Essays on Greatness: Part One

When considering college athletics what comes to mind when you think of tradition and a long-standing history of pride and excellence? You think of Notre Dame of course! But guess what? Liking Notre Dame as a football team is like rooting for Great Britain to become the worlds leading superpower again. England is full of tradition and cool old buildings and junk, and sure they gave us a good start, chartered some states, and sent us Led Zeppelin, but now a days they're just tea sipping panty-waistes with crooked teeth. If anyone knows how to rest on their laurels it's England, Notre Dame, a Tenured Professor, and Mr. T.

But barring "Our lady" and that state up North, no team* has the proud tradition and history of the Ohio state university.

If I may, let me educate you on some of the finer points in the history of THE Ohio state University and the great state from which it hails.

The name "Ohio" is derived from the Seneca word ohi:yo’, which has been interpreted to mean "beautiful river" It was admitted to the union as the (insert factual number)th state and did not allow slavery. Michigan, on the other hand not only supported the practice of enslaving disenfranchised blacks but also made a practice of enslaving women and particularly ugly children.

Contrary to popular belief Columbus neither found nor founded the institution in question, this myth persists due to it's early popularity in the new world. But eventually, because expanding the campus was beginning to become costly they stopped building dormitories out of gold and the name "El derado" was eventually dropped.

The Ohio State University (as YOU know it) was founded in 1870 as a land-grant university in accordance with the Morrill Act of 1862 under the name of the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College...In 1878, and in light of its expanded focus, the college permanently changed its name to the now-familiar "The Ohio State University" (with the article "The" as part of its official name).

As you can see, I have consulted a credible source that might not be Wikipedia**

In 1835 those dirty Michiganders wanted into our land so they invaded in what later became known as the Toledo War (I am not making that up). But because the Federal government wasn't man enough to do what must be done (mainly sell Michigan to Canada) we ended up giving them the Upper peninsular in exchange for Toledo. This is not what I call a fair trade.


However, out of this was born the greatest sports rivalry since that young upstart Mr. Pibbs first squared off against the established Dr. Pepper (as the worlds foremost drink that tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper.)***

In the late 1800's coach Woody Hayes invented the sport of football with the help of assistant coach Theodore Roosevelt in the back woods of Augusta Main. Their first team "the rough riders" single-handedly won the Spanish American war as they gallantly took the field to the fan's triumphant cry of "Remember the Maine; to Hell with Spain!"

For years the Rough Riders dominated all competition in the NCAA, (which was then called nothing) and eventually inspired other knock off football team imitations bordering on questionable Mr. Pibb like quality. Among these teams were the Notre Dame fighting
Irish,**** The Michigan Wolverines, The USC Trojans, the Pennsylvania Pacifists, the Denver Broncos, The Miami Heat, the Georgia Bulldogs, the Richmond Whigs, Manchester United, and Team USA.

Roosevelt eventually retired from the Rough Riders to raise a family and become a public servant of some little renown. Leaving Hayes to coach the team by himself. However due to copyright agreements the term "rough riders" was owned by history books, so Hayes adopted the name "buckeyes" after the hard and poisonous nuts which comprised the (man making) diet Hayes and his team observed rigidly. Near the end of his career Woody moved the team to Columbus Ohio becuase it was round on both sides and high in the middle. Which is where we find them today




*With the exception of some other teams
**But it is.
***This is not a very hotly contested title
****Who actually take their names from a particularly violent bar fight over the nationality of St. Patrick, who, ironically enough, did turn out to be English. The offended Irish parties however, being Irish, never apologized for the incident, but rather adopted a characiture of the child they beat up as their mascot

Prologue to Essays on greatness 1

I have recently inherited a great fortune in the form of tickets to see the Ohio State Buckeyes.

I simply cannot tell you what this means to me.

Although it does put me in the moral dilemma of deciding who to take with me, if I take my girlfriend, who is beautiful and fun, but can not name a single person on the team, I have finally become "that guy" and I might as well just start learning all the words to high school musical and get used to holding Cortney's purse because I will be WHIPPED. Yet on the other hand, despite their prolific love for THE Ohio State Buckeyes, none of my Bergwallian friends have ever offered to do my laundry or baked me scrumptious goodies to date. And Josh White is going to the OSU Michigan game, so he recieves no sympathy for me for any reason for anything ever.

I shall have to cut the baby in half!*

Being inspired as I was by my recent good fortune I have decided to bless you all with my first Essay on Greatness: The Ohio State Buckeyes.

Now here is something you should know before we embark into this break-neck race to enlightenment. I have recently begun my coursework for a masters in student development and higher education. This means I am now fully ensconced in the ivory tower. Which means among other things, I'm going to be professional, accurate, meticulous, thorough, and overly verbose.

But anyway, seeing as I am currently learning the history of higher education in America, starting with colonial colleges, I thought I would begin my argument for greatness of THE Ohio State Buckeyes in a history lesson. Enjoy.

*(I'm not sure what I mean by this)

Crazy Uncle Danger

For those of you who have been sitting on pins and needles, I have good news. Last night at 8:27 my niece, Alyce Boyers, got "borned"

She was 19 inches long (Random historical fact: Babies are long, everyone else is tall. This is because in ancient Greece you were not allowed to beat a child for any reason unless he was three "feet" tall. [They actually used the foot of the father to measure this] However some larger children reached three feet before they could walk. The law then included the fact that you could not beat a child unless he "stood on his own two feet" unaided. Hence the differentiation between height and length in the measurement of a child.)*

-19 inches long and somewhere between two and twenty pounds. also for some reason babies are measured in pounds and ounces but people are measured in pounds and fractions of pounds. Well I weigh one hundred and eighty pounds and four ounces.

Anyway, mother and child are both doing very well and are happy to be united at last. Today I got to hold my only niece, and I was very excited. I thank everyone who has been praying for her. She's already bringing joy to out family.


*this historical fact was completely made up.

Alyce is on the move

Please read the title of this blog in your best Mr Beaver voice.*

Ok so as many of you know my sister is having a baby. And for the last 9 months she's been having a baby as I've been having job. It's just kinda there (in the womb**). But in the past day or so she has gone from "having a baby" to "having a baby" which means having a baby in the same sense that one has a migraine "Oh my gosh, I hate this, I can't take this any more, I need to make this stop, get me some drugs, this is all my husband's faults etc..."

So now I am leaving in a few short minutes to drive to Cleveland and be with the fam as my sister transitions from "having a baby" in the migraine sense to "having a baby" as one has a puppy or a dishwasher. " Oh it's so cute! Look how small she is! Oh she's waking up! I don't think the silverware got clean enough, you need to run it through again!"

Anyway, please pray for my sister, my brother in law, and my new up-and-coming niece. My next blog-post will hopefully include pictures of the new Alyce Marie Boyers.



*As in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, not Leave it to Beaver, although now that I think about it, I think that guys name was "cleaver" but I'm not sure. Which would be ridiculous cause then the kid's name would be "beaver cleaver." But I don't know. Would one of my more "distinguished" blog readers please reveal his/her chronological prowess and clear this little quandary up for me? Thanks.


**I prefer the term "baby sack."

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous

You guys may not know it, but I currently live like a king.

I know you've already heard about my unnecessarily large apartment, but few of you know about the high standards of living I have come to expect in my lavish accommodations.

Steve Conn spares no expense. Which is why today he went out and sprang for a state of the art T.V. Antenna which allows me to get 100 channels.

However, I am a bit disappointed with a lot of the channels. 96 of them are coming in as various patterns of static.

4 of them, however, are T.V. shows AND static. So I'm addicted to the Olympics like the rest of you poor people (but I'M watching them on a ritzy 20' CRT with a broken power buton and a blue spot in one corner).

But not even I can afford to be so extravagant as to eat at the burger palace every day, but don't fret because my personal chef prepares exquisite meals for me morning noon and night.

I have recently begun referring to myself in third person as "my chef" and I have recently begun describing a can of kidney beans as "exquisite"

And when I'm not sitting in my chair reading a book or sitting in my couch reading a book I am enjoying my private theater; which consists of a DVD player with no remote, a TV with no remote, and one Michael Jordan DVD that I recently borrowed from a guy.

I hope I haven't just made any of you jealous with my good fortune, but I've worked hard to get where I am today.

Burger Palace

Stop whatever you are doing. Whatever it is it is not as important as what I'm about to tell you. Sit down. No wait, don't sit down, get your car keys. No wait, finish this post, then get your car keys. No wait, get in your car, start driving and have someone read this blog to you over your cell phone*

I recently had my life changed in the form of a cheeseburger. There is a run-down scuzzy looking burger joint on 224 that is cheap as dirt and even tastier (than dirt. Tastier than a lot of other places too but that would disrupt the flow of the sentence).

cheeseburgers--$00.98

And yes (hugh) they are WAY better than dollar cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I just had a Double Bacon Cheeseburger, fries, and a medium milkshake for under $5.

If any of you live in the greater Huntington area (I include Taylor in this demographic) You owe it to yourself, and to me, and to your country, to eat at burger palace.

*Driving whilst talking on the phone is dangerous and illegal in some states.

Shadows and Light

Being a Christian doesn't mean being better than anyone else, it means being fully aware of how bad you are.

This weekend I met a man who said "I"m a worse sinner now than I was when I met Christ thirty years ago"

When he went on to explain himself he said that he didn't actually fashion himself to be a worse sinner, but rather, he knew his sin so much more. He might have been a slightly "better" sinner since thirty years ago, but fixing one problem only to discover that you've always had 1,000 other ones isn't really a recipe for success.

Jesus is the light, so we've heard. But you know the closer you get to the source of light the greater a shadow you cast. You still stay the same size you've always been but the perceived darkness grows as you approach that which banishes darkness. Weird thought isn't it?

We are trying to become like Jesus. And it's actually pretty easy when we don't really know what Jesus looks like. When he's an indistinct figure in the distance, or we can only see him through the smudged and dirty lens of our fallen perception it's pretty easy to imagine that when we get a better view we will discover that we do, in fact, look a whole lot like him.

But it never works out that way. The closer we get, the clearer the window becomes, the more we see that we are, in fact, not at all like him. Shedding more light on the issue just reveals that which we would rather leave in darkness.

Growing is never really what we expect is it?

The Magic Moment

Two Blog posts in one day? Yeah, it was that kind of weekend, also I work at a college and it's summer. I've got that kind of time. I tried really hard to keep the foot-notes to a minimum but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my writing career.

First event: My dad finally had the moment. In our house it's tradition that we are NOT allowed to discuss THE Ohio State Buckeyes all summer until Dad has that single, magical moment when it dawns on him "College football is just around the corner!" It's like waking up on the last day of school or the first day after getting hired for a new job; hearing that the war is over or becoming a grandmother for the first time or finding out that the Dr. made a mistake and you are actually HIV negative.*

But yes anyway, (understatements aside) Dad had that magic moment, and as my tongue was loosed to the prolific wonders of THE Ohio State University I ran across some poor lost ones who had not yet accepted the unending (and official) reign of THE Ohio State Buckeyes as the greatest team ever of anything in the world of all times forever and ever.***

People claim that fans of THE Ohio State Buckeyes are: 1) Rude--2) Stupid--3) kinda jerks about the whole thing--4) unable to accept facts about college-football--5) Completely devoid of grace or compassion for any other team.

My rebuttal:
All of you stupid jerks out there who do not know that the Buckeyes are the best (non Jesus) thing to ever happen to your stupid Ohioless existence are stupid jerks and you are LUCKY that Jim Tressel isn't displeased enough to end you in a glorious and efficient manner of which you aren't even worthy.

But there is hope for you.

Stop back here from time to time and be enlightened by all that is Ohio. On this very blogspace I will be writing several persuasive articles that will be as well researched and grounded in fact as they are un-biased and fair.****

So look forward to these intellectually stimulating works of passion and prose. I call them THE Ohio State Buckeyes: Essays on Greatness. I was going to entitle them "Common Sense" but it APPEARS that some little known author has already used this title on a collection of irrelevant works about tea or something.



*I'm sorry I think I wrote "or." That was a typo, it should have said "and."**

**(I apologize if I've offended any student-grandmothers with new jobs that may have loved ones in the war in Iraq and have recently been given a second chance at life. You go girl!)

*** This excludes the "A team," the 1992 "Dream Team," The Justice League, The Navy Seals, The Mighty Ducks (as featured in the Disney Movie) past and future incarnations of the Ohio State Buckeyes, Led Zeppelin, The Legion of Doom, The "N" Team, the Inklings, Google, The cast of Seinfeld, or any time in a T.V. Show or movie where the good guys and the bad guys have to team up to defeat a third party--henceforward described as an uber-villian.

****I Promise

The Mummy III: The Curse of Brenden Fraiser

I've used up most of my scorn for movies in my scathing review of National Treasure. But if you could imagine for a minute all that scorn directed in another direction you would have my review of the Mummy.

Moving on:

I spent this week on a staff retreat with my fellow "student developers" from Huntington University. Oh yes that's right my friend. Staff. I have a staff parking sticker to prove it. But I experienced a lot of things that might make up the inspiration for the next several posts. So before I launch into them I will give a survey of the important events from the weekend.

1) The Vice president of Student Affairs said to me "you complete me." I think he was talking to me, but I was handing him a Nutter Butter at the time so he might have been talking to it. Dr. Coffie is crazy about those Nutter Butters

2) I played a game that will forever be remembered as "pimps and jokers" despite the fact that SOME claim that was not the original name.

3) I forgot to pack pants

4) I found out that the people who work at H.U. are FUNNY

5) I saw the aforementioned travashamockery of a movie.

6) The entire student development staff of a private Christian institution of higher learning was chastised by disgruntled go-kart carnies at "Great Times" in Indy.

7) Everyone ate too much food.

8) I almost saw a "mime-off" and it terrified me.

a benchmark

I would like to congratulate whoever managed to be the 666th viewer of this blog. Please identify yourself for prayer. I hope you are not followed by a curse. I also hope a small circle of people is not currently regretting 665 small units of wasted time. That is all.

No Rest for the Juicy

So for all of you who have been keeping track of my life you know that if I'm done at NewPointe I must be on to my next action-packed phase of life. And you're right. I'm now a proud member of the Huntington University staff in Huntington Indiana. Now this place is no Taylor... (by which I mean I do not love it with an inappropriately huge amount of love, it actually has money, and instead of being represented by a generic Trojan* my mascot is now "Norm the Forrester") but I like it anyway.

Today my boss referenced Flight of the Concords, I had a two hour training session about PHONES, and I was invited to play Settlers of Catan at the end of the work-day. Minus the phones part it was a good first day of work.

Also, a man that I DID NOT KNOW prior to coming here made reference to my blog, specifically my humiliating experience "running" the Indy mini. Dang. Well Eric you get a shout out for being a faithful reader.

For further updates hang tight with baited breath. I have to go on a student development retreat the next few days, but do not fret, I promise to give a full report upon my return. In the mean-time discuss Brett Favre.

*The Trojans, honestly. The word Trojan conjures up two images. A contraceptive with surprisingly uncomfortable commercials and a classic Grecian culture who made it into a history books by being STUPID and LOSING a very important war. Please sign me up for that. I think this is roughly the equivalent of a mascot representing the former** Confederate States of America.

**The South gonna' do it again!

Newpointe is olde news!

Well this post is a bit late but things have been so fast paced lately I haven't had a chance to write as much as I would have liked. NOT that that is an apology. I hate it when people apologize for not blogging or updating their website as if to say "I know that this is terribly inconvienent for you! It must be so hard for you to have to go a week without hearing my opinion"

I figure you guys would live without me. Besides, I apologize for nothing.

So I left Newpoint the other day, and it was harder than I thought. I spent a large amount of time at that place trying to deal with my own personal problems and not really feeling like myself. And because of that I was obviously not too good at making friends at the begining. Also, I was kinda annoyed by my job.

But I eventually got over myself, and by the time I was going my own way I realized that I kinda liked it there. I learned a lot about "defining your own value" in an organization. You may have a job description, but if you've been around for a while you can begin to "lead up" and write your own job description by showing your boss just how valuable you are incertain fields and how bad it would be if (s)he lost you.

I think I was just beginning to get the hang of that when I packed up and left. Oh well. People at NewPointe are obsessed with "leaving a legacy." What did I leave behind?

A Blue Bunny
A Superman Lunchbox
Service starts now
The Junior Operations Committee

I hope that's enough. Unrelated: a generous staff member gave me an iTunes card as a parting gift. I used it to download the song "Grace Kelly" It's as if someone discovered a new bonus track on "Queen's Greatest Hits." Which is just great with me.