smells bad but wont play with you or guard the house. Then I'll never have to get a dog.

**This is not a joke. The link is real, click on it. Ryan Seacrest had a salmon salad tonight.

***It's free...I know that. It's a joke

Another Brick in the Wall

I just read a book with an ending almost as shocking as Ender's Game. Which brings me to my next point. Why haven't you read Ender's Game yet?

I've learned something by being at a private Christian college for five years. Education is expensive. But I have also learned that people expect you to find your vocation and calling. What is calling you might ask? I had a Christian Ed. Proff once tell me that calling was "Where your deepest desire meets the world's greatest need."*

I sincerely hope that the world's greatest need involves me playing final fantasy and eating Reeces Pieces

Like I'm assuming at least one other Christian feels, I find myself overwhelmed by guilt and a feeling of inferiority because I don't think I've found a fulfilling and significant vocation that is "good enough" to justify all the faith and encouragement that has been invested in me by loved ones throughout my life.

But then it occurs to me, "when did we become obsessed with finding a calling?" Is that mandated by God? I think not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting we take jobs we hate and put as little of ourselves into our work as possible. But we (I) need to stop acting like we (I) will only be living half a life if we (I) don't find that right vocation out there that is both at once the worlds greatest need and our (my) deepest passion.

Only in Western Industrialized societies would we care about crap like this. In the distant past women kept the home and men did whatever the heck their dads did. Were these people a disappointment to God because farming or shoe making was a way of life that contributed to society and supported their families rather than met their inner longings for ministry?

Even today in some cultures almost everybody is a farmer. If we told them some peoples were dance instructors for a living they'd be so confused.

If I told the people in my cohort that I was in higher ed because I liked it and I was good at it but it wasn't some burning passion or deep calling I think they would probably tell me to try a different field after I graduated.

I really want to be open to God's voice, but He has never spoken to me as clearly as He apparently speaks to some people. So until he does I suppose I'll just have to exchange hours of my talent and service in a useful way for monetary compensation in a manner that I enjoy. Hope that's enough for all you purists out there.

*I believe this guy was quoting fredrich Beuchner

forgiveness

Please note that I don't think I'm saying anything new here. But rather I'd just like to share with you how strongly I recently felt the truth of something I already knew.

I finished reading "It Came From Within" By Andy Stanley, and although it could probably have been effectively summarized in 20 pages it was still a good book. One of the things it talked about doing was intentionally forgiving others through a specific exercise.

Anger basically says "you owe me." We don't normally think of it that way because what is owed to us is usually something ethereal or intangible. "You owe me time, respect, love, appreciation, your consideration, friendship, etc..." Often times we are owed things that cannot be paid back, but it doesn't change the concept. If you disagree with my oversimplification of anger I will cite Dr. Danger who was known to say "Anger is a sign of a blocked goal."* Think about this long enough you realize that it is basically true. If you still disagree you can call me and we can discuss it, or you can simply ask me next time you see me because the only people who read this blog are my family and Cortney. But I digress

Anger means "You owe me." To forgive means, "I acknowledge and cancel the debt."

The exercise I read about in the book involves detailing the things owed to you by another person. The point of this isn't to dwell on these things and fuel your anger, but rather to make sure that you have an accurate picture of what you're doing, and making sure that you haven't left anything out. Then you consciously tell God that you are canceling the debt and forgiving that person totally for what they owe you. Once you've done that, that person does NOT owe you anymore.

It's a powerfully liberating thing. You've probably heard that lending money can put strain on a relationship. Sin and anger is the same way. There is an unpleasant bond between two people as long as one person owes the other person. But to forgive that debt is to put people back in right standing with each other.

As I did this I became overwhelmed with the idea that God has a laundry list about me several miles long. He could have a detailed account that include my every thought and waking breath as owed to him. I owe him so much above and beyond what I could ever pay. And in the same way he has cancelled my debt, being fully aware of what it was.

Very liberating indeed. Sometimes it's hard to be forgiven because we would rather work to "fix" or "make right," to pay back what we owe. But when we've been forgiven that becomes unnecessary. It's a but embarrassing, a bit humiliating to have other people assume the responsibilities for our actions and cancel debts we wish to pay. But some debts cannot be repaid, and that's why we have forgiveness. A powerfully liberating thing. I'm very excited to be a forgiven man right now.

My two thoughts for the day

1) Practice forgiveness today
2) Appreciate the forgiveness you have received.


*I also cite 4 years as a psychology major. I realize that does NOT qualify me to be a councilor but lets assume that $100,000 of education left me with SOMETHING.

Summer reading plans

Today marks the first full day of Summer for Mr. Steven M. Danger C. Conn and I'm very excited about it! I'm also excited about living with one of my best friends (or besties, as we like to say when we are being particularly annoying).

Andrew Lehr and I will be taking up residence at the party mansion at 5733 Co Rd 203Millersburg OH, and depending on whether or not we pay the electric bill for the month of August we are either going to party like it's 1899 or 1999.

The number one item on our agenda besides p0woning n00bs* is reading a ridiculous amount of nerdy books. That being said, I set a goal at the beginning of the year to read twenty book in 2009. We are now almost half way through the year and I have read fifteen. Using all the math I learned as a psychology major at Taylor that means that I'm between 65%-99.4% done with my goal.**

As you see my list of "Books of 2009" growing on the side of my blog, you will say to yourself, "wow, this kid doesn't have any friends. He just sits around in his house all day reading and writing blog posts about it. But then, who am I to judge? Because as pathetic as that is...I'm actually READING that blog.

Food for thought.


*That just happened
**The real number is 75%. I knew you knew that, but I wanted you to know that I knew it too.

Setting the Record Staight

There has been some confusion lately about professional athletes, especially regarding LeBron James. So please let me clear the air for all of you fans.


Being from Ohio means that you've already won the championship in one category: namely, the "Being from Ohio" category. Thusly, even when you lose, you win. And even when Orlando wins, they lose (because they are from Florida). But instead of lose-winning I would rather win-win. We deserve it because we are from Ohio.

The other thing that people don't understand is that some people think they can critique of criticize LeBron James like he needs their coaching. "Don't miss the free throws LeBron!" They say.

Well you know what? LeBron has done nothing other than SERVE YOU with his almighty sweetness since he graciously VOLUNTEERED to grace the NBA with his presence. He even allows NINE other guys to play at the same time as him! Can you imagine the humility that takes? And he allows you to watch him for FREE and some of you have the audacity to complain. Do you sit back on your couch (you non contributing zero) and tell me how a surgeon should operate on you or how a pilot should fly your plane? No you do NOT. So why do you think you have the RIGHT to put your two cents in on the greatest thing to happen to America since we invented freedom!?*

Fortunately for ALL of us Mike Brown decided to lose a game last night so we would all be able to see MORE of the Cavaliers instead of winning in a quick 4 and out. What a guy. Next time the game is on, just watch and nod appreciatively and try not to embarrass yourself.

*The Buckeyes pre-dated freedom. Many historians believe that the tax levied on watching the Buckeyes from home was one of the major catalysts for the American revolution. Wolverine fans (then called tea bags) were drowned in Lake Superior (Then called Lake Ohio) to the delight of the colonists. This incident was later confused with a fancy shmancy tea party in Boston to which the Buckeyes were not invited. The forward thinking colonists of this time were hailed as visionaries by gaining the right to watch the Buckeyes more than a hundred years before the invention of the Television.

The couch of despair

Ladies and gentlemen, if you did not yet know it, Phil Byers is a stud and the third floor of English is far away from the parking lot.

Let me enlighten you as to how I know these things for sure.

Background

Once long ago fate smiled upon Brent Fannin and provided for him a free couch on the roadside by Fairlane apartments. Unfortunately for Brent, Steve frowned upon him and took the couch for himself.*

But because Steve is very whipped he gave the couch to his beautiful girlfriend Cortney who wanted it in her dorm room. Steve Believed that it was impossible to move such a large couch through the twisted doorways of English and into her little room, but fate smiled upon him too, and the couch was thusly delivered.


In the middle ages castles were built for defense. Staircases spirals to the right so right handed swordsmen could swing their weapons while climbing the stairs. Corridors were narrow to force attackers to pass through one at a time. Rooms and walls were often positioned at odd angles so an attacking army wouldn't have enough space to swing a battering ram. I am convinced that the architect who built English Hall was convinced its residence would be under assault. Rest assured women of Mary Tower English, your fortress can withstand any attack.

The Present Day

I am whipped and Phil has the heart of a servant so we went up to Cortney's third floor dorm room in order to extract this couch like a bowling ball through a Chinese finger trap. I assured Phil that if we could get it in, we could also get it out. But 20 minutes, 5 stifled curses, and about $60 worth of fines** later Phil and I were standing on opposite sides of an inverted devil couch that was one third in Cortney's room, one third in the hallway, and one third in another room.

As I tried to fold the couch in half like a soft taco Mr. Byers observed that sheer force might not avail us as well as some problem solving skills. Now I can do the Rubik's cube, so I thought this was playing to my advantage, but I had underestimated the couch.***

(Diagram of our route through English to scale: Click to Enlarge)


Fast Forward an hour and Phil had sweet talked every girl on 3rd South English into wanting to marry him, but the couch was still wedged between a rock and a hard place--and two more rocks--and a vice--and a whole family of little hard places that grew up together in Italy but decided to move to America last winter just to screw me.



Then, in a move of utter despair I hurled my body forcefully at the couch with little intent besides killing myself when the impossible happened. The impossibly huge couch passed through the impossibly small opening and we were free. Now pardon the imagery but if you've ever given birth you might have an idea what I felt like at that moment.

Long story short...we got it out. And now I owe Phil a life debt.

So Cort, now you have proof that I love you, but we are going to have to name our first kid Phil Byers Conn.

*The details of this transaction make it seem a little less shady but if Brent ever complains about me having stolen his couch...he's not exactly lying.

**we scraped the floor, two door jams, and three doors. Why they had English built so that one piece of furniture could touch three doors at once...I don't know.

***I can do the Rubik's cube in 3 minutes. It took us 90 minutes to move the couch.

The coming days

Hey jokers and jokestreses

I'm sorry I've been so absent from blog land lately. Ben Taylor actually had the audacity to comment on it to my FACE.

Well whatever. I'm turning in my thesis proposal tomorrow and really just kinda checking out after that. So I expect the blog posts will start to come more quickly as I have more time to waste on the Internet.

Things you can look forward to in the future

My love for the word "nope"
The story of Phil Byers and the immovable object
Why it is impossible to scratch a diamond ring with a napkin holder
more thoughts on walls
and why I think it's OK to be mediocre

have a wonderful day everyone, and wish me luck proposing!*

*Proposing my THESIS...don't get cocky Cortney

Caveat

Ok so the post underneath this one is the longest post in the world.

My bad. I would have published it somewhere other than my blog if I had anyother place to do that kind of thing.

Anyway, I wrote a story. There you have it. Keep in mind as you read it, it's not intended to be entirely alagorical, so don't pick it apart.

Also, I wrote it on Word. And the formatting was a lot better than when I copy pasted it onto the blog. Perhaps I'll go back and fix it another time. But right now I've got to run. Hope you enjoy what I've been working on for he last few days.

Steve

Stones

I trudge along, one foot after another. Left, right, left, right. The sweat stung my eyes but I couldn’t wipe it away. My hands were occupied balancing the burden on my back. Left, right, left right. I have somewhere to get to, and I don’t dare stop. Left, right, left, right. I didn’t start out with so many stones, I added them as I went. Sometimes as I was walking I would see a stone on the ground and think I might need it. Sometimes I went looking for stones because I was afraid I was missing one. Maybe I didn’t have all the right shapes or all the right colors. Some stones I walked right by. But others caused me to stop, stoop over, pick them up with hands raw and cramped, and add them to the sack I carried on my back. Each stone made the sack a little heavier, and caused me to walk a little more hunched over, a little closer to the ground. Left, right, left, right.
Sometimes I look up to see where I’m going. I have somewhere to get to, and I don’t dare stop. But it never seems any closer. Left, right, left, right. When I do look up I see others walkers trudging along too—the same as me. Left, right, left, right. Some of them walk in pairs, some walk alone. Some have lots of stones. Some hardly have any at all. I feel sorry for them. They don’t know they are doing it wrong. You’ll never make it to where you’re going without the right stones. I put my head back down and keep walking. Left, right, left, right. Looking at others makes me nervous sometimes. It makes me wish sometimes that I could drop some stones and walk a little straighter, but I know I don’t dare. More often it makes me scared because I see the stones others are carrying, and I realize I don’t have enough. Some people have more than me…a lot more. Some of them have stones in colors and sizes I don’t have. It makes me wonder if I have enough. Do they feel sorry for me? Will I have the right stones when I get there? Left, right, left, right.
A pair of feet…I stop. I see a man’s feet in the sand right in front of me. I’ve seen this before, but these feet were different. They weren’t moving…and they were pointing the wrong direction. The were pointing at me.
Straining, I crane my neck and look up as far as I can. I don’t dare stand up straight because I might drop my sack, and I don’t think I’d be able to pick it up again if I did. I can just barely see high enough to see the man’s face. He looks concerned.
“Where are you going?” asks the man
“That way” I say, nudging my head in the direction I’ve been walking. I think it’s a stupid question. We’re all walking the same direction, and there’s nowhere else to go. But the man listens intently as if this was the first time he’s heard this. There was something decidedly strange about this man.
“That bag looks pretty heavy,” he says. “What’s so important that you would lug it across this whole desert?”
I’m starting to get annoyed. I think he’s making fun of me. We’ll see whose laughing when we get to where I’m going…if he ever gets there.
I Put my heard down again and brush by him. Left, right, le…
“Seriously, what’s in the bag?”
I see the feet again…he’s still in front of me. I’m not quite sure how that happened. I’m beginning to think the heat might have finally got to me. But I answer him.
“They’re my stones. I need them for where I’m going.”
“I see.” said the man. “Do you want any help carrying them?”
Now my head snaps up. “What did you say?”
“The stones” he replied, apparently not catching my mood, “do you want me to help you carry them?”
I took a step back. The first step back I ever remember taking. (I wasn’t about to forgive him for that.)
“Look here,” I snarled, “I’ve worked too hard and come too far to give up what I have to the likes of you! Why don’t you worry about your own stones and leave me alone!”
The man started laughing. Laughing! He smiled and said “Why don’t I? Because I don’t have any stones!”
I almost took another step back. He was right. I realized for the first time what was so weird about this guy, what really didn’t sit right. He wasn’t carrying a single stone.
“Where’s your sack? Where are all your stones? Do you even know where you’re going? What will you do when you get there?” I was so startled, and not just a little afraid, that I almost stood all the way up for the first time in years. The bag I carried tugged me back and back until I quickly resumed my hunched posture and settled back down again. I adjusted my grip on the sack and took a deep breath as I waited for his response.
“Oh there,” he said with another laugh. “Oh I’m not worried about that. I LIVE there and it turns out you don’t really need any stones. I’ve got enough stones for everyone there…if you’re in to that kind of thing. As a matter of fact you might as well just set those stones down. I mean stones are great and all but I’m more worried about your back at this point.”
Now I’m really scared. I have no idea who this guy is or what he wants but this can’t be good. He could ruin everything. He wants my stones, but he can’t have them. I tighten my grip on my sack again, and then I make my move.

I swung my bag of stones directly at his head.

(If anyone is still reading with me at this point I’ll ask you to stop for a moment. Maybe a few seconds, maybe a day. I stopped here. This isn’t quite the story I expected to write. At this point in the story I think the reader might be able to make better meaning out of it than I can. What are the stones to you, and would you ever use them as a weapon? I feel compelled to finish writing the story, and I will. But once you’ve read to the end it’s a cliché, it’s the same old story. The story of Christ always ends the same way, and we always focus on the ending. That’s appropriate of course, but the problem with it is that we never appreciate that story the first time we hear it, and we are never surprised by the time we understand it. Overwhelmed sometimes yes, thankful, obviously, but never surprised. But now it’s not quite the same because we haven’t reached the happy ending. Maybe this should be the ending, it is for so many people.

So I hope you leave it here for a while, and I hope you think about. Maybe not for long. I hope you think about your own story. Because once you read my ending the story is full of my meaning, and I’ll never believe that I can speak into your life as well as you can.

I would love it if some of you wrote your own endings. But of course you don’t have to. Not all of you are as obsessed with your own words as I am.  And in case any of you were concerned, the second part is a lot shorter than the first part. So this is where it picks up again if you’ve taken some time off. And if you’ve just ignored my recommendations…well that’s ok too.

The man lay there on the ground
I stood still

He might be dead…he might not be. All I know is that he really scared me and I didn’t want to be around him if he woke up. But then again…What if what he said was true. How could I know? Something in me really liked what I heard in his voice when he talked about his “home.” But I don’t really know if I can believe it. Maybe I should wait to see if he wakes up. Maybe if I just set my sack down for a minute and sat next to him, he would come around again and tell me more. Maybe he really could help me carry my stones. Or maybe he would convince me to leave them behind all together.

That thought jarred me back into reality. I would never do that, I could never do that. It was insane. But I hadn’t given up on this man completely yet. I had never met anyone like him ever before. So I did the only thing I could do. I picked him up and put him on my back and began walking again. Left, right, left, right.
I realized quickly that something was wrong. Left, right, left, right. The man was way too heavy. He was heavier than all my stones.
“Impossible!” I thought. He wasn’t even half the size of the bag I was carrying. And even if he was made out of solid stone himself he couldn’t possibly weigh this much. Left, right…left…right.
This was terrible. I was more scared now than I had been any time since meeting the man. I had to get rid of this guy now and leave him far, far, behind.

I stopped, gripped the bag of stones firmly and leaned a little to the left so the man would fall off. I listened for the sound of his body hitting the ground and the lightening of the terrible load that would indicate I had succeeded.

Nothing happened. I leaned a little further. Nothing. I leaned to the right instead. Still nothing. At this point I was near panic. I tried to shake him off, but he wouldn’t budge. I spun in circles and hopped from foot to foot. I couldn’t dislodge this wretched man! I began to run. I sprinted in the direction I had been going as fast and as hard as possible. Maybe I could leave the man behind. Maybe if I got to where I was going before he woke up everything would be ok. Maybe if I found someone else they would help me get rid of the guy.
My breath came in gasps, the sweat was really pouring off of me now, and my knees felt like they were filled with shattered glass. Leftrightleftrightleftrightleftright I needed help, I needed out, I needed this cursed weight off my back.
And then I fell.
I fell and I couldn’t get up. I was done.
There was no pain…in fact I couldn’t feel my legs, but I knew what had happened. I had broken my back. The weight of the man was too much, and now I was finished. I would never get to where I was going now, and I would never have enough stones. I had failed.
I had failed.
I had failed
I had failed

And I began to cry.
And as the tears leaked down my face and into the dry sand I felt a loosening of something inside. Anxiety and fear leaked out of me as well—evaporating in the hot sun as soon as they escaped my body. I had failed my task. Unequivocally and categorically failed to the point that I could never try again. I could stop. I could finally stop and lay down without any stones. The tears came harder now. They were tears of relief.

“Finally decided to put the stones down I see.”
I couldn’t turn my head far enough around to see who it was, but I knew it was the man talking. I wasn’t even surprised at this point. What else could happen? I answered him,
“Well I didn’t really have much of a choice.” The man chuckled a little and I remembered the amused look on his face from before. I assumed he was wearing it again now.
“No, you still have a choice” he said. “I just broke your back, but I could never make you let go. That was your decision.” I wasn’t really sure if this was exactly true or not, but I was too tired to argue.
“Now,” he said “how about getting up so we can go home?”
“I can’t walk anymore. I’ve broken my back. Besides, I’ve walked enough. I’m staying put right here from now on” Then I felt hands grab me around the waist. It didn’t hurt at all, even though I knew it should have. I was turning as he lifted me and then I was looking at the ground again as I was draped over his shoulder.
“Oh you’ll learn to walk again” he said. “But we’re not going to bother with the stones anymore, I think you’ll just walk with me and keep me company. But until that time comes I’ll just carry you.”
And so we set out again—me and the man. Him talking and singing all the while like he didn’t have a care in the world, and me draped over his back like a bag of stones, still crying my tears. Left, right, left, right.

Unbuilidng the walls

So often we hear Christians talking about the walls they have built up in their hearts. Something that keeps them from God, or from each other, or from some other noteworthy goal. The wall goes unseen for a long time, effectively sealing off parts of a persons life until *gasp* Jesus comes along and breaks down the walls like a wrecking ball and everyone is doing just fine and peachy again. I mean, they have to cry first and everything, but by and large things are on the right track.

Now if this has happened to you don't think I'm making fun of you, I'm not. I'm only trying to draw attention to how easy we think the process can be sometimes. When God is involved change happens quickly and without any effort on our part....right?

I think in our efforts to give God the credit for things that we couldn't or wouldn't have done on our own (and rightly so) we* sometimes shift the responsibility to the Holy Spirit to change us like a miracle. "Well I prayed that God would change my heart so...I guess my part is done." Even though we never say that, how often do we act like we think it's true?

The problem with Jesus coming in like a wrecking ball and knocking down all our walls at once is that it usually involves a major crisis. Which is fine. Pain is God's megaphone. But sometimes (preferably most of the time) our life is not in a state of crisis. So how do the walls come down?

They come down through an intentional and determined effort to unbuild them brick by brick. In my own life I have identified several beliefs and patterns of thought that have served me to a point but ultimately alienate me from the people I love most. The problem is that I can't tear the walls down instantly because so much truth and healthy thought is mixed in with the lies and with the unhealthy thoughts. People probably don't have walls for absolutely no reason. In fact, on an individual basis there is probably nothing wrong with most of he bricks in the wall, they are just stacked together in the wrong places.And so instead of asking God to bust down my walls today before lunchtime I'm going to ask him to help me identify the misapplication of all my erroneously laid bricks. Because I think I'm going to have to start unbuilding a wall piece by piece and putting those bricks where they belong. As I am doing this I will be listening to "The Wall" by Pink Floyd.

*Did I say "we" I probably should have said "I" but it sounds less incriminating this way.

Ode to LeBron

Some of you may have noticed that I blog less frequently now. Well that is seasonal, it will pass with the completion of much homework. Undersand that I will resume with gusto later.

But first let us take a minute to Hail King James in all his glory.*

Lebron you are a macho man
You dunk and drive like no one can
You made the Pistons look like clowns
When you threw the hammer down

You jump and soar so gracefully
The crowd cries out "MVP"
You stand back an knock down so many 3's
While Garnett looks on wistfully

Your stat sheet is just out of hand
You are the greatest player in the land
Who has ever played so grand?
as LBJ the Awesome Man?

Kobe, Dawain, Dwight, and Chris
You aint got nuthin' at all on this
so smile real big for the posters you're on
When you get dunked on by LeBron.



*i wrote this really fast, I know it's bad.

Leading Jesus

Wow, It's been a while since I've written, and I'm sorry. I hope if I have any faithful readers left they wont take the hiatus as a sign of apathy. But to be honest I suppose this blog was always mostly a means to entertain myself and to keep track of my ideas. So, whatever.

But the other day in class we were discussing leadership and following. I think that the term "servent leadership" is really the only kind of leadership there is. It's a very Christian thing to say, but leading something is ALWAYS a service no matter how big of a jerk the leader is or how much people hate him. The exception to this is a leader who FORCES people to follow him through fear or coercion, but that's a little more rare.

But VIEWING yourself as a servent and leadering WELL becuase you remember that is completely different than happening to perform a needed function for others at great personal benifit to yourself.

We also talked about following, and how it's an active process. Being a good follower means actively supporting and choosing to support and buy into the leader, which is a lot different from just doing what you are told.

Do most of us actually follow Jesus? Or do we try to lead Him? Do we actively support and buy into his teachings and way of life? Or do we kinda just do what we're told (If that)?

Do we live life our own way at our own pace and bring Jesus along for the ride?

Does following Jesus mean keeping tabs on what he's been doing and reading up on him? Some people follow the news and I follow the exploits of LeBron James. But how closely, how intently, and how intentionally am I following Jesus?

Stuff Girls Like: Babies

It's been a while since we've had one of these but I got a suggestion from a reader.
My friend Brad recnetly went on a study abroad trip to Ethiopia where he was struck by an realization. Here then is our first guest entry.

I have found that nothing will make a girl's heart melt like a tiny dependent life form that cries incessantly and poops itself. They say they’re “cute.” This defies all logic, yet it is universally true. I was thinking how if you were to wake a girl four times during the night by screaming at her, crap in your pants, and puke on her when she got close to you, the last adjective she would consider using is “cute.” I see some glaring inconsistencies here.
I have always know this to be true, but I was surprised to discover during my travels that there is something girls like even more than babies, and it is this: African babies. We practically had to do a baggage search to uncover all of the Ethiopian infants the females on our lighthouse trip wanted to smuggle back to America.

You make a good point Brad. If you've read previous posts you would know that girls love babies because they are smaller versions of real people. A point of interst, girls often times like really old people too, which are similar to babies becuase they are small, they have no teeth, are incoherrent, wear diapers, drool, and can't walk. single guys take note of these similariaties and perhaps you will be cute one day too.

A Nightmare!

Last night I had one of the scariest nightmares I've ever had.
I dreamt that the Ohio State Buckeyes lost another Bowl game to Florida.*
I was so ashamed I hid my face from everyone I knew the following Monday, and I avoided ESPN because hearing about my beloved Buckeyes was too painful to handle.

But I woke up in a cold sweat and realized...it was all a dream. thank goodness.

I just got a new keyboard so you might have to read some rambling thoughts of mine that are written just for the sheer joy of typing. Hope you don't mind. And now on to the real point at hand. Ben Taylor sent me a link to this video which I think is both hilarious and true....enjoy.

Everything's Amazing, Nobody Happy

*I say "another" not because I believe that Florida has ever beaten the Buckeye in a bowl game, but because OTHER people have lost bowl games to Florida

Surprised? Not good.

I'm begining to wonder about myself. Most of you are probably wondering what took me so long. But I've been questioning some of my behaviors lately becuase I'm afriad they might have changed in a bad way.

The first thing I need to akcnowledge is that my context has changed dramatically. I continue to live on a Christian campus, but I live alone in an appartment, unable to attend chapel, not connected too closely with anyone on campus, and feeling no particularly strong affiliation with any church. I realize that this is a cause to one problem, and also a problem in and of itself. I have determined to remedy parts of this.

But that's not the main point of this post. The main point is that the other day I told a friend from class that I was considering being a pastor, and she was really surprised. No one has EVER been surprised before when I said that. Through most of undergrad everyone assumd I was a Chrsitian Ed. Major (which was not true) and even though I was studying psychology people constantly asked me if I was looking around for churches yet.

And now it surprises people. But I don't blame Beth for her incredulity. I haven't demonstrated that side of myself in quite some time. I haven't stretched my ministry muscles* since I joined this graduate program. I haven't had much practice in being vulnerable and broken before others. I haven't really had much meaningful interaction with others at all actually. I do not believe that the discipline of student development is beating it out of me (Tim Herrman? never) but some combination of vairiables has caused me to put my academic foot forward and my spiritual foot in the back. I do not like this. I wanted to do Student Development as a ministry, but it's sometimes it feels hard to convince myself that that's what I'm doing.


*note, I said stretched, not flexed

A Phone Call

You know you have reached a terrible point in your life when the most exiting thing that happens to you in a day is your interlibrary loan comes in.

Hello friends, have you missed me while I was in thesis-land? Well I miss a lot of thigns here in Thesis-land...mostly people, and fun.

But I did have a revelation the other day that I would like to share with you. Many of you know by now that I am madly in love with the wonderful Cortney Michelle Korshak. Many of you also know of my love to talk incessently, and if you know Cortney, you know this is a passion that we share.

What you might not know is the other day I called her on the phone and it hit me. We had nothing to talk about. Our conversation sputtered to a halt. I had done homework all day and she had given a test in Spanish class* and we really didn't have much to say.

Now I had finally reached the part in a relationship that I always thought would be truly alarming, the part where you run out of things to say. But for some reason I didn't find myself panicked. Why? Becuase I realized that our relationship doesn't hinge on one insstance of not finding anything to say. Instead it hinges on the cumulative effect of our time spent communicating and the feelings and experiences we share as a result of those. That being said, I didn't get discouraged, and I called her again the next day for a much better conversation. The exchange of information isn't as important as the regard I show her by calling every day and the growing body of expereinces and time we share.

Why do I say all that? Is it because you are all intensly interested in my love life? I sincerely hope not. No, I say that because all too often my quiet times with God feel like phone conversations when I've run out of things to say. And I shoudln't let that discourage me because the principle is the same as it is with Cortney, and after I have a dissapointing quiet time I can shut my Bible and say "well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."**

*She's a student teacher
** This is not to suggest that one should only talk to God (or your girlfriend) in specific segmented parts of the day, that just happens to be the subject of this post.

Leave it Alone

Did you ever wonder if the alterative to "walk it off" was coming? Well here it is.

Becuase some emotional pains are like a bruised muscle that need to be worked out, but some are like a sore tooth that just need to be left alone so they can heal. Revisiting these pains, these thoughts, is not a good thing. There are areas of even our own mind that we should try to stay out of.

Andy Stanley calls these emotions "Tojan Horses." The Trojan Horse being the gift the Greeks left outside of Troy full of soldiers so they could take the city once brought inside.

We have Trjon Horses of the heart. They are gifts left for us by everyone who has ever hurt us, from everyone who has ever wronged us. And the gift is OURS by right. By enduring those hurts we have earned that "horse."

But inside, instead of a host of angry Greeks, we find bitterness and resentment. We find anger and self doubt and either the lust for revenge or the helpless feeling that we deserve what happened to us. And the danger is ours if we accept this gift and bring it into the city of our hearts.

So sometimes it's not a healthy thing to spiral down and down into even deeper levels of introspection. Some things should be examined once and then tossed aside, becuase we don't want to own every emotion that comes our way. If you have a Trojan Horse sitting outside the gates of your heart, leave it alone...or set fire to it.

The hatred of homework

Hey all you faithful followers in blogger land

I have to begin doing More homework than has ever been done before by any man in history because I was dumb enough to procrastinate. sooo, blogging may or may not slow down for a while. which is too bad because some of my most creative stuff comes when I should be doing other stuff. We'll see.

On an interesting side note I have read 11 books so far this year, which puts me over half-way towards my goal of 20 books in a year. Doing some quick math suggests that I am ahead of schedule, and that's good.

speaking of reading. For those of you looking forward to the Posthumous release of Robert Jordan's final installment in the WOT series (and who isn't) I just read that the ghost writer finishing the book has written over 440,000 words, it is scheduled for release in August, and he suspects that it will be almost 750,000 words in length. In case you were wondering how long that is, the average novel usually amounts to 80,000-120,000 words. The Great Gatsby is about 50,000. Fun times.

Hard Times

So in these hard economic times we should always be looking for opportunities to save money. One good way to do that is to make at home things that we used to only buy in the store. Here's a good place to start

Fritos claim to have three ingredients.



The process is a bit of a mystery to me still but with a little trial and error I think we can figure it out. As soon as someone figures it out will you please let the rest of us know? Thanks

Not Larry (The Drive)

Chevalier

I'll admit right now that this idea is ripped off and I don't remember from whom. So imagine a citation here.

Part of "The Drive" is to be something that you are not. And those of us in my generation think this is the worst sin imaginable. They say "don't let the man keep you down, believe in yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else says" Well they are morons and probably watch a lot of American Idol.

But wanting to grow into something you aren't yet isn't a bad thing. I could want to be like Larry Crabb and write great books that help a lot of people. Or I could try to be more like people I actually know. I could try to be like my professor, Tim Herrman, who is one of the most sincere and compassionate people I know. Or I could try to be faithful and determined like Sam from Lord of the Rings.* And doesn't being a "Christian" mean being a "Little Christ?"

So I'm not arguing against trying to better yourself. Having good role models and admiring qualities that honor God is a good thing. But I often times find myself beat down when comparing myself to others. Try as I might I'm just not going to be the next Larry Crabb, the next Tim Herrman, or even the next Samwise Gamgee.** But I think we Christians could waste our whole lives away not being people instead of being ourselves.

When I get to Heaven I think the real disappointment will not be God asking me "Why were you not Larry?" but rather "Why were you not Steve?"

What am I suggesting then? "Be comfortable with your sins"? In the words of the apostle Paul "May it Never Be!"

What then? I suggest at least owning your own strengths and weaknesses. You can make your strengths stronger and your weaknesses less weak, but you can't pick and choose them. Guilt is a sign of an impossible goal, and chosing to be another person is an impossible goal. So if your goal is to be Larry Crabb or Jim Tressel or Mighty Mouse or Moses you are going to be one guilty dude. I will not be driven by that.

*I propose that Sam is actually the protagonist of that series....discuss amongst yourselves.
**My ol' Gaffer never took much to blog writin' but I figure he's a reading this right now.

Spring Springs Again!

For those of you who have been living under a rock in a cave on Mars with your fingers in your ears I must inform you late in the game that I,the Chevalier Steven M. Danger C. Conn have been selected by nature to be "The Champion O' Spring." Several years ago I took it upon myself to perform the arduous task of announcing the first day of Spring and defending it until I finally concede to Old Man Winter sometime in late November.

There are some of you who might question this on the premise that the calendar already has a first day for spring, that nature doesn't need me to tell her how to do her job, that me claiming to be the Champion of Spring is like Justin Timberlake Single handedly taking it upon himself to bring sexy back.* Well if you are one of those people then you are a jerk and I hope that Spring turns on you and rains at the most unfortunate of times.

That being said, I declared the first day of Spring yesterday! So let it be known that yesterday, being the 15th day of the third month** on this, the two thousand and ninth year of our Lord marks the resurgence of spring! So Jack Frost and the White Witch can rot in Alaska until we need them again.

You're welcome

*I support the man in his work it can't come soon enough if you ask me.
** Otherwise known as the Idez of March

Walk it Off

I think that if we are ever going to be emotionalyl stable we've got to accept a pretty inportant fact. Life is painful. Unlike the Dread Pirate Roberts who said "Life IS pain princess, anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something," I think we can more or less enjoy life but we are going to have to pay attention to pain sometimes. Why? Is it because it's "God's Megaphopne" as C.S. Lewis calls it? Is it becuase it helps us grow? Well yes as a matter of fact it is those thigns. But it's also becuase sometimes adressing the pain is the best way to get through it.

In sports if you ever get nailed in the leg but you didn't actually break anything you are supposed to just walk it off. The fastest cure for tight and cramped muscles is to work them out a little bit. I've never seen a trainer tell anyone..."hey just lie there holding your leg and crying, it'll help." (You DO sometimes here them say "lie still," but that's the other half of this two-blog mini-sries)

Some pains are cold-hard realities. You got dumped, you experenced a death in the family, the Buckeyes somehow lost a game.* There is no denying or changing these things, and there is no way to compensate or make up for it. Once these tragedies have happened they are a permanant part of your life that still needs to be lived.**
I think the best way to make this stop hurting faster is to walk it off by exploring the pain and planning out effective ways to accomidate the change. Some issues need to be visited more than once so we can get a grasp of their magnitute and their impact. It's not about dwelling on it, and it's not about ignoring the pain, it's about feeling it hard and moving on.


*The SEC is full of cheaters
**Sometimes you can get your girlfriend back if you call her up desperately the minute her plane lands.

Wii spend

This post is really quite pointless but I wrote two today so if you don't feel like reading this (and I don't blame you) at least read the one underneath it before switching to your facebook.

When I spend money on non-necessities I try to hold this idea in my head
A good purchase yield one hour of enjoyment for every dollar spent.

So for example, buying a board game (Lost cities) that you will play over and over again is a good buy. Paying $10 to go to a 1.5 hour movie is a really bad idea.*


Ok so anyway I bought a Wii, and some games, and some controllers. It totals around $400. I was REALLY excited when I found out the wii keeps track of how much you play it. I have played mine for 116 hours, and I've realized something. Almost every game currently available for the wii is terrible. Once you've had your fun with Mario Kart you are left wondering what the kids with Xboxes are doing.

How am I going to entertain myself for another 300 hours? (especially since buying a new game puts me in another $50 hole?) I'm not sure. virtual console perhaps? Get super awesome at Wii tennis? I'm not sure. But before any of YOU rush out and buy a Wii...well, I hope you like Mario Kart a LOT.


*I understand that this system breaks down, there are exceptions, $100 for 2 minutes of skydiving= good buy, because of the memories, experience, etc...whatever don't knock the system

Walk it Off (Or Leave it Alone)

Guess what folks, I have OCD. Is this news to anyone? What this means (among other things) is that my brain never ever stops. I am always thinking about something. Running it backwards and forwards in my mind. Sometimes I rehearse conversations I'm going to have, have had, or will never have have (accepting the hiesman trophy award speech). I think about events past, future, and hypothetical. I am an insanely introspective person.

Which leads me to two conclusions.

1) There are feelings you need to revisit, explore, and try out over and over.
2) There are feelings you should ignore.

I think that most people are probably doing one or the other. Some of us turn a blind eye to whats going on inside and live the unexamined life. Others of us (me) tend to keep returning to thoughts and emotions in an effort to "investigate" or "reflect" but are honestly doing more harm than good. Some thoughts should be ignored.

I'm not saying that a person is ever truly one way or the other, but I think that most of us would say we are much better at one than the other, and when painful feelings come along we are as a rule usually going to do the same thing with it. Enter it, or avoid it. Whichever stratagey we have gotten best at is the one we are most likely to employ.

Turns out, (to no one's surprise I'm sure) there's a time for both, and I've been trying to learn how to tell the difference. There will be more on this later. In the mean time just think about which kind of person you are...and whether or not you agree with my observation so far.

death of a "dream" (the drive)

I have an announcement. But before I make it let's put a disclaimer on it. I can think of at least two readers who are going to say "WHAT? SAY IT ISN'T SO!" But read until the end.

It has always been one of my life goals to write a book. and I have decided recently that I am going to remove that from my list of goals. I am hereby giving up on the dream of writing a book.

GASP! SHOCK! AWE! I know I know. But here is why. To be honest, I don't have a great passion for writing. I have a great passion for being read. And I don't have a great passion for a job well done, I have a great passion for being recognized. And let's be honest I do NOT hear God calling me to write a book.

Some (me) might say, "But Steve, you have such insight and wisdom coupled with humor that makes it all so readable. You are doing a service to the world and using your gifts by writing a book. Don't waste your gifts! God will be sad!

Perhaps true...perhaps. But sincerity check. Lets say I had an awesome book idea and right before I wrote it pretty much the same idea came out from another author. Would I say "oh good, these people are learning this wisdom and growing in God" or would I say "Crap that jerk stole my idea?" In case you can't guess the answer it's the second one.

Also I feel this uncomfortable sense of "should." And I want to be wary of this. Sometimes god uses an uncomfortable sense of "should" to prod us in the right direction. But also lots of times we convince ourselves we "should" based on expectations that don't come from the Father.

The "should" I'm talking about makes me feel guilty when I come across a quote or source or idea that would fit well in "my book" and I'm not cataloging it. I'm guilty because I'm not working on it, and becuase I have no structure for my ideas. Writing a book out of guilt for not doing so because you are gifted and you have somehow set up an expectation for yoruself that you "should." That sounds like a good reason to undertake a project.

Does this mean I wont ever write a book? No it does not. But it does mean that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life acting like I'm in the pre-writing stages of something that is going to change the world. In another time I might just sit down and write a book, but I hope I'm able to manage doing it with a little more humility than you generally get out of Steve Conn. Why the change of heart? Because I took a look at what was driving me and decided it wasn't something that needed to be obeyed.

the wisdom of classic rock

After you read this post I want you to listen to Pink Floyd "Wish you were Here." Not because you will learn anything, but because it is a great song. Then I want you to read Romans 1. Not because it REALLY has anything to do with Pink Floyd, but because it's amazingly true how we exchange the gifts of the Lord for the gifts of man. And they are never as good. There is a lot of truth there but I'll let you find it for yourself, I'm not a Bible scholar, I'm just narcissisticly obsessed with my own words.

"Wish you were here"

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Romans 1:22

Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools

23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator— who is for ever praised. Amen.

26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.

27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worth while to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.

Jesus Take the Wheel

It would probably be foolish of me to say that divine intervention saved my life. It would be arrogant to say that the Universe kept me alive to fulfil some grand purpose. It would we ludicrous to say that my car took on a life of his own. No friends, I survived out of sheer power of will.*

the other day Beth hale and I were slip sliding along state route five, enjoying the winter wonderland that was Huntington. When all of a sudden a patch of black ice attacked my car. I glanced over at Beth to see if she was concerned. She hadn't noticed yet. But she quickly became aware when our car decided it was going to fish tale into the left lane.

But I am a trained professional behind the wheel. When I was sixteen I took a course in "Driver's Education" and I even passed a test that licenced me to pilot such dangerous vehicles as cars. So using all that experience I was able to correct our course until we were fishtailing out of control the other direction.

A sudden calm came over me and I said "Beth...We're going of the road."
Beth replied "ok."

In stupefied silence we watched as the road gave way to the shoulder, and then to the ditch. I distinctly remember looking DOWN at Beth and seeing the snow rush up to the passenger side window. There was a lurch, a "whoosh" and the definite sound of turf being thrown helter skelter and before I knew it...

we were back on the road.

No. I have no idea how this happened...So I just kept driving.

WHERE O DEATH IS YOUR STING?

*Ok I think it was actually a God/Luck combo

The Drive

I've been thinking lately, which APPARENTLY due to my "Strength's profile" what not a surprise. but anyway, it has lead me to a series of ideas that will be expressed via blog in the next few days. For those of you who are waiting for a humorous account of my near death experience, I'm waiting for pictures.

I'm tired of being "Driven." The motivation to do, strive, achieve, and be. I think we need to give it up to an extent. It's true that many people are in need of some motivation, but I find myself currently surrounded by people who continue to strive for the next level. this isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but I find it a rather unfulfilled quest. "Vanity, Vanity, all is Vanity.*" At least that's what the author of Ecclesiastes said.

This isn't necessarily bad, but I think it depends on the motivation. Is it a true desire for excellence? Is it a desire to help others? Is it the joy of overcoming obstacles? Or is it because we've just been conditioned to think of this type of lifestyle as "success" or because we just "should" be this way? Are we driven by internal forces or external forces, and can some of us really not tell the difference?

We LIKE the words "driven" or "drive" because they speaks of power and control. But who says "I'm a driving person"? No one. We are "Driven." Driven by what? You're not the driver...you're the CAR. If you are driven by something you are controlled by something.

Not all driving forces are bad. Love, mercy, God, justice, compassion, empathy. Being Driven isn't bad. But what, my friends, is driving you?

*In this sense vanity = meaningless

The Rich Man

I once knew a man named Ryan Duncan who got mad that his friends forgot to invite him to a movie he wanted to see. So while they were watching it he looked up the ending online and called them at the theater shouting "They all die in the end, you jerks"*

That story was completely unrelated to anything I was about to say.

As you know I've been reading two books with harsh and confusing messages. These books are Irresistable Revolution and the Gospel of Luke. And here's something interesting.

We are all familiar with the story of Lazarus and the rich man. Lazarus is a poor man that sits outside the rich man's gates while dogs lick his open soars. That night they both die, the Rich man goes to hell, the Lazarus goes to Heaven, and we all learn a lesson.

In our world it often seems that the poor are nameless, voiceless. You see a homeless man on the street, he has no family, no property, not even a library card. He's nobody. We talk about the "invisable children" of Sudan becuase thousands of unncounted for children are taken away unnoticed. Even those of us with good intentions don't think if the poor by name...they are just "the poor."

Read this story for yourself in Luke 16. Lazarus has a name, the rich man doesn't.**

What does that say about the Kingdom of God?

*The Movie was "Cloverfield" and they all ended up hating it anyway. Duncan saved seven dollars.

**Another notable no-name character is the base-player from "That Thing You Do" who is always referred to as "The Base Player" and even during the credits is listed as "T.B. Player."

Should

I would like to take this moment to state my utmost dislike and abhorrence for the word "should" when applied to our Christin walk. I think it would be a heatlthy thing for us to eliminate this word from our vocabulary.

Masses: "What? Steve, you can't be serious?"
Steve: Oh you're right, I'm not quite serious.

There are, in fact, many things that we should be doing, most of which, we are not doing. But I feel like for many people the word should is a haunting presence hanging just over our shoulder as we interact with others who remind by specific examples that we are far from perfect.

Often times I come away from conversations with other Christians feelin very discouraged.

I should read my Bible more
I should pray differently
I should read more Christian books
I should spend more time with people
I should care more about poverty
I should have a softer heart
I should not care so much what other people think
I should get more involved
I should be passionate about something
I should feel differently about ______
I should think differently about _______
I should be more positive
I should be a better listener
I should ...be someone else

Don't get me wrong, I think we should "press on forward to take hold of that which has taken hold of us*" and it's true that being a Christian is like going on a journey that never ends. But I SHOULDN'T feel like a treadmill that is no going anywhere and will throw us off if we aren't doing well enough. What's more I sometimes I feel like the self-conscoius fat dude on the treadmill that is convinced that everyone else in the gym is watching and judging him. And that is NOT what I think God intended.

Yeah, there are things that we should do, but honestly, watch yourself when you say that, don't do more harm than good, cause that's what I do.

*The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the church in Phillipi...in some chapter and verse

Stuff Girls Like: Cute

As you all know, if a word is overused out of context it begins to lose all meaning. However, girls have somehow figured out a way to use the word "cute" to describe everything in the world that they like and still retain the essence of the word. At least that is what they claim. If a girl ever tells you that something is cute, please do not disagree, because you are wrong. If they said it's cute...it is. Even if it is the exact opposite of the last thing they said was cute. You can disagree all you want, but they will just roll their eyes...although they might think your ignorance is cute.

Examples of things that are cute:

Boys, but never who or when you expect it.

Children and babies, no matter how ugly, are cute.

Old people are cute if they are happy and or still married

Anything smaller than usual is cute (don't believe me? go to Wal-mart and buy a "travel sized" anything and give it to a girl. It's cute)

Things that should be plain but have ugly patterns or weird colors instead
(That pink and brown polka-dot toaster us SO cute!)

Boys who are bad at things--"Oh Steve it's so cute when you try to cook."

Body piercings or tattoos are cute IF they are on a girl that they like. Otherwise they are gross

Over sized accessories are cute "my sunglasses are too heavy for me to hold my head up, but aren't they cute?"

Anything that any guy ever does in a movie is cute...even if it would be creepy or awkward in real life "Oh you showed up at my house with flowers because I didn't have a date for the prom...even though I've never met you before!"

Any girl who has a personality they like is automatically cute

Wearing multiple layers of clothing that don't match is cute

Anything made of snow is cute

All animals are cute

Sports cars can be cute if girls are driving them and "having fun." It also depends if they decorate the car with "cute" things on the inside.

Ugly couples are cute, but if seen individually are just ugly people

Shy and awkward people are cute (outgoing and awkward people are creepy)

Shoes are always cute no matter what

Female alternative/punk rock singers such as P!NK (she has tattoos and piercings)are cute.

So men, if you want to be irresistibly cute you need to be a small old man with tattoos and an eyebrow ring who always dresses in multiple layers of mismatched baggy stripped and dotted cloths and carries a gaudy cane and perhaps a belt that is six inches wide. You also need to be awkward and bad at stuff, like recording punk-rock albums, and you need to come on strong all the time like a guy in the movies, and possibly keep a lot of small children and animals in your house at all times. Also, being ugly doesn't hurt. If you take these recommendations you will instantly turn into someone that all the girls think is "cute."