Full on Rant!

So sometimes when I write posts I'm trying to make a general observation about the world or about spirituality and I try to express my opinion along with biblical principles that I believe to be true. And when I discuss the Ohio State Buckeyes I am just bringing up inherent truths we all know so as to remind you.

This is not like that. This is me completely spouting unfounded opinions based on what annoys me personally. this post has no redeeming value and in order to maintain the credibility of my blog as being either amusing or thought provoking I put the disclaimer on this post that you wouldn't be missing out if you didn't read it.


When I read Les Miserable well to do citizens (not the poor ones) had two shirts, two pairs of pants, and a coat. The reason for two shirts and pants was so that you could wear them while the other one was being cleaned. And I thought to myself "that's what Heaven is going to be like."

When people buy cloths they are PAYING MONEY for a variety of things they already own. We don't do this with cars, furniture, or spouses, so why should we go it with cloths? If the garment gives you shelter from the elements and covers your shame you are good to go. Is it naive to think that I already own all the cloths I'm going to need for the rest of my life?

And people who buy cloths are buying the cloths that "society" has decided are fashionable. Not only are you spending money on things you don't need, you are buying the ones that OTHER people told you to buy! Why don't you just buy a Macbook or set $10 bills on fire? What if I showed up at your house and told you that you had to put in a particular style of carpet, and that YOU had to pay for it. This is what society is trying to do to us every day! And some people ENJOY IT!

Now, I might be coming at this from an extreme angle. It's just that I was recently taken aback when a certain girlfriend (who shall remain nameless) was explaining to me that the reason that she doesn't like to wear cloths more than once before washing them again is because they feel different. Is this true? She had a friend back her up. They claim if you wore a shirt, took it off, folded it, and put it back in the drawer, you could tell the difference when you put it on again.

I have never in my life experienced this phenomenon. Which leads me to believe that perhaps the reason I don't care about cloths is that I am suffering from tactile sensory deprivation. They also claim that socks get "baggy" after you wear them...and that this is a bad thing. Again, never heard of this.

The other year I told someone that I hated my winter coat. It's makes me look like a marshmallow, but it was a present. Then someone suggested to me that I BUY ANOTHER ONE. Now I'm not sure how much good winter coats cost but I think the answer is "more than five dollars." And you want me to buy another one? So that I would have TWO? I'm just hoping that my house eventually burns down with the coat inside it so that I will have the opportunity to get another one for LEGITIMATE reasons.

That being said, I've decided that I'm going to go as long as I possibly can without buying any new clothes starting today.*

Exceptions I will count:

Socks, underpants, and running shoes/ tennis shoes and to a lesser extent jeans are things that actually wear out. I can replace these items when that time comes, and not a moment before.

When an article of clothing becomes ruined for one reason or another (spilled paint on it, badgers ate it, etc...) or I lose a piece of clothing I might replace it.

If I take up some hobby or job that actually REQUIRES some type of clothing I will buy it (uniform/hiking boots/tuxedo/wetsuit/Oscar Meier wiener costume etc...)

Extreme novelty: Silly hats etc...

Clothing representing a group of which I am a part and it would look bad if I was the only guy who didn't buy a shirt.

I am still accepting gifts, but if you are going to buy me a winter coat check to see if it's the kind I want because I am probably going to be wearing it for the rest of my life.

*And in case you were wondering I have NOT bought any books or music since I made that other bold claim over the summer

Essays on Greatness: Part IV

Oh Why Oh Why Oh Why Oh, do you jerks hate Ohio?

Recently there has been some confusion among the geographically impaired of our country*

I have actually heard some people speak out against the great state that is Ohio. Now of course those of you liberally minded folks who like to play devil's advocate might like to point out that through a loop-hole known as the "constitution" this is technically legal in 49 states. But it is also legal to drink radiator fluid yet so seldom do I run across that in my daily life.

For some reason, anti-Ohio heresies (from here by referred to as "hate-speak") has been uttered in my hearing several times this year. This hate-speak can often be heard coming in a garbled fashion from an unfortunate and ignorant person who either is considering giving up on life, doesn't know how to read a map, doesn't know how to watch college football, or doesn't have a very good mastery of the English language. I believe that This Video is an accurate representation of the majority of people that don't understand Ohio

And I heart goes out to those people. Especially those that do not speak English. It is difficult enough to get by in a country where you don't speak the language without being confused for a Michigan fan. Americans are so terrible some times.

But some people actually understand and BELIEVE what they are saying when they Criticize THE Ohio State Buckeyes. And that's kinda scary. With people like that in our country it makes you wonder if it was really a good idea to let them govern themselves in a Democracy. And I guess that's just the sort of stuff that Ohio is willing to put up with in order to ensure the freedoms that we continue to provide for the rest of the states on a continual basis.

At first it made me think that some of these people who "prefer" other teams didn't know that Jim Tressel occasionally lets the other team reach the end-zone more often because it's good for the economy and it's good for the NCAA in general. But if such were the case it would mean that these "fans" had no idea how college sports worked at all. Honestly being a fan and not understanding how it works is like voting for president without knowing what country you're from. And to tell you the truth, I bet a lot of people are going to do this in November.

But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming that these people are just envious. The most envious, of course, are Michigan and Florida, but they are in total denial. I had a talk the other day with my good friend Sigmund Freud and he agreed with me. His theory was long and detailed and contained some rather adult language. A man named Oedipus was mentioned repeatedly. But in the end you can't argue with the father of psychotherapy. I mean, can it really be coincidence that the states that have been most antagonistic towards Ohio are compensating for something with large peninsulas?

* Geographically impaired: Adjective-regularly ascribed to one who is not from Ohio, or Noun-one who is not from Ohio.

sandpaper

Y0u know what Christians are ironically great at? Feeling guilty. On the one hand it makes sense because our religion makes us terribly aware of just how far we've fallen. It's kinda the point of the law. But at the same time it's odd because we firmly believe that we are the only people in the entire world that are forgiven, and going to Heaven. Yet we spend a lot of time feeling guilty.

Guilt isn't all bad. People will not undergo the pain of change unless the pain of staying the same is greater. So guilt is a motivation for change in our Christian lives. But I think it's overused.

The reason this comes to mind is that I was frustrated with the fact that I'm a "bad Christian." I don't care about other people as much as I should, I'm not as humble as other people, I'm not as nice as other people, I don't get into the Bible as much as some other guys that I know and I'm certainly not as enthusiastic for anything that involves "volunteering." The words "Service project" makes me suddenly find reasons to be very busy, and I generally leave church services immediately upon being dismissed.

It's so easy to compare myself to others who do better than me at aspects of their Christian walk. And I guess that's where guilt as a change agent can be useful. But honestly I think it's overdone. It's true that we SHOULD all improve as much as possible to be the best we can be, but to be honest I think the process is more important than the product.

To say that God doesn't care how much we sin is to take this idea too far and put words in my mouth (which is already full of Frito's, so don't try). As Paul would say "[mae ganoita]" (which translates roughly to "may it never be."*) No, I think God cares very much when we sin. But since trying to earn you way into his grace is like trying to cut down a red-wood with a piece of sand-paper I'm thinking that instead of being upset with the DEGREE of our failure he might be more interested in how earnestly we sought him and how we discovered him while we were failing.

So while I spend all day being sad that my sand-paper isn't course enough, God cuts down the tree with a chainsaw and invites everyone to come inside and have dinner with him. And if this makes you view God as a huge lumberjack...we'll that's kinda funny.



*It REALLY translates to "Hell no" but you know...Paul was a bit of a potty mouth

Under Pressure

Please listen to the Queen song "Under pressure" whilst reading this entry. It's a good song, and yes, it does have the same beat as Ice ice baby, but "Vanilla" claims that he didn't rip it off. He maintains that there is subtle difference. I don't hear it.

But anyway, I write now to reflect on my lack of reflection. I'm so busy right now that it seems that I haven't had time to write on my blog (and unfortunately this might become an increasingly common trend for the duration of this semester).

But when I do get a few minutes I sit down and try to think of something meaningful or humorous to report I draw a blank. I think that I'm not actually too busy to spend 20 minutes writing, but I AM making myself too busy to process what's happening in my life in a meaningful way. I feel that because of the amount of reading, learning, working, and questioning that a student activities coordinator/ full time grad-student does, I am nothing more than a battle ground on which ideas contend. I would much rather be a soil for ideas to grow.

Some guy smarter and more respected than I once said "Abraham Lincoln was an extremely deep man because he read so little." Meaning that Abe didn't have many ideas taking up space in his head. He spent a lot of time internalizing and exploring a few concepts that were important to him.

If I want to be like that maybe I should get into this whole "Sabbath" thing. I heard that God recommends it.

For your consideration

Although my opinion on this topic might be evident, don't think that I'm preaching to you here, this is actually a question "for your consideration."

But I had a talk with a guy the other day who said that to take care of your body was a Godly thing to do. Ok, I'm with you so far. But I've heard people (usually men) say that staying in good shape by running and staying thin are things that are expected of you as a Christian. In fact they can go so far as to say "I expect my wife to stay in shape and to exercise." None of the men I have ever heard say this have been married, and actually I don't think any of them had girlfriends either. Of course they always follow up with "I expect to stay in shape myself; I'm not holder her to a higher standard.

1 Cor: 6:19 tells us that our body is a temple of God. But people debate what this means. Some say you can't drink, smoke, or get tattoos. Some say you have to work out. Fitness as a Christian virtue.

Possibly...and I bet many of you have heard this argument before. but here's the little kicker observation I have for you. I have never heard ANYONE say this unless they were already the kind of person who is very fit and works out. This is a popular opinion among wash-board abbed single men, possibly on the track team.

Doesn't make it wrong. But you hear people speak of their struggle with lust or pride. People talk about their struggle with believing lies about their self-worth (body image, defining themselves in things apart from God, etc...). People talk about their struggle with jealousy or possessiveness. I have never heard anyone talk about their struggle with weight as a spiritual issue. Only people who are doing well at it regard it as a "Godly or Biblical principle"

But maybe the blame isn't on them. Maybe they are actually right and those of us who buy "loose fit" jeans don't want to admit that something like food and our sedentary life-style could actually be considered sinful. We call thoughts like that "legalistic" (and there is NOTHING Christians hate more than legalism).

People in outrageous credit card debt rarely talk about poor money management being a spiritual issue, but since most of us don't live like that we have no problem calling it out.

And yet, I've seen some un-Christ-like attitudes from the "healthy" that I think stem directly from this belief.*

I'm not passing judgement here...YOU pass judgement. But just so you all know how I roll until I'm convinced otherwise (and I'm open to that): if my wife is gonna carry my children she can get as fat as she wants, as long as she doesn't judge me for "going to seed" myself.


*I'm not talking about you Eric, although we did have a conversation about this.

Stuff Girls Like III: Engagements

Whoa don't get me wrong, it makes a lot of sense for a girl to be excited about her engagement. In fact, I'm suspecting that if I somehow find myself engaged one day, I'll probably be pretty excited. Though I hope I'm not surprised by it.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact the engagement of two people slightly tangential to your life deciding to spend the rest of THEIR lives together is cause for YOU to celebrate. And if you don't think so, you don't believe in love.

Now it is, of course, more exciting if you KNOW the people engaged, and it's MOST exciting when they are two fictional characters on a highly rated prime time show on NBC. I know this for a fact because I spent about ten minutes quizzing two girls on the best engagements ever. Pam and Jim rank above everything except room-mates and immediate family.

But even when you aren't fortunate enough to know the people getting engaged, you can still be excited. Because people you don't know deciding to spend their lives together is as exciting finding out that Michigan lost a football game.

Sometimes when Cortney is having a bad day I simply make up people and tell her they are engaged.

"Guess what honey? Galvin Gunhold and Susanne Deetz just got engaged!"

"Oh, that's so fun! Are we going to the wedding? Can we walk there?"

Buffalo buffalo...

It has been submitted to me by a reader (whom I have not seen in three years) that "Buffalo" was a disappointing entry name because it in no way pertained to the fact that one can write an entire sentence using only the word Buffalo. Well Chris, here you go.

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

Believe it or not folks, this sentence is grammatically correct. It has been discussed by linguist buffs with entirely too much time on their hands since an William J. Rapaport, an associate English professor from the city of Buffalo, first used it in 1972.*

It takes advantage of the fact that the word Buffalo is

1) a noun (the animal) which is spelled the same whether singular or plural
2) A proper noun, Buffalo New York
3) A verb meaning, to bully or to intimidate.

This sentence, although correct reads awkwardly because it does not make any use of articles or determiners.

Lets see what happens when we put them back in

Buffalo buffalo that Buffalo buffalo buffalo also buffalo buffalo

or more specifically

Buffalo from Buffalo, that are buffaloed by buffalo from Buffalo, also buffalo buffalo from Buffalo

Now I will replace the city of Buffalo with "Upland" and the animal buffalo with "people" and the verb buffalo with "bully"

People from upland, that are bulled by other people in upland, still bully yet OTHER people in upland themselves.

In essence, these buffalo are total jerks. Even though these other bully buffalo are picking on them, they spin right around and pick on other dumber, smaller buffalo. My question is, are all buffalo total butt wipes or is there something particularly venomous about the ones that hail from Buffalo?

Thank you Chris for your astute observation, and screw you English language for being so freaking complicated. You wonder why immigrants haven't learned English yet? Cause Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.



*I am not making this up