Integrity part 1: Lightning Rods

Recently I've been reading this book called "Louder than Words" by Andy Stanley. For those of you who don't know who Andy Stanly is he is a Christian dude often times viewed as a prophet by clergymen in contemporary mega-churches but who really does speak pretty well to the heart of the matter concerning many things applicable to the Christian life. This book is about character, integrity, and compromised living.

These are ideas that I am into more than your average church-goer. Does that mean that I HAVE more character and integrity than your average church-goer? No. It just means that I talk about it more often. This, I have discovered, is annoying to people.

I have decided recently to take a stance on issues that are "not a big deal" to most people. Sometimes this makes me, in effect, less fun. And sometimes I'm afraid of what this will lead to because I don't want to make my kids listen to Focus on the Family cassettes and I don't want my friends and family to tag onto most of their conversations "Don't tell Steve, he'll flip out." And while we understand that as Christians we are supposed to be a bit "weird" compared to the ways of this world there are definitely people that even we within the church think of as "really weird" because they will honestly tell you that their favorite movie is "Passion of the Christ."*

But here are the real pro's and cons to it. Once you start acting like "Mr integrity" everyone is reminding you of it all the time. Either because they are making fun of you, because they want to see you fail, or because they honestly support you and are trying to remind you that you swore you were going to do the "right thing." You have, in a sense, become a lightning rod for correction.

Being a leader puts you up on a pedestal and everyone thinks that they are entitled to an opinion on your life. (Why not, you're their leader?) And whether you like it or not being Mr Integrity** makes you open to the same kind of public scrutiny. And you will fail. Because no one can live up to the game they talk. People who don't get this concept call it "hypocrisy"

But I invite and embrace this scrutiny. Jesus invited us to look at his life and find him faultless. I invite you to look at my life and find fault. I am not Jesus, I am a man in need of Jesus, and who honors him with process more than product. Too few people are willing openly provide correction and admonishment because these things are annoying and unpleasant. I intend to make myself a lightning rod for these things. I don't really deserve the title, but if it will help the cause, you can call me Mr. Integrity.

*Which, by the way, is the only R-rated movie they own

**Which is not a self proclaimed title, but rather, what they will call you behind your back

Real E-mail from a Real Friend

This little gem is an excerpt from an e-mail correspondence between two of my friends. The names have been changes to protect the innocent*, but if you know my friends and I tell you that the author of this E-mail was Jordan Beck some of you might be able to figure it out. Anyway, I'm including this nugget because I loved the writing style and because I was hoping that this will actually happen some day. This particular E-mail was written in response to the fact that "Jennifer Mullins" got Daytime and Night-time cough medicine mixed up and was narcoleptic all day and wired all night for at least a few days. I'm not surprised though...that's just "Jennifer."

*Note: The name Susie has not been changed as it is a hypothetical name of an as of yet un-concieved child

"One day, i am going to look back through the history of our conversations through email and on chat and i'm going to create a book. i will call it the "Annals of Jennifer Mullins: Stories of Ridiculousness". that story just made the cut. it will make me a lot of money. someday you will be browsing the local Barnes and Noble with your daughter, Susie, and she will lug over to you a large leather bound black book, with the words "Annals of Jennifer Mullins" written on the cover in golden script. She will look up at you with the most inquisitive look in her eyes as she asks "Mommy, why is your name on this book?" You will think to yourself, "Impressive. She doesnt even know how to read yet." Then you will return your attention to the large book and think, "I wonder if that crazy guy from college actually went through with that crazy plan he thought up in his crazy head." Then you will open up the cover to find a huge picture of my face as I give the camera a "Jennifer Mullins salute"*. Then you will say (out loud), "Holy @#$%! He actually did it!" That is right, Jennifer Mullins, I did it.** Also, the middle aged woman perusing the romance novels in the next row over will look at you with a digusting scowl on her face because you just swore in a Barnes and Noble. Honestly, Jenn, who swears in Barnes and Noble? And in front of Susie too. I would have thought you a better mother than that. Anyways, enjoy your book.

*I havent made it up yet, but by the time I write the book, you will have your very own salute.
**That will be the caption under the picture of me inside the cover.

Ben Billman Diet

Ok for some reason it seems that my office computer has agreed to log onto bloggspot again. Let's officially consider things "touch and go." From here on.

Anyway, today I wanted to report to you the success of one of my biggest goals in the last few years. 2 years ago I made the new year's resolution that I was going to delver 10% more Steve Conn whenever I could.

Well I have accomplished that and more with a simple thing called the Ben Billman diet! For the first time ever master dietitian Ben Billman reveals his secrets for the ONLY Diet guaranteed to work.

It's quite simple really. There are two main principles for you to understand before you are on your way to bodily perfection.

1) If you want something, eat it. No one's stopping you dude.
2) If you don't want it, don't eat it, no one's making you dude.

Only the Ben Billman diet can be custom tailored to your specific needs, while still offering the flexibility of less effective diets (by which I mean no diet at all)

Depending on how YOU choose to employ these two rules you can either gain or lose weight at your own discretion!

But wait, there's more. This diet absolutely ensures that you will become interesting to other people trying to lose weight like anyone on a popular but possibly stupid fad diet. Just imagine the looks on their faces when you tell them that you ate a can of pringles and half a sleeve of Orios last night...without breaking your diet!

Here is a real live interview with a man who has been on the Ben Billman diet for 5 years. Learn how it helped him meet some of his big goals in life.

Steve Conn: I've been on the Ben Billman diet since I met Ben freshmen year of college. At first I didn't really get it. Sometimes I remember eating things I didn't want, or not eating things I wanted. It was kinda funny really. Turns out there was no one making me.* But once I got the hang of it it was really pretty easy. It's definitely been helping me to meet some of my big goals. For example: by default I now present 10% more Steve Conn in every interaction, because I'm 10% fatter than when I graduated college!

Another Satisfied customer.

Unfortunately Steve's love for the Ben Billman diet has recently come in direct conflict with his hate for buying new and larger pants. Changes are going to have to be made to tailor his results. For more information on how you too can gain/lose weight call 555-ben-bill for a free informational packet and sample diet plan. Call now, supplies limited.

*dude

Sorry for the inconvienence

Hey all you frustrated and faithful readers out there in bloggerland.

As some of you might have noticed I have not updated this blog in about a million billion years. The reason for that, quite simply, is that for some reason the computers I generally use have all been attacked by some sort of devil force that precludes me from writing on blogspot.

I have no idea what the cause of this is. But my lap-top, my desktop, and my computer at work have all decided that they were no longer going to to connect to blogger.com. I am currently sitting in Zondervan Library with but a few minutes before i have to go to a meeting for a group project. Hopefully said meeting will be quick and painless, but regardless, (or even irregardless) I must now away.

I will do everything I can to try to regain my posting powers (namely trying to log on once a day and then staring at the computer with a look of irate confusion), but until I succeed I must just apologize for the chasm of entertainment presented by my ongoing lack of posts. Please read Ender's Game instead.

Willing to be right

The other day I was at a certain university where we watched a movie called "Purple State of Mind."

It was this atheist guy and a Christian guy talking about life, God, and you know...stuff.

And I realized something. Poorly formed Christian thought can be more dangerous to Christianity than well formed atheistic thought.

Why do I say this? Because Christianity will never fall to oppression, opposition, or persecution. Christianity has been opposed since day one. It's nothing new and it's nothing particularly threatening.

Apathy is threatening. I saw on video a man who was unwilling to stand up for anything. He said that Jesus was the Christ, but beyond that he was unwilling to claim anything as truth. Apparently not only is Christ a mystery, everything about God and His Word is a mystery.

Honestly? Why read it? And the scariest thing was that none of the students seemed to care. Now I know I'm over-reacting here but the impression that I got was that no one was searching for answers because they didn't think that answers were knowable. This is true to an extent, but there ARE some truths in this world. Sin is sin and you are allowed to say so. God did reveal some truth to us, and you are allowed to say so.

It's very unpopular to think you are right. Everyone accepts everyone elses opinions as long as they don't claim to be "right." As long as it's "good for you" there's no problem. Guess what, Christians don't get everything right, but we are right about somethings, and if you disagree, you're wrong.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

Hello all you faithful reader!*

Good news for all of you out there who knew I would someday make it big. I am finally a published author! Where have I been published you ask? In the Bathroom stalls of Malone College!

That's right, your good friend and mine, THE Ryan Anderson** is a hall director at Malone college and is bringing up his students in the way they should go. They are learning about how much girls like snow*** via my blog printed out on a bathroom publication Ryan calls "The Plunger."

Also, a man who seems to be my brother from another mother, Josh Wymore, had recently submitted to me a well researched and well worded essay on why he believes Texas to be superior to Ohio. Although riddled with logical fallacies and inconsistencies it is good to see another non-Michigander exhibiting blind hatred to all states not his own. The same practice that has helped me to sleep at night following national championship games. Here is an excerpt from his misguided, yet beautiful, piece of work.

Not only could Texas’ longhorn mascot completely devour a horde of buckeyes, he has on several occasions. Bevo proceeded to ask that future buckeyes be made without chunky peanut butter, stating, “choosy cows choose Jiff.” After communicating this to his trainers, Bevo then slept for eight hours

Important scientific-like studies have also shown that 3 in 5 men born in Ohio are genetically incapable of growing mustaches. This fact contrasts sharply with Texas where toddlers celebrate their first goatee at age 6. Gillette has now begun sending razors to Texas boys at the beginning of their 4th grade year.

Please let me say that I mean no offense to those persons unlucky enough to be born outside the Lone Star State. My heart goes out to those of you who do not, and never will, have the chance to be a genuine Texan. Take comfort in the fact that you have company; millions of other people just like you are not fortunate enough to live in “The Greatest Nation in the World.” We call them “Americans.”

If this style of flamboyant ignorance seems familiar to you it should be noted that Josh and I do get along quite well outside of his tendency to overcompensate for not being round on both sides and high in the middle.

But I have forgiven his errant ways, just as I would forgive anyone for being from the wrong state, or an atheist, or a murderer, or not liking Ender's Game, or believing that Jar Jar Binks belongs in a Star Wars movie. The only people I can't forgive are Michigan fans...like Ryan Anderson.

*mom
**That is not THE Ryan Anderson...that is "A" Ryan Anderson
*** True story I walked by a girl today who was yelling "It's SOOOO COLD!" and I said to her, "you can't have snow without cold." She responded by saying "whatever" but as he was leaving earshot I heard her start yelling again "It's SOOOO WINDY"

For the Glory of God

So I'm about to out myself here as loving Taylor University way way way too much. But then again, I don't think that's a surprise to anyone that knows me.

But the other day I was thinking tat it's such a shame that I am probably not going to work at Taylor, and if I get a doctorate, it wont be from Tayolor either. So lets say twenty years fromnow I write a great book. (Which is something I'm going to start on...someday) But lets go nut for a little bit and say that I actually DID write a book and it was the next Blue Like Jazz* and people from all over the country were inviting me to come speak at their schools.

The wouold introduce me and say "He got his B.A. and his M.A. from Taylor University, recieved his PHD from (insert blank) and he is currenty the associate dean of student leadership at (insert blank)

And the reason that bothers me I becuase I want to make sure that all the glory for my accomplishments goes to Taylor. If I produce anything of merit I want people to say "That's a Taylor Grad right there."

Well that's a bit idolotrous now isn't it?

But for the first time I understood what it was meant to want to do something for the glory of God. It doesn't mean that you can't be proud, or that you can't be enjoying the work, or that your name can't be attatched to what you do. But what if really when you produced something good you had a desire for people to say "That's a child of God right there." What if you wanted people to understand where you came from and the contextfrom which you opporate when you accomplish things; and that framework is your God?

It would probably increase your accountability for your work and your reputation. Bu that's really ust a side benifit

*Except with a basic understanding of the tennats of Christianity.

He is Enough

I stood by the ocean with a cup; afraid there's not enough water.
I have had 22 frantic years; afraid there's not enough time.
I built a house on a mountain top; afraid there's not enough space.
I brought a coat to the desert; I am afraid there's not enough heat.
He said He would love me...and I ask if it's enough

I build walls around myself, but there's not enough security
I accomplish my goals, but there's not enough satisfaction
I please other people, but there's not enough acceptance
I am ruler of my life, but there's not enough significance
He said He would love me...and I ask if it's enough

I've confessed all my sins but I'm afraid there's not enough grace.
I've exposed all my faults and I'm afraid there's not enough love
I said I'd follow the path, but I'm afraid there's not enough light
I said I'd give Him my all, but I'm afraid it's not enough gift
He said He would love me...and I ask if it's enough


I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for
him." Lamentations 3:24.

Stuff Girls Like IV: Snow

Today I heard Kim Moselle utter high pitched whining noises similar to those I imagine a pterodactyl making when their young are threatened. All girls are good at doing this. Why you ask? Because it is the only way they are capable of expressing themselves while uttering the phrase "It's SNOWING!"

Snow is a natural phenomenon that never fails to impress girls at the opening of winter. Like engagements, snow has a tendency to surprise every girl on the planet even though it can be (and is) accurately predicted ahead of time, and (unlike engagements) with astounding regulaity.

"Rain turns into white fluff in November? The world is instantly more fun than it used to be!"

Since two things that would make girls rather die than go outside are Rain and Cold it is very surprising that combining these two elements makes them want to instantly jettison themselves and everyone around them into the nearest "out-doors" they can find.

I recently walked over to a gathering of girls and asked them to say whatever came first to their minds when I said "snow"* to their credit one girl did say "cold" and someone else said "slush" the rest of the responses went like this.

"Snowball fights, Christmas, sparkle, winter, fluffy, snowmen, hot chocolate, going home, glistening, sledding...**" I eventually had to cut them off because it was getting late.

Now don't be confused by girls and their changing ways. Snow is their best friend right up until January 1st, afterwhich things take a startling turn for the worse.

Look forward to my post coming this February entitled "Stuff Girls Hate: Snow"


*I'm not making this up
**Oddly enough I didn't hear anyone say "watching men shovel the driveway"

Patience is a virture

I'm not trying to be an old man harping on "kids these days" but I was recently sitting in a class were we were discussing emerging trends among today's college students (seeing as I was one less than a year ago I will include myself in this statistic).

College students want everything now. Tired of investing in relationships for long term payoffs and the strung out process of making friends? Just Facebook someone you went to high school with! Looking for intimacy and can't wait for the right "someone" to come along? Just go hook up with some random dude/chick at a party. Drinking is also a shortcut to dealing with depression/anxiety/loneliness. There is no reason to go to counseling and spend months FIXING a problem when you can throw alcohol at it.

And despite my tongue in cheek coverage of these issues I want you to know that these findings were researched and confirmed by people who spend more time on research papers than I do.
In psychology we would call this the inability to delay gratification. this is indicative of weak or low ego strength. Which is not like having a big ego (though it is related). You WANT lots of ego strength.

I spent some time thinking about this and I realized that I'm impatient too. Because it's not just about being annoyed in a traffic jam, it's the fact that we sometimes can't wait for God to give us the things we think we need and so we shortcut the process and try to do it ourselves. God and Heaven are the ultimate sources of fulfillment and he also provides legitimate ways for us to find partial fulfillment in earthly things that point to Him and reflect His greatness.

Ever try to shortcut the process? I mean none of MY readers would ever get drunk or hook up with someone at a party (?). But what about relationships in general, money, status, accomplishment, comfort food, looking good, having friends, entertainment, etc...

These things aren't all bad I know...but. Think about it.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

Fact: Relationships terrify me.
Fact: Lots of marriages end in divorce
Fact: people my age put a lot pf pressure on themselves in this area.

Interestingly enough some of these thoughts have been going through my head lately* and I've been giving a lot of thought to the topic of relationships. This could be because I'm in one, it could be because I have been studying developmental patterns in college students, or it could be just because my cohort graduated Taylor and many of us were single and ergo destined to die alone.

It seems like a tricky thing, trying to decide who to be with. Your feelings can get all confused and you can become discouraged. I've talked to many guys who've had trouble "pulling the trigger." We question things like "Will I be challenged by this relationship? Will I be encouraged? Will we both grow? Do our passions line up? Did her mother age well?" These are all great questions.

But recently I have been encouraged to stop asking them. People in arranged marriages never ask them and they seem to do just fine. In fact those types of marriages don't take feelings into consideration at all.

And it occured to me that feelings, although important, really ought NOT to be the most important factor. DesPITE what Disney may tell you the feeling of love doesn't seem to be a good predictor of relational success. How do I know this? Because 50% of marriages in America end in divorce and I would wager that most of them were pretty "in love" at the time of the wedding. In fact I doubt very few of you will ever interview a person who says "yeah I was never really that into my wife, even from the beginning."

Instead I've been encouraged to do what I can do and answer the questions I can answer with certainty. God never promised me that I would have good relationships of any nature, he never told me that being a good husband would yield a good wife. But I do always have the decision to love well, and that will be rewarded.

And so the analogy was put to me like this. "We look at a relationship like a Christmas present and ask 'will it be enough?' When instead what we should be doing is looking in the box and asking 'wow, an empty box! how much do you think I could put in here?'"

Or as my seventh grade football coach used to say "don't worry about the scoreboard, just worry about playing the game. If you do your job on every play, the scoreboard will take care of itself."

I think the problem that many people including me often face is that we think we are in such a high stakes game that the score is really important. And so we spend so much time worrying about the scoreboard that we don't have our head in the game and it passes us by. I've never heard of a coach recommending that strategy, not even Rich Rodriguez.


*Cortney and I are very very VERY not engaged.

NaNoWriMo

Happy sweet November!

If you ask me November is by FAR the greatest of all months ever created.

The word November has Latin origins and means "ninth month." This was before the Romans adopted the Julian Calendar and added the months January and February.* November contains many of my favorite holidays including Thanksgiving, my birthday, my sister's birthday, and the day that Ohio State annually pummels Michigan.

Fun historical fact: JFK and C.S. Lewis both died on November 22, 1963.
Fun contemporary fact: November is pancreatic cancer awareness month.**

But most importantly for the sake of this post, November is National Novel Writer's Month, or NaNoWriMo.

I was first introduced to NaNo by my friend Chris Teirney, whose last name I have forgotten how to spell correctly. Since then I have spent most of October planning on writing a novel, and all of November not doing it. I am proud to say that this year is no exception!

The point of NaNoWriMo is to finish writing an entire novel in a month. they define novel as 50,000 words and they define month as November. That averages out to about 5 double spaced pages a day on Microsoft Word. You aren't supposed to care if it's terrible, that's not the point. The point is to finish. It's like a Marathon, you feel pumped if you do it even if some Kenyan beat you. Or in my case, a Kenyan and 170,000 old ladies.

check out the website if you are interested. I spend most of October looking at it.

*I am not making this up
**See above

Full on Rant!

So sometimes when I write posts I'm trying to make a general observation about the world or about spirituality and I try to express my opinion along with biblical principles that I believe to be true. And when I discuss the Ohio State Buckeyes I am just bringing up inherent truths we all know so as to remind you.

This is not like that. This is me completely spouting unfounded opinions based on what annoys me personally. this post has no redeeming value and in order to maintain the credibility of my blog as being either amusing or thought provoking I put the disclaimer on this post that you wouldn't be missing out if you didn't read it.


When I read Les Miserable well to do citizens (not the poor ones) had two shirts, two pairs of pants, and a coat. The reason for two shirts and pants was so that you could wear them while the other one was being cleaned. And I thought to myself "that's what Heaven is going to be like."

When people buy cloths they are PAYING MONEY for a variety of things they already own. We don't do this with cars, furniture, or spouses, so why should we go it with cloths? If the garment gives you shelter from the elements and covers your shame you are good to go. Is it naive to think that I already own all the cloths I'm going to need for the rest of my life?

And people who buy cloths are buying the cloths that "society" has decided are fashionable. Not only are you spending money on things you don't need, you are buying the ones that OTHER people told you to buy! Why don't you just buy a Macbook or set $10 bills on fire? What if I showed up at your house and told you that you had to put in a particular style of carpet, and that YOU had to pay for it. This is what society is trying to do to us every day! And some people ENJOY IT!

Now, I might be coming at this from an extreme angle. It's just that I was recently taken aback when a certain girlfriend (who shall remain nameless) was explaining to me that the reason that she doesn't like to wear cloths more than once before washing them again is because they feel different. Is this true? She had a friend back her up. They claim if you wore a shirt, took it off, folded it, and put it back in the drawer, you could tell the difference when you put it on again.

I have never in my life experienced this phenomenon. Which leads me to believe that perhaps the reason I don't care about cloths is that I am suffering from tactile sensory deprivation. They also claim that socks get "baggy" after you wear them...and that this is a bad thing. Again, never heard of this.

The other year I told someone that I hated my winter coat. It's makes me look like a marshmallow, but it was a present. Then someone suggested to me that I BUY ANOTHER ONE. Now I'm not sure how much good winter coats cost but I think the answer is "more than five dollars." And you want me to buy another one? So that I would have TWO? I'm just hoping that my house eventually burns down with the coat inside it so that I will have the opportunity to get another one for LEGITIMATE reasons.

That being said, I've decided that I'm going to go as long as I possibly can without buying any new clothes starting today.*

Exceptions I will count:

Socks, underpants, and running shoes/ tennis shoes and to a lesser extent jeans are things that actually wear out. I can replace these items when that time comes, and not a moment before.

When an article of clothing becomes ruined for one reason or another (spilled paint on it, badgers ate it, etc...) or I lose a piece of clothing I might replace it.

If I take up some hobby or job that actually REQUIRES some type of clothing I will buy it (uniform/hiking boots/tuxedo/wetsuit/Oscar Meier wiener costume etc...)

Extreme novelty: Silly hats etc...

Clothing representing a group of which I am a part and it would look bad if I was the only guy who didn't buy a shirt.

I am still accepting gifts, but if you are going to buy me a winter coat check to see if it's the kind I want because I am probably going to be wearing it for the rest of my life.

*And in case you were wondering I have NOT bought any books or music since I made that other bold claim over the summer

Essays on Greatness: Part IV

Oh Why Oh Why Oh Why Oh, do you jerks hate Ohio?

Recently there has been some confusion among the geographically impaired of our country*

I have actually heard some people speak out against the great state that is Ohio. Now of course those of you liberally minded folks who like to play devil's advocate might like to point out that through a loop-hole known as the "constitution" this is technically legal in 49 states. But it is also legal to drink radiator fluid yet so seldom do I run across that in my daily life.

For some reason, anti-Ohio heresies (from here by referred to as "hate-speak") has been uttered in my hearing several times this year. This hate-speak can often be heard coming in a garbled fashion from an unfortunate and ignorant person who either is considering giving up on life, doesn't know how to read a map, doesn't know how to watch college football, or doesn't have a very good mastery of the English language. I believe that This Video is an accurate representation of the majority of people that don't understand Ohio

And I heart goes out to those people. Especially those that do not speak English. It is difficult enough to get by in a country where you don't speak the language without being confused for a Michigan fan. Americans are so terrible some times.

But some people actually understand and BELIEVE what they are saying when they Criticize THE Ohio State Buckeyes. And that's kinda scary. With people like that in our country it makes you wonder if it was really a good idea to let them govern themselves in a Democracy. And I guess that's just the sort of stuff that Ohio is willing to put up with in order to ensure the freedoms that we continue to provide for the rest of the states on a continual basis.

At first it made me think that some of these people who "prefer" other teams didn't know that Jim Tressel occasionally lets the other team reach the end-zone more often because it's good for the economy and it's good for the NCAA in general. But if such were the case it would mean that these "fans" had no idea how college sports worked at all. Honestly being a fan and not understanding how it works is like voting for president without knowing what country you're from. And to tell you the truth, I bet a lot of people are going to do this in November.

But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming that these people are just envious. The most envious, of course, are Michigan and Florida, but they are in total denial. I had a talk the other day with my good friend Sigmund Freud and he agreed with me. His theory was long and detailed and contained some rather adult language. A man named Oedipus was mentioned repeatedly. But in the end you can't argue with the father of psychotherapy. I mean, can it really be coincidence that the states that have been most antagonistic towards Ohio are compensating for something with large peninsulas?

* Geographically impaired: Adjective-regularly ascribed to one who is not from Ohio, or Noun-one who is not from Ohio.

sandpaper

Y0u know what Christians are ironically great at? Feeling guilty. On the one hand it makes sense because our religion makes us terribly aware of just how far we've fallen. It's kinda the point of the law. But at the same time it's odd because we firmly believe that we are the only people in the entire world that are forgiven, and going to Heaven. Yet we spend a lot of time feeling guilty.

Guilt isn't all bad. People will not undergo the pain of change unless the pain of staying the same is greater. So guilt is a motivation for change in our Christian lives. But I think it's overused.

The reason this comes to mind is that I was frustrated with the fact that I'm a "bad Christian." I don't care about other people as much as I should, I'm not as humble as other people, I'm not as nice as other people, I don't get into the Bible as much as some other guys that I know and I'm certainly not as enthusiastic for anything that involves "volunteering." The words "Service project" makes me suddenly find reasons to be very busy, and I generally leave church services immediately upon being dismissed.

It's so easy to compare myself to others who do better than me at aspects of their Christian walk. And I guess that's where guilt as a change agent can be useful. But honestly I think it's overdone. It's true that we SHOULD all improve as much as possible to be the best we can be, but to be honest I think the process is more important than the product.

To say that God doesn't care how much we sin is to take this idea too far and put words in my mouth (which is already full of Frito's, so don't try). As Paul would say "[mae ganoita]" (which translates roughly to "may it never be."*) No, I think God cares very much when we sin. But since trying to earn you way into his grace is like trying to cut down a red-wood with a piece of sand-paper I'm thinking that instead of being upset with the DEGREE of our failure he might be more interested in how earnestly we sought him and how we discovered him while we were failing.

So while I spend all day being sad that my sand-paper isn't course enough, God cuts down the tree with a chainsaw and invites everyone to come inside and have dinner with him. And if this makes you view God as a huge lumberjack...we'll that's kinda funny.



*It REALLY translates to "Hell no" but you know...Paul was a bit of a potty mouth

Under Pressure

Please listen to the Queen song "Under pressure" whilst reading this entry. It's a good song, and yes, it does have the same beat as Ice ice baby, but "Vanilla" claims that he didn't rip it off. He maintains that there is subtle difference. I don't hear it.

But anyway, I write now to reflect on my lack of reflection. I'm so busy right now that it seems that I haven't had time to write on my blog (and unfortunately this might become an increasingly common trend for the duration of this semester).

But when I do get a few minutes I sit down and try to think of something meaningful or humorous to report I draw a blank. I think that I'm not actually too busy to spend 20 minutes writing, but I AM making myself too busy to process what's happening in my life in a meaningful way. I feel that because of the amount of reading, learning, working, and questioning that a student activities coordinator/ full time grad-student does, I am nothing more than a battle ground on which ideas contend. I would much rather be a soil for ideas to grow.

Some guy smarter and more respected than I once said "Abraham Lincoln was an extremely deep man because he read so little." Meaning that Abe didn't have many ideas taking up space in his head. He spent a lot of time internalizing and exploring a few concepts that were important to him.

If I want to be like that maybe I should get into this whole "Sabbath" thing. I heard that God recommends it.

For your consideration

Although my opinion on this topic might be evident, don't think that I'm preaching to you here, this is actually a question "for your consideration."

But I had a talk with a guy the other day who said that to take care of your body was a Godly thing to do. Ok, I'm with you so far. But I've heard people (usually men) say that staying in good shape by running and staying thin are things that are expected of you as a Christian. In fact they can go so far as to say "I expect my wife to stay in shape and to exercise." None of the men I have ever heard say this have been married, and actually I don't think any of them had girlfriends either. Of course they always follow up with "I expect to stay in shape myself; I'm not holder her to a higher standard.

1 Cor: 6:19 tells us that our body is a temple of God. But people debate what this means. Some say you can't drink, smoke, or get tattoos. Some say you have to work out. Fitness as a Christian virtue.

Possibly...and I bet many of you have heard this argument before. but here's the little kicker observation I have for you. I have never heard ANYONE say this unless they were already the kind of person who is very fit and works out. This is a popular opinion among wash-board abbed single men, possibly on the track team.

Doesn't make it wrong. But you hear people speak of their struggle with lust or pride. People talk about their struggle with believing lies about their self-worth (body image, defining themselves in things apart from God, etc...). People talk about their struggle with jealousy or possessiveness. I have never heard anyone talk about their struggle with weight as a spiritual issue. Only people who are doing well at it regard it as a "Godly or Biblical principle"

But maybe the blame isn't on them. Maybe they are actually right and those of us who buy "loose fit" jeans don't want to admit that something like food and our sedentary life-style could actually be considered sinful. We call thoughts like that "legalistic" (and there is NOTHING Christians hate more than legalism).

People in outrageous credit card debt rarely talk about poor money management being a spiritual issue, but since most of us don't live like that we have no problem calling it out.

And yet, I've seen some un-Christ-like attitudes from the "healthy" that I think stem directly from this belief.*

I'm not passing judgement here...YOU pass judgement. But just so you all know how I roll until I'm convinced otherwise (and I'm open to that): if my wife is gonna carry my children she can get as fat as she wants, as long as she doesn't judge me for "going to seed" myself.


*I'm not talking about you Eric, although we did have a conversation about this.

Stuff Girls Like III: Engagements

Whoa don't get me wrong, it makes a lot of sense for a girl to be excited about her engagement. In fact, I'm suspecting that if I somehow find myself engaged one day, I'll probably be pretty excited. Though I hope I'm not surprised by it.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact the engagement of two people slightly tangential to your life deciding to spend the rest of THEIR lives together is cause for YOU to celebrate. And if you don't think so, you don't believe in love.

Now it is, of course, more exciting if you KNOW the people engaged, and it's MOST exciting when they are two fictional characters on a highly rated prime time show on NBC. I know this for a fact because I spent about ten minutes quizzing two girls on the best engagements ever. Pam and Jim rank above everything except room-mates and immediate family.

But even when you aren't fortunate enough to know the people getting engaged, you can still be excited. Because people you don't know deciding to spend their lives together is as exciting finding out that Michigan lost a football game.

Sometimes when Cortney is having a bad day I simply make up people and tell her they are engaged.

"Guess what honey? Galvin Gunhold and Susanne Deetz just got engaged!"

"Oh, that's so fun! Are we going to the wedding? Can we walk there?"

Buffalo buffalo...

It has been submitted to me by a reader (whom I have not seen in three years) that "Buffalo" was a disappointing entry name because it in no way pertained to the fact that one can write an entire sentence using only the word Buffalo. Well Chris, here you go.

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

Believe it or not folks, this sentence is grammatically correct. It has been discussed by linguist buffs with entirely too much time on their hands since an William J. Rapaport, an associate English professor from the city of Buffalo, first used it in 1972.*

It takes advantage of the fact that the word Buffalo is

1) a noun (the animal) which is spelled the same whether singular or plural
2) A proper noun, Buffalo New York
3) A verb meaning, to bully or to intimidate.

This sentence, although correct reads awkwardly because it does not make any use of articles or determiners.

Lets see what happens when we put them back in

Buffalo buffalo that Buffalo buffalo buffalo also buffalo buffalo

or more specifically

Buffalo from Buffalo, that are buffaloed by buffalo from Buffalo, also buffalo buffalo from Buffalo

Now I will replace the city of Buffalo with "Upland" and the animal buffalo with "people" and the verb buffalo with "bully"

People from upland, that are bulled by other people in upland, still bully yet OTHER people in upland themselves.

In essence, these buffalo are total jerks. Even though these other bully buffalo are picking on them, they spin right around and pick on other dumber, smaller buffalo. My question is, are all buffalo total butt wipes or is there something particularly venomous about the ones that hail from Buffalo?

Thank you Chris for your astute observation, and screw you English language for being so freaking complicated. You wonder why immigrants haven't learned English yet? Cause Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.



*I am not making this up

Buffalo

Recently my good friend, Benjamin Robert Taylor, asked me to guest lecture in his class about the Foundations of Christian thought. But then he punked out on me and only gave me seven minutes. He told me: "Convince them to make the most of their Taylor experience, suck the marrow out of the bones of it and use a piece of bread to sop up the leftovers at the bottom of the bowl."

Poetic

So I kinda rambled about some stuff but reflecting on the experience has lead me to a conclusion.

Make a buffalo out of everything that happens to you. For those of you who didn't take Ohio history in forth grade and learn about the Adena and the Hopewell Indians (the mound builders) some of you may not know that when the indians killed a buffalo they used every single part of the animal for something. Nothing went to waste. Not a single sinew or hair. Although they also worshiped trees and junk so we should take whatever the Indians did with a grain of salt.

I had a great Taylor experience. I did all the stuff that you are supposed to do to be the stereotypical student and get pictured in the brochure. (Though I was never actually IN the brochure, try as I might) But I had some hard things happen to me, while I was in college and I didn't have your typical "Taylor home life."

My older sister didn't have a typical Taylor experience. She didn't really experience the "community" we brag about. And come to think of it I can remember a lot of people with different stories who didn't really enjoy the school in the same way I did. But we all had the opportunity to learn something about ourselves and about God though the experience if we wanted to.

The problem is a lot of people didn't take advantage of that. Even the people with the "typical experience" didn't really reflect on it. They had fun and they moved on. But that's a choice. And a bunch of different stuff happens to all of us. A family member dies, you get a promotion, you have a kid, you lose a kid, you move to a new place, you have lots of job stress, you are lonely, you are happy, you feel like God is far away etc... But you can choose to take every element of that experience and honor God with it. Asking him "how can I learn from this?"

Taylor is just one example. We kill buffaloes every day. Don't waste them.

Tacober 1st

For all of you avid readers that are deeply interested in my life, today is the birthday of my girlfriend, the beautiful Cortney Michelle Korshak.

Now, I could wax on for quite some time about the virtues of this wonderful woman. And in fact I sometimes do. But she gets embarrassed very easily, and it has occurred to me that SOME people might not be as interested in her as I am, which I admit would be hard, because I find her pretty dang interesting (interesting, enchanting, beautiful, intoxicating, etc...).

So instead I offer this insight. I don't know much about dating, and I haven't done much of it, but I think many of us "good Christians" (including myself) have over spiritualized the concept without truly grasping what a great tool for spiritual growth it can be.

I went to a Christian college, my observation: Christian's make dating weird. Getting married is a life altering decision. Going out with a girl spring of your sophomore year is NOT a life altering experience. You can seek God's will all you want but if you don't get any handwriting on the wall it's FINE, just date her if you like her. If you change your mind later...dump her. Everyone will cry but that doesn't make it a mistake.

But at the same time, despite the fact that I treated dating almost like a sacrament, I never understood how God could use a relationship to teach me about myself, and about Him.
Learning to love someone different from yourself means learning about yourself. It means finding out why those "differences" matter and if any of them are things in you that need to change.

Also, I believe that God gives us ALL KINDS of relationships so we can understand Him. We wouldn't understand the love of the father unless we actually had earthly fathers, we wouldn't understand brotherly love without brothers. Husband and wife, mother and child, friend to friend, these are all relationships that model the God's love for us. As I actively pursue a relationship with Cortney it sometimes occurs to me "how much more so is God pursuing me, and how bad must it feel when I reject him?" The more I have applied this to every relationship in my life the more true it seems to be. I think if I were going to guess God's motivation I would guess that he planned it that way on purpose.

Oh well, enough of my thoughts. Cortney is 22 today, if any of you see her wish her a happy birthday.

(Dear Cortney: Sorry you are embarrassed, but happy birthday, I love you)

Living Comfort Eagle?

Rumor has it that our embaressing LCE site might be getting some much needed attention from two men on boarder on "professionals." It's still not much to speak of, but word on the street is that it will be worth visiting before too long. Just wanted to let you know.

No rest for the Juicy.

Working Out part I

I bet if you are familiar with this blog you think this post is going to be something religious about "working out your faith in fear and trembling." Well it's not.

It's about how stupid weight lifting is.

Background:
1) Steve used to be small but strong when he was in football and lifted daily
2) Steve gradually just became small
3) Steve is gradually shifting from small to "round"

Good now you are caught up to the present.

I'm generally in favor of a lifestyle of laziness and underachievement. From the time I tried to roll onto my back during a wrestling match to avoid a painful hold to the time I prayed my football team would miss a field goal (and therefore the playoffs), I haven't been known for my athletic drive or physical prowess.

But three things have recently fueled my passion to get back into shape.

1) The mini Marathon fiasco of 2007
2) Some of my pants no longer fit and I am too cheap to buy new ones
3) I think Cortney can beat me up.

So I went into the weight room here at good ol' H.U. and was greeted by the welcome scent of "sweat and B.O."* The first thing I noted was that I was smaller than everyone else in the room except in my gut muscles and my butt muscles. However I later learned from a T.V. commercial that those aren't actually muscles. In fact some people spend a lot of money to REDUCE the size of these "non-muscles." The television went on to inform me that these mysterious deposits were not my fault, but that I should be very sad that I have them, and they are almost impossible to get rid of by myself.

But again, I'm cheap. So I'm in the weight room where the average height is about 6'56'' and men may or may not be sculpted from some odd sort of flesh-like rock. And I have discovered why the thin stay thin and the fat get fatter. Working out is only for buff people. You are not welcome to get in shape (in public) unless you are already IN shape. Somewhere perhaps there is a gym were nonathletic people can become athletic, and then perhaps one day they can attend the "beautiful gym," but I'm guessing that no matter what legislation states, these gyms might not be as equal as they are separate.

Somehow I have been able to gain entrance to the forbidden city where big men push barbells like machines and small girls run on ellipticals like gazelles. Perhaps I am the token pudgy kid to ensure that the weakest of the "gods" doesn't suffer from self-esteem issues. So I began to lift.

Two things flooded back to my memory almost immediately. Gravity sucks, and lifting things hurts.

If you are a man and have ever decided to "get in shape" you know about the delicate dance that I now preform in the weight room on a regular basis. I shuffle from apparatus to apparatus wondering which one will hurt the least and if any of them are working muscle groups big enough for me to apply weight in the double digits.

Of course the old male standard, the bench press** is out because it requires a spotter, and therefore embarrassment. And some exercises require complicated muscle movements, weight belts, and grunting. (I have never been good at grunting) But bicep curls are are safe for everyone. Bicep curls are great because you don't have to move much, it hurts in a muscle you actually know the name for, and we've seen them on T.V.

So after I get in a few "reps" while checking myself out in the mirror I make a stop to the drinking fountain, look at the clock, and wonder if it's worth going back in. It isn't. But girls weren't impressed in a day! So I'm back at the leg press, because it can be done sitting down. I also engage in a variety of exercises for which I have no name. So I name them myself. Sometimes I work my "wings" on the "wing machine" doing 3x10 of 30 lbs....It sure FEELS heavy. (And I am unashamed to publish those numbers because you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

After a hard 20 minutes of solid work I'm back at the D.C. building my gut muscles and butt muscles and feeling pretty good about myself. So if you too want to get into shape, I have but one piece of advice for you...bicep curls.


*I have a much more vivid description of this smell but in an effort to keep this blog "G" rated I have abstained from including it. If you would like to know what it really smells like I would recommend taking a sauna with your head in a sleeping bag, or e-mailing me at steve_conn@tayloru.edu

**Quintessential test of manhood

Essays on Greatness Part II

Lately there has been some talk around the nation that Ohio State is not actually as great as it seems. People might mention things like "losing" to certain opponents who themselves are unable to win the big games like Thursday night's fiasco against the mighty Oregon State Beavers

But those people are still just jealous of the inherent greatness that IS. The Ohio State Buckeyes. So let me continue to enlighten you with some more "facts" about Ohio and why it should matter to you.

Ohio was the first state admitted to the union under the Northwest Territory act, and it's original postal abbreviation was "O."

Ohio is the home of Cedar Point--Worlds best amusement park.

Ohio is the mother of presidents.

Ohio is the birth place of the wright Brothers, Thomas Eddison, John Glenn, Ulysses S. Grant and others

If the Above is true, then Ohio invented planes, spaceships, light and politics/military strategy.

Ohio was once voted "Most awesomest place ever"*

Buckeyes are a delicious confection made of peanut butter and chocolate

Ohio single-handedly won the Civil War for the union.

During WWII Ohio supplied more troops and produced more ammunition than either Alaska or Costa Rica.

Murder is more illegal in Ohio than in any other state.

If you are from Ohio you are eligible for free hugs**

Michigan is not in Ohio

Ohio hosts the football hall of fame and the Rock and Roll hall of Fame

Rock and Roll originated in Ohio***

No evil world dictators have ever come from Ohio

The USC Trojans, Florida Gators, Notre Dame fighting Irish, Captain Ahab, Carrot Top, O.J. Simpson, Joseph Stalin, Lorena Bobbit, Ann Rand, and the Shredder are all people/groups that did not originate in Ohio.

Ohio is "the heart of it all"

And if you don't agree that Ohio is the best place, which produces the best football team ever...I will fight you. And I will win, because I'm from Ohio.

* Gallup poll
**Stop by my office
***This is actually true. Though the roots of rock and roll trace back to blues and even to spirituals sung by slaves in antebellum America, the first use of the term was on Cleveland radio to describe the sounds of a resident musician nicknamed "lead belly." The name stuck. Hence the expression/song "Cleveland rocks." (That is also true).

Think on these things

Finally, dear brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy, think on these things, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, shall be with you.

~Phil 4:8~

Recently I've been having conversations that sometimes turn to interest news I've read about in higher education. Why? Because I am getting a MA in Higher ed and I read about a million pages every day on the topic and I am now forced to think of issues I never would have considered in the past. Is this a problem? Only because it's boring to everyone else.

You know how they say "to a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail,"? Well I've noticed that whatever I am really studying becomes my hammer. Which only makes sense. But there was a time when the Bible was my hammer.

In the Old Testament the Israelites used to bind up small scrolls of the law and wear them on their wrists as well as putting them on the door. If you were a wealthy man instead of moving down to Florida and spending your money on fast cars and faster women you would stop working and sit under a fig tree and meditate on the scriptures. That was considered the good life.

I don't feel like a bad person because I am studying something else. But when I was working at a camp I was really surrounded by God's word. Ruminating on it and talking about it as well as teaching it and reading it. And I really liked the way I felt at camp that summer. I don't work at a camp anymore, but I'm wondering how I can get that feeling back.

Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.

~Joshua 1:8~

Stuff Girls Like (good natured teasing)

English as a Second Language

This suggestion for S.G.L. was submitted by reader Matt Beres. And the man is right.

Even though we've been taught that you can serve God in any vocation we've REALLY always grown up believing that being a missionary is the best thing you could ever do with your life. ESPECIALLY if it involved Africa.

This is no longer true. Go onto any college campus and tell a girl that you want to be a missionary after you graduate and she will say "oh that's great." Tell the same girl that you have a passion for teaching English as a Second Language and she will start flailing her arms in some capacity whilst enthusiastically shouting "Oh my gosh! ME TOO!"

And this doesn't even necessarily need to be a lie. But it seems that the (average) college going male and female have different views on how ESL is to be approached. Girls seem to have an affinity for learning Spanish and going to poor countries to love toothless natives and teach them English using the skills they have picked up in ESL certification classes. Us guys on the other hand were envisioning something that looked a lot more like picking an interesting destination in China and wandering around until some university picks us up and PAYS us (I know, it's like stealing) to speak to their class just because we have an American accent. The fact that we don't know the difference between a demonstrative determiner and gerund is irrelevant because we are doing something with our lives!

Cortney is ESL certified and taught English one summer in Ecuador. When I tell this to girls they all nod and smile as if to say "I'm so happy Steve found a woman who has realized life's great calling. Steve needs that because he only speaks one language."

If you look at the glass half empty this is just another thing (like walking) for men to feel guilty about not doing. but if you are an opportunist it can be viewed as way to get in good with girls without actually having to do anything. It's not actually necessary to become ESL certified to become a hero in our culture. All you must do is mention something about intending to learn Spanish and you have secured yourself a second date.

Me: "Do you know any resources I can use to learn Spanish? I'm into ESL"
Girl*: "Do you know any churches where we could get married tonight?"


*This is "not" how I got Cortney to date me. And this article is "not" in any way about her.

God in a box

I would like to point out, though it has nothing to do with this post, that if you read the comments left on the previous post you will see a girl clearly demonstrating my point.

And now to the matter at hand.

I would like to stand up for the Big Guy. By which I mean established church, and also God. These are two entities that can get by without my endorsement, but I will give it to them just the same.

It is very popular now a days to rag on the church, or a specific church, for letting us down, for missing something, for over programming and missing the point, for being inauthentic blagh blagh blagh... thank you for your opinions super edgy emergent Christian who really "gets" God and has a tattoo of your favorite Starbucks drink. Donald Miller would be proud.

Despite my sarcasm, the unconventional Christians who cry out for change ARE right. Yes, they are. But that doesn't make anyone else wrong. In some peoples efforts to take God out of the conventional box they have blinded themselves to just how big He is. Example:

"I hate worship services that are just planned right down to the minute. There is no room for the Holy Spirit to move. I like a more free-flowing, living service so that God can really enter that place. You guys put God in a box"

As if anyone COULD put God in a box. Don't imply that the Holy Spirit cannot accomplish in 60 minutes the same amount as you would expect him Him to accomplish in 90. I don't think God has ever has his cosmic plans thwarted because he needed more time. I believe God can do as HE pleases just as well when a pastor uses an outline and a PowerPoint as when he "says what God puts on his heart."

When we assume that people are "limiting the Holy Spirit" all we are doing is showing how limited our view of Him really is.


So in the same way let us not throw stones at people who are "blowing" or "missing" an aspect of Christianity. I'm NOT defending any establishment as having it all together, nor (despite my sarcasm) am I condemning the anti-establishment trend setters of my generation. I honestly believe that the church IS missing something. Every church is missing something. Because no matter who you are or what you are trying to accomplish You have a box. And try as hard as you can but you are never going to completely get rid of the box, and you are never going to fit God inside of it. We can't encapsulate eternity. In one sense no one has ever put God in a box

In another sense, everyone has. The beautiful thing is that even though we can't fit all of God in a box we can take a look inside people's boxes and see that part of God is, in fact, there. And different communities, establishments, and people are all going to have different sizes and shapes for their boxes.

This Blog is just one of my boxes, and right now you are looking inside. And as Christians we need to be looking in as many boxes as we can in effort to make our own much bigger, and not to be threatened by the shape of some one elses box.

God is in the slums, he is in the lives of the prostitutes and homeless. He is in back-alley coffee houses and hostiles. BUT he is ALSO in little churches with populated mainly by Sr citizens, he is in mega churches with flashy stage presentations, and he is in all things in between. We are all on the same team here, and try as hard as you will NO ONE can put my God in a box.

Stuff Girls Like

Now forgive me for naming this post something that will make you think of stuffwhitepeoplelike or stuffchristianslike (both very funny) Trust me, that is not my intent, but I can't think of a better title for a post about stuff that girls like.

And here's why I'm writing this post. Because I'm not trying to list things that girls generally enjoy. Girls would be far better at doing that than I am. What I wanted to do was draw attention to a few particularly strange but universally accepted obsessions girls can't seem to get over.

Here are the two criteria I employ for defining "stuff girls like"

1) It must be close to universal but never explicitly talked about
2) Girls must act shocked and offended when you don't like it too.

Example 1 Walking:
Girls love to walk. If you have a girlfriend that means you have gone on several walks. My girlfriend generally takes a walk every day. The idea of taking a walk by myself makes about as much sense to me as playing tennis by myself, but girls are enamoured with it.

Now it's true, that I like to go for runs, and you might make the argument that walking is like running except slowed to an excruciatingly tedious pace. My Rebuttal: I also like to read, but running is to walking as reading is to hooked on Phonix flash-cards.

You know this is true because no matter where you are, no matter how good of friends you are with the person, no matter how far she has to go, if it is a "nice day" outside a walking girl will NOT accept a ride in your car.* She will always say "oh no I'm almost there" meaning she is only half a mile away.

It is true that I am fully capable of walking a half a mile but I'm also capable of washing dishes by hand, and I've yet to the person (man or woman) who says "oh no I'm fine without the dishwasher, I really like the feeling of water against my hands. Thanks though."

This is nowhere more evident than when your dirty dark secret comes out that you sometimes drive distances of less than a mile. Perhaps you are on a college campus and you've decided that you don't want to walk 8 minutes to the library to fetch a book and walk 8 minutes back. If you ever let a girl know you've done this she will look at you and say "why would you drive?" and the fascinating thing about this is that she will be utterly serious. She doesn't know why you would do that. It's a curiosity to her. But if you explain that you "didn't want to walk" you might get any number of responses from her, but whatever she says you will leave the altercation feeling that your character and love for "God's world" has been called into serious question.

I hope no one takes offense at this post. It is meant to be humorous. And I hope you do not take offense to the fact that I live and work on a college campus and I drive to work every day.

*As to the "accepting a ride" situation I postulate that to girls accepting a ride is kinda like declaring "I really want to date you" and so they avoid it at all costs, which is the same reason they will most likely refuse to wear your coat/sweatshirt no matter how cold they are and how many layers you are wearing.

Sixpense; and more sixpense

After he had fully determined that the young man was at the bottom of this state of affairs, he, Jean Valjean, the regenerated man, the man who had laboured so much upon his soul, the man who had made so many efforts to resolve all life, all misery, and all misfortune into love, looked within himself, and there he saw hatred (493).

The above is a quote from Victor Hugo's Les Miserables which I reviewed earlier back before I stopped doing book reviews.

But I relate to it. I'm an ugly person inside. And if you have been keeping up at all with this blog you will know that this year has been a difficult time of self discovery for me. Larry Crabb says "to know me is to like me, to really know me is to really like me, but to truly know me is to be disgusted." The sinner inside is never pretty, but he is very real.

C.S. Lewis tells a story about a father who gave his son a sixpence. The boy promptly went out and bought his Father a present. The father, of course, was happy that his son decided to spend the money on him, but in reality, the father was not any better off in a material sense than he was at the beginning, since it was his money to begin with. He was "sixpence none the richer"*

We are all the little boy, and when we offer our lives and service to God he is, of course, thrilled that his child would return to him in such a way. But once again, he is sixpence none the richer. Because it was His to begin with.

To tell the truth though, the sixpence is all way have to give. The only thing we have is ourselves. Which really doesn't seem like much.

But here's a thought. We say "Lord all I am and all that I have is yours." And we mean it. But the truth of the matter is that we don't really know ourselves. Not fully, and I believe that we can't give to God what we don't really have. Johari calls this our "unknown self." There are places in our own heart and mind that we have never been, and until we go there, we can't surrender them to God.

And that's the fun/hard part. When you look inside yourself and see something hideous you can give God another sixpence. It is a wretched and depraved sixpence to be sure, but our God is in the business of redeeming. So Rejoice! As bad as it hurts you are getting another chance to give God the only thing you are qualified to give. That is, unless you want to keep it for yourself...but who would want to do that?

*Yes this really is where the band gets its name.

A day in the life

Hello all you faithful readers out there in blogland. I know you have been sitting on pins and needles waiting for my latest installent of musings.

I was waiting to post this until I had pictures of the events I'm about to describe, but becuase the lovely Cortney Michelle Korshak is not that big of a fan of uploading things that will have to wait for another day.

But speaking of Cortney, this Saturday I was able to introduce her to the REAL love of my life.*

And no, I'm not talking about C.S. Lewis, becuase he is dead, and that would be creepy. I'm talking of course about THE Ohio State Buckeyes.

Cortney and I traveled to Colombus to witness the Scarlet and Gray take the field against some guys. Unfortunately we only arrived there 45 miuntes early. Which is really stupid because apparently every car in the state of Ohio was lined up trying to get onto campus. I am convinced that no one car pooled. Families of five drove six diferent cars. I saw it.

But patience is a virtue so we waited in line at the first exit until 11:59 when the traffic guards blocked the exit with a series of cones and told me to go around to the next one.

[imagine lots of rage in this line of text]

An hour later we found our seats, which were almost close enough to the field to make out which team was which. But we were together, we were watching the bucks...we were happy.

On the way home we completed our super fun date by going to Applebees where I met an interesting man with whom Cortney went to Costa Rica (not by coincidence, we called him). They fondly recounted tales of spanish things and people and tortillas and stuff while I looked over Cortney's sholder at the T.V. screen depicting the humiliating defeat of the Michigan Wolverines.

Yes my day was deffinately going well despite the difficult start. Then I noticed that one of the tires of my car, (in celebration of all the wonderull things that had happened in college football) had burst in a fit of joy!

[insert more rage]

But that was cool becuae I had a spare tire in the trunk and I got to change it in front of Cortney and show off my manly know how**

Moral of the story? I hate Michigan.


*Sorry babe
**Thanks Jake Drake for randomly taching me how to change a flat

Essays on Greatness: Part One

When considering college athletics what comes to mind when you think of tradition and a long-standing history of pride and excellence? You think of Notre Dame of course! But guess what? Liking Notre Dame as a football team is like rooting for Great Britain to become the worlds leading superpower again. England is full of tradition and cool old buildings and junk, and sure they gave us a good start, chartered some states, and sent us Led Zeppelin, but now a days they're just tea sipping panty-waistes with crooked teeth. If anyone knows how to rest on their laurels it's England, Notre Dame, a Tenured Professor, and Mr. T.

But barring "Our lady" and that state up North, no team* has the proud tradition and history of the Ohio state university.

If I may, let me educate you on some of the finer points in the history of THE Ohio state University and the great state from which it hails.

The name "Ohio" is derived from the Seneca word ohi:yo’, which has been interpreted to mean "beautiful river" It was admitted to the union as the (insert factual number)th state and did not allow slavery. Michigan, on the other hand not only supported the practice of enslaving disenfranchised blacks but also made a practice of enslaving women and particularly ugly children.

Contrary to popular belief Columbus neither found nor founded the institution in question, this myth persists due to it's early popularity in the new world. But eventually, because expanding the campus was beginning to become costly they stopped building dormitories out of gold and the name "El derado" was eventually dropped.

The Ohio State University (as YOU know it) was founded in 1870 as a land-grant university in accordance with the Morrill Act of 1862 under the name of the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College...In 1878, and in light of its expanded focus, the college permanently changed its name to the now-familiar "The Ohio State University" (with the article "The" as part of its official name).

As you can see, I have consulted a credible source that might not be Wikipedia**

In 1835 those dirty Michiganders wanted into our land so they invaded in what later became known as the Toledo War (I am not making that up). But because the Federal government wasn't man enough to do what must be done (mainly sell Michigan to Canada) we ended up giving them the Upper peninsular in exchange for Toledo. This is not what I call a fair trade.


However, out of this was born the greatest sports rivalry since that young upstart Mr. Pibbs first squared off against the established Dr. Pepper (as the worlds foremost drink that tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper.)***

In the late 1800's coach Woody Hayes invented the sport of football with the help of assistant coach Theodore Roosevelt in the back woods of Augusta Main. Their first team "the rough riders" single-handedly won the Spanish American war as they gallantly took the field to the fan's triumphant cry of "Remember the Maine; to Hell with Spain!"

For years the Rough Riders dominated all competition in the NCAA, (which was then called nothing) and eventually inspired other knock off football team imitations bordering on questionable Mr. Pibb like quality. Among these teams were the Notre Dame fighting
Irish,**** The Michigan Wolverines, The USC Trojans, the Pennsylvania Pacifists, the Denver Broncos, The Miami Heat, the Georgia Bulldogs, the Richmond Whigs, Manchester United, and Team USA.

Roosevelt eventually retired from the Rough Riders to raise a family and become a public servant of some little renown. Leaving Hayes to coach the team by himself. However due to copyright agreements the term "rough riders" was owned by history books, so Hayes adopted the name "buckeyes" after the hard and poisonous nuts which comprised the (man making) diet Hayes and his team observed rigidly. Near the end of his career Woody moved the team to Columbus Ohio becuase it was round on both sides and high in the middle. Which is where we find them today




*With the exception of some other teams
**But it is.
***This is not a very hotly contested title
****Who actually take their names from a particularly violent bar fight over the nationality of St. Patrick, who, ironically enough, did turn out to be English. The offended Irish parties however, being Irish, never apologized for the incident, but rather adopted a characiture of the child they beat up as their mascot

Prologue to Essays on greatness 1

I have recently inherited a great fortune in the form of tickets to see the Ohio State Buckeyes.

I simply cannot tell you what this means to me.

Although it does put me in the moral dilemma of deciding who to take with me, if I take my girlfriend, who is beautiful and fun, but can not name a single person on the team, I have finally become "that guy" and I might as well just start learning all the words to high school musical and get used to holding Cortney's purse because I will be WHIPPED. Yet on the other hand, despite their prolific love for THE Ohio State Buckeyes, none of my Bergwallian friends have ever offered to do my laundry or baked me scrumptious goodies to date. And Josh White is going to the OSU Michigan game, so he recieves no sympathy for me for any reason for anything ever.

I shall have to cut the baby in half!*

Being inspired as I was by my recent good fortune I have decided to bless you all with my first Essay on Greatness: The Ohio State Buckeyes.

Now here is something you should know before we embark into this break-neck race to enlightenment. I have recently begun my coursework for a masters in student development and higher education. This means I am now fully ensconced in the ivory tower. Which means among other things, I'm going to be professional, accurate, meticulous, thorough, and overly verbose.

But anyway, seeing as I am currently learning the history of higher education in America, starting with colonial colleges, I thought I would begin my argument for greatness of THE Ohio State Buckeyes in a history lesson. Enjoy.

*(I'm not sure what I mean by this)

Crazy Uncle Danger

For those of you who have been sitting on pins and needles, I have good news. Last night at 8:27 my niece, Alyce Boyers, got "borned"

She was 19 inches long (Random historical fact: Babies are long, everyone else is tall. This is because in ancient Greece you were not allowed to beat a child for any reason unless he was three "feet" tall. [They actually used the foot of the father to measure this] However some larger children reached three feet before they could walk. The law then included the fact that you could not beat a child unless he "stood on his own two feet" unaided. Hence the differentiation between height and length in the measurement of a child.)*

-19 inches long and somewhere between two and twenty pounds. also for some reason babies are measured in pounds and ounces but people are measured in pounds and fractions of pounds. Well I weigh one hundred and eighty pounds and four ounces.

Anyway, mother and child are both doing very well and are happy to be united at last. Today I got to hold my only niece, and I was very excited. I thank everyone who has been praying for her. She's already bringing joy to out family.


*this historical fact was completely made up.

Alyce is on the move

Please read the title of this blog in your best Mr Beaver voice.*

Ok so as many of you know my sister is having a baby. And for the last 9 months she's been having a baby as I've been having job. It's just kinda there (in the womb**). But in the past day or so she has gone from "having a baby" to "having a baby" which means having a baby in the same sense that one has a migraine "Oh my gosh, I hate this, I can't take this any more, I need to make this stop, get me some drugs, this is all my husband's faults etc..."

So now I am leaving in a few short minutes to drive to Cleveland and be with the fam as my sister transitions from "having a baby" in the migraine sense to "having a baby" as one has a puppy or a dishwasher. " Oh it's so cute! Look how small she is! Oh she's waking up! I don't think the silverware got clean enough, you need to run it through again!"

Anyway, please pray for my sister, my brother in law, and my new up-and-coming niece. My next blog-post will hopefully include pictures of the new Alyce Marie Boyers.



*As in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, not Leave it to Beaver, although now that I think about it, I think that guys name was "cleaver" but I'm not sure. Which would be ridiculous cause then the kid's name would be "beaver cleaver." But I don't know. Would one of my more "distinguished" blog readers please reveal his/her chronological prowess and clear this little quandary up for me? Thanks.


**I prefer the term "baby sack."

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous

You guys may not know it, but I currently live like a king.

I know you've already heard about my unnecessarily large apartment, but few of you know about the high standards of living I have come to expect in my lavish accommodations.

Steve Conn spares no expense. Which is why today he went out and sprang for a state of the art T.V. Antenna which allows me to get 100 channels.

However, I am a bit disappointed with a lot of the channels. 96 of them are coming in as various patterns of static.

4 of them, however, are T.V. shows AND static. So I'm addicted to the Olympics like the rest of you poor people (but I'M watching them on a ritzy 20' CRT with a broken power buton and a blue spot in one corner).

But not even I can afford to be so extravagant as to eat at the burger palace every day, but don't fret because my personal chef prepares exquisite meals for me morning noon and night.

I have recently begun referring to myself in third person as "my chef" and I have recently begun describing a can of kidney beans as "exquisite"

And when I'm not sitting in my chair reading a book or sitting in my couch reading a book I am enjoying my private theater; which consists of a DVD player with no remote, a TV with no remote, and one Michael Jordan DVD that I recently borrowed from a guy.

I hope I haven't just made any of you jealous with my good fortune, but I've worked hard to get where I am today.

Burger Palace

Stop whatever you are doing. Whatever it is it is not as important as what I'm about to tell you. Sit down. No wait, don't sit down, get your car keys. No wait, finish this post, then get your car keys. No wait, get in your car, start driving and have someone read this blog to you over your cell phone*

I recently had my life changed in the form of a cheeseburger. There is a run-down scuzzy looking burger joint on 224 that is cheap as dirt and even tastier (than dirt. Tastier than a lot of other places too but that would disrupt the flow of the sentence).

cheeseburgers--$00.98

And yes (hugh) they are WAY better than dollar cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I just had a Double Bacon Cheeseburger, fries, and a medium milkshake for under $5.

If any of you live in the greater Huntington area (I include Taylor in this demographic) You owe it to yourself, and to me, and to your country, to eat at burger palace.

*Driving whilst talking on the phone is dangerous and illegal in some states.