Surprised? Not good.

I'm begining to wonder about myself. Most of you are probably wondering what took me so long. But I've been questioning some of my behaviors lately becuase I'm afriad they might have changed in a bad way.

The first thing I need to akcnowledge is that my context has changed dramatically. I continue to live on a Christian campus, but I live alone in an appartment, unable to attend chapel, not connected too closely with anyone on campus, and feeling no particularly strong affiliation with any church. I realize that this is a cause to one problem, and also a problem in and of itself. I have determined to remedy parts of this.

But that's not the main point of this post. The main point is that the other day I told a friend from class that I was considering being a pastor, and she was really surprised. No one has EVER been surprised before when I said that. Through most of undergrad everyone assumd I was a Chrsitian Ed. Major (which was not true) and even though I was studying psychology people constantly asked me if I was looking around for churches yet.

And now it surprises people. But I don't blame Beth for her incredulity. I haven't demonstrated that side of myself in quite some time. I haven't stretched my ministry muscles* since I joined this graduate program. I haven't had much practice in being vulnerable and broken before others. I haven't really had much meaningful interaction with others at all actually. I do not believe that the discipline of student development is beating it out of me (Tim Herrman? never) but some combination of vairiables has caused me to put my academic foot forward and my spiritual foot in the back. I do not like this. I wanted to do Student Development as a ministry, but it's sometimes it feels hard to convince myself that that's what I'm doing.


*note, I said stretched, not flexed

A Phone Call

You know you have reached a terrible point in your life when the most exiting thing that happens to you in a day is your interlibrary loan comes in.

Hello friends, have you missed me while I was in thesis-land? Well I miss a lot of thigns here in Thesis-land...mostly people, and fun.

But I did have a revelation the other day that I would like to share with you. Many of you know by now that I am madly in love with the wonderful Cortney Michelle Korshak. Many of you also know of my love to talk incessently, and if you know Cortney, you know this is a passion that we share.

What you might not know is the other day I called her on the phone and it hit me. We had nothing to talk about. Our conversation sputtered to a halt. I had done homework all day and she had given a test in Spanish class* and we really didn't have much to say.

Now I had finally reached the part in a relationship that I always thought would be truly alarming, the part where you run out of things to say. But for some reason I didn't find myself panicked. Why? Becuase I realized that our relationship doesn't hinge on one insstance of not finding anything to say. Instead it hinges on the cumulative effect of our time spent communicating and the feelings and experiences we share as a result of those. That being said, I didn't get discouraged, and I called her again the next day for a much better conversation. The exchange of information isn't as important as the regard I show her by calling every day and the growing body of expereinces and time we share.

Why do I say all that? Is it because you are all intensly interested in my love life? I sincerely hope not. No, I say that because all too often my quiet times with God feel like phone conversations when I've run out of things to say. And I shoudln't let that discourage me because the principle is the same as it is with Cortney, and after I have a dissapointing quiet time I can shut my Bible and say "well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."**

*She's a student teacher
** This is not to suggest that one should only talk to God (or your girlfriend) in specific segmented parts of the day, that just happens to be the subject of this post.

Leave it Alone

Did you ever wonder if the alterative to "walk it off" was coming? Well here it is.

Becuase some emotional pains are like a bruised muscle that need to be worked out, but some are like a sore tooth that just need to be left alone so they can heal. Revisiting these pains, these thoughts, is not a good thing. There are areas of even our own mind that we should try to stay out of.

Andy Stanley calls these emotions "Tojan Horses." The Trojan Horse being the gift the Greeks left outside of Troy full of soldiers so they could take the city once brought inside.

We have Trjon Horses of the heart. They are gifts left for us by everyone who has ever hurt us, from everyone who has ever wronged us. And the gift is OURS by right. By enduring those hurts we have earned that "horse."

But inside, instead of a host of angry Greeks, we find bitterness and resentment. We find anger and self doubt and either the lust for revenge or the helpless feeling that we deserve what happened to us. And the danger is ours if we accept this gift and bring it into the city of our hearts.

So sometimes it's not a healthy thing to spiral down and down into even deeper levels of introspection. Some things should be examined once and then tossed aside, becuase we don't want to own every emotion that comes our way. If you have a Trojan Horse sitting outside the gates of your heart, leave it alone...or set fire to it.

The hatred of homework

Hey all you faithful followers in blogger land

I have to begin doing More homework than has ever been done before by any man in history because I was dumb enough to procrastinate. sooo, blogging may or may not slow down for a while. which is too bad because some of my most creative stuff comes when I should be doing other stuff. We'll see.

On an interesting side note I have read 11 books so far this year, which puts me over half-way towards my goal of 20 books in a year. Doing some quick math suggests that I am ahead of schedule, and that's good.

speaking of reading. For those of you looking forward to the Posthumous release of Robert Jordan's final installment in the WOT series (and who isn't) I just read that the ghost writer finishing the book has written over 440,000 words, it is scheduled for release in August, and he suspects that it will be almost 750,000 words in length. In case you were wondering how long that is, the average novel usually amounts to 80,000-120,000 words. The Great Gatsby is about 50,000. Fun times.

Hard Times

So in these hard economic times we should always be looking for opportunities to save money. One good way to do that is to make at home things that we used to only buy in the store. Here's a good place to start

Fritos claim to have three ingredients.



The process is a bit of a mystery to me still but with a little trial and error I think we can figure it out. As soon as someone figures it out will you please let the rest of us know? Thanks

Not Larry (The Drive)

Chevalier

I'll admit right now that this idea is ripped off and I don't remember from whom. So imagine a citation here.

Part of "The Drive" is to be something that you are not. And those of us in my generation think this is the worst sin imaginable. They say "don't let the man keep you down, believe in yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else says" Well they are morons and probably watch a lot of American Idol.

But wanting to grow into something you aren't yet isn't a bad thing. I could want to be like Larry Crabb and write great books that help a lot of people. Or I could try to be more like people I actually know. I could try to be like my professor, Tim Herrman, who is one of the most sincere and compassionate people I know. Or I could try to be faithful and determined like Sam from Lord of the Rings.* And doesn't being a "Christian" mean being a "Little Christ?"

So I'm not arguing against trying to better yourself. Having good role models and admiring qualities that honor God is a good thing. But I often times find myself beat down when comparing myself to others. Try as I might I'm just not going to be the next Larry Crabb, the next Tim Herrman, or even the next Samwise Gamgee.** But I think we Christians could waste our whole lives away not being people instead of being ourselves.

When I get to Heaven I think the real disappointment will not be God asking me "Why were you not Larry?" but rather "Why were you not Steve?"

What am I suggesting then? "Be comfortable with your sins"? In the words of the apostle Paul "May it Never Be!"

What then? I suggest at least owning your own strengths and weaknesses. You can make your strengths stronger and your weaknesses less weak, but you can't pick and choose them. Guilt is a sign of an impossible goal, and chosing to be another person is an impossible goal. So if your goal is to be Larry Crabb or Jim Tressel or Mighty Mouse or Moses you are going to be one guilty dude. I will not be driven by that.

*I propose that Sam is actually the protagonist of that series....discuss amongst yourselves.
**My ol' Gaffer never took much to blog writin' but I figure he's a reading this right now.

Spring Springs Again!

For those of you who have been living under a rock in a cave on Mars with your fingers in your ears I must inform you late in the game that I,the Chevalier Steven M. Danger C. Conn have been selected by nature to be "The Champion O' Spring." Several years ago I took it upon myself to perform the arduous task of announcing the first day of Spring and defending it until I finally concede to Old Man Winter sometime in late November.

There are some of you who might question this on the premise that the calendar already has a first day for spring, that nature doesn't need me to tell her how to do her job, that me claiming to be the Champion of Spring is like Justin Timberlake Single handedly taking it upon himself to bring sexy back.* Well if you are one of those people then you are a jerk and I hope that Spring turns on you and rains at the most unfortunate of times.

That being said, I declared the first day of Spring yesterday! So let it be known that yesterday, being the 15th day of the third month** on this, the two thousand and ninth year of our Lord marks the resurgence of spring! So Jack Frost and the White Witch can rot in Alaska until we need them again.

You're welcome

*I support the man in his work it can't come soon enough if you ask me.
** Otherwise known as the Idez of March

Walk it Off

I think that if we are ever going to be emotionalyl stable we've got to accept a pretty inportant fact. Life is painful. Unlike the Dread Pirate Roberts who said "Life IS pain princess, anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something," I think we can more or less enjoy life but we are going to have to pay attention to pain sometimes. Why? Is it because it's "God's Megaphopne" as C.S. Lewis calls it? Is it becuase it helps us grow? Well yes as a matter of fact it is those thigns. But it's also becuase sometimes adressing the pain is the best way to get through it.

In sports if you ever get nailed in the leg but you didn't actually break anything you are supposed to just walk it off. The fastest cure for tight and cramped muscles is to work them out a little bit. I've never seen a trainer tell anyone..."hey just lie there holding your leg and crying, it'll help." (You DO sometimes here them say "lie still," but that's the other half of this two-blog mini-sries)

Some pains are cold-hard realities. You got dumped, you experenced a death in the family, the Buckeyes somehow lost a game.* There is no denying or changing these things, and there is no way to compensate or make up for it. Once these tragedies have happened they are a permanant part of your life that still needs to be lived.**
I think the best way to make this stop hurting faster is to walk it off by exploring the pain and planning out effective ways to accomidate the change. Some issues need to be visited more than once so we can get a grasp of their magnitute and their impact. It's not about dwelling on it, and it's not about ignoring the pain, it's about feeling it hard and moving on.


*The SEC is full of cheaters
**Sometimes you can get your girlfriend back if you call her up desperately the minute her plane lands.

Wii spend

This post is really quite pointless but I wrote two today so if you don't feel like reading this (and I don't blame you) at least read the one underneath it before switching to your facebook.

When I spend money on non-necessities I try to hold this idea in my head
A good purchase yield one hour of enjoyment for every dollar spent.

So for example, buying a board game (Lost cities) that you will play over and over again is a good buy. Paying $10 to go to a 1.5 hour movie is a really bad idea.*


Ok so anyway I bought a Wii, and some games, and some controllers. It totals around $400. I was REALLY excited when I found out the wii keeps track of how much you play it. I have played mine for 116 hours, and I've realized something. Almost every game currently available for the wii is terrible. Once you've had your fun with Mario Kart you are left wondering what the kids with Xboxes are doing.

How am I going to entertain myself for another 300 hours? (especially since buying a new game puts me in another $50 hole?) I'm not sure. virtual console perhaps? Get super awesome at Wii tennis? I'm not sure. But before any of YOU rush out and buy a Wii...well, I hope you like Mario Kart a LOT.


*I understand that this system breaks down, there are exceptions, $100 for 2 minutes of skydiving= good buy, because of the memories, experience, etc...whatever don't knock the system

Walk it Off (Or Leave it Alone)

Guess what folks, I have OCD. Is this news to anyone? What this means (among other things) is that my brain never ever stops. I am always thinking about something. Running it backwards and forwards in my mind. Sometimes I rehearse conversations I'm going to have, have had, or will never have have (accepting the hiesman trophy award speech). I think about events past, future, and hypothetical. I am an insanely introspective person.

Which leads me to two conclusions.

1) There are feelings you need to revisit, explore, and try out over and over.
2) There are feelings you should ignore.

I think that most people are probably doing one or the other. Some of us turn a blind eye to whats going on inside and live the unexamined life. Others of us (me) tend to keep returning to thoughts and emotions in an effort to "investigate" or "reflect" but are honestly doing more harm than good. Some thoughts should be ignored.

I'm not saying that a person is ever truly one way or the other, but I think that most of us would say we are much better at one than the other, and when painful feelings come along we are as a rule usually going to do the same thing with it. Enter it, or avoid it. Whichever stratagey we have gotten best at is the one we are most likely to employ.

Turns out, (to no one's surprise I'm sure) there's a time for both, and I've been trying to learn how to tell the difference. There will be more on this later. In the mean time just think about which kind of person you are...and whether or not you agree with my observation so far.

death of a "dream" (the drive)

I have an announcement. But before I make it let's put a disclaimer on it. I can think of at least two readers who are going to say "WHAT? SAY IT ISN'T SO!" But read until the end.

It has always been one of my life goals to write a book. and I have decided recently that I am going to remove that from my list of goals. I am hereby giving up on the dream of writing a book.

GASP! SHOCK! AWE! I know I know. But here is why. To be honest, I don't have a great passion for writing. I have a great passion for being read. And I don't have a great passion for a job well done, I have a great passion for being recognized. And let's be honest I do NOT hear God calling me to write a book.

Some (me) might say, "But Steve, you have such insight and wisdom coupled with humor that makes it all so readable. You are doing a service to the world and using your gifts by writing a book. Don't waste your gifts! God will be sad!

Perhaps true...perhaps. But sincerity check. Lets say I had an awesome book idea and right before I wrote it pretty much the same idea came out from another author. Would I say "oh good, these people are learning this wisdom and growing in God" or would I say "Crap that jerk stole my idea?" In case you can't guess the answer it's the second one.

Also I feel this uncomfortable sense of "should." And I want to be wary of this. Sometimes god uses an uncomfortable sense of "should" to prod us in the right direction. But also lots of times we convince ourselves we "should" based on expectations that don't come from the Father.

The "should" I'm talking about makes me feel guilty when I come across a quote or source or idea that would fit well in "my book" and I'm not cataloging it. I'm guilty because I'm not working on it, and becuase I have no structure for my ideas. Writing a book out of guilt for not doing so because you are gifted and you have somehow set up an expectation for yoruself that you "should." That sounds like a good reason to undertake a project.

Does this mean I wont ever write a book? No it does not. But it does mean that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life acting like I'm in the pre-writing stages of something that is going to change the world. In another time I might just sit down and write a book, but I hope I'm able to manage doing it with a little more humility than you generally get out of Steve Conn. Why the change of heart? Because I took a look at what was driving me and decided it wasn't something that needed to be obeyed.

the wisdom of classic rock

After you read this post I want you to listen to Pink Floyd "Wish you were Here." Not because you will learn anything, but because it is a great song. Then I want you to read Romans 1. Not because it REALLY has anything to do with Pink Floyd, but because it's amazingly true how we exchange the gifts of the Lord for the gifts of man. And they are never as good. There is a lot of truth there but I'll let you find it for yourself, I'm not a Bible scholar, I'm just narcissisticly obsessed with my own words.

"Wish you were here"

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Romans 1:22

Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools

23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator— who is for ever praised. Amen.

26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.

27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worth while to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.