I know that men sometimes to stupid things like ask their wives to pepper spray them or eat acorns. As men, sometimes we invite negative physical experiences because we wish to prove how tough we are or because we are idiots.
Women, on the other hand, seem to find it fun to invite the negative emotional experience of fear. There is nothing that girls like more than being afraid of things that aren’t actually scary. Let me explain.
Girls will go to great lengths to muster up a feeling of fear in a very contrived environment. They will gather all their closest, most timid friends and rent “scary movies” in which poor helpless girls are isolated and terrorized by monsters or (the most terrifying enemy) men. Girls love to watch other girls in frighteningly compromising situations. “Oh know, that creeper is behind her and she broke a heel. What if she can’t run?” They will even go to great lengths to enhance the mood of terror and paranoia. “Hey, lets turn our the lights! Let’s watch a movie on Friday the 13th! Let’s invite Amanda, she always freaks out the most! Lets cut the phone line! How about we leave our headlights on so our car is dead if we have to make a getaway! Why done we leave all the doors unlocked and leave our address and a picture of us at a bar so maybe some drunk guys will come looking for us with malicious intentions while we are all sleeping!
My Wife and her friends like to go geo-caching. Which, if you don’t know, means using a GPS to look for a treasure that someone else has hid. The coordinates of these treasures are posted on the internet so other people can find the treasure It’s a fun little game. Except when Cortney and her friends are doing it, it’s not about the treasure. It’s about the fear. They only go at night and they only go to treasures that are buried either in the woods or in a cemetery.
Of course, they also need a man to go. Because without a man they are too scared to get out of the car and poke around the backwoods of Indiana by themselves. These nights are still fun though because they involve driving back in forth in front of a “creepy” road and saying “this time we’re gonna do it. This time we’re gonna go out there.” You can do that for at least 30 minutes before it’s gets boring and it’s time to go back to starbucks.
Being the man on this kind of trip requires caution and a delicate balance. Without my presence the girls can’t get out of the car. But if I go out of my way to make things TOO safe by saying ridiculous things like “I don’t think that’s an axe murderer, I think that’s just the guy who lives here” or “no, I’m pretty sure there isn’t much violent crime in this county” they will roll their eyes and tell me I’m ruining it for everyone. I am “no fun” and they wonder why they brought me. Of course, when I get bored of wandering around in the dark, they all follow me back into the car.
And then there is the haunted house. Girls love haunted houses because it gives them a chance to scream, it is scary, people threaten them and creepy masked strangers get to touch them in the dark.* They will wait in line to pay money for this experience.
As you can see, I have conclusively proven that Girls like to be scared, Cortney especially. But we don’t have enough money to hire strangers and professionals to scare her all the time. So I have decided that this month I’m going to have some “do it yourself” scares in my house. If you really want to make that special woman in your life feel extra special, scare the crap out of her with some of these simple, at home, do it yourself scares.
1) Get up in the middle of the night and open the front door and go back to bed. She’ll find it in the morning. This works best if you live in a sketchy neighborhood
2) Bring a live rodent in your house.
3) Ask a buddy to prowl around in your house while you’re asleep and make a lot of noise. For extra effect, have him steal all the pictures of your wife (he’ll give them back later).
4) Here’s an easy one—take advantage of nature. A good thunderstorm or Tornado warning can really bring home the family fun if you take advantage of it.
5) Try setting off your smoke alarm at night.
6) If she’s ever home alone, call from an unknown number and breath heavily into the phone whenever she picks up. Girls love to watch movies where this happens.
It’s not about WHAT you do, it’s about the fact that you care enough to try. Girls LOVE being scared, so go out there and show her you love her. I guarantee you that every single on of these things is more fun than geocaching with people who won’t get out of the car.
*No innuendo intended.
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