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Hey Friends

So I get a lot of feedback about my blog. Sometimes people say things like "hey Steve, I really liked that one post about the mini. Why haven't you written anything that funny the past couple of years." Or else they will say "Hey Steve, your spelling errors and typos are embarrassing. Seriously, it's painful."

And that's lead me to believe that my readers are loyal fans that have stuck with me over the years no matter how bad my spelling or how long my absences are. And I thought..."wow...that's weird." But I'm going to operate under the assumption that if you are reading my blog right now, there is a good chance that you actually like reading my blog. That's why I've gone back and categorized some of my favorite entries into an easy to find format. So that all readers, new, and old, can enjoy some of my best posts. (Or, actually, maybe the reason I did it was because I realized that I had posted some things twice, that I couldn't find stuff I was looking for, and that the reason I started a blog in the first place was to keep track of my thoughts, and that's kinda impossible if there is no system.)

Well whatever.

At the bottom of this post I've included some "labels." If you click on the labels they will take you to all my previous posts that have the same labels on them. So for example, all of my favorite "serious" posts are under the label "thoughtful."
All my favorite funny posts are labeled under "classic"

I felt a little presumptuous labeling stuff as "classic" and about half-way through I decided that was stupid, and that I was going to change it. But by that point...I was already half way through. And there was no way I was going back.

A smarter person would figure out a way to post all of these "labels" somewhere permanently. But you are reading my blog, so for now, if you want to find your favorite post, you are going to have to click around through the labels at the bottom. Hope you enjoy!

P.S. There has been some conversation about going back and fixing spelling errors and typos. I think I'm actually going to work on that some, but it's going to take a while, Rome wasn't built in a day...Though I doubt you could compare my Blog to Rome. Few cities though, no matter how small and crappy, were ever built in a day.

Stuff Girls Like: Being Scared

I know that men sometimes to stupid things like ask their wives to pepper spray them or eat acorns. As men, sometimes we invite negative physical experiences because we wish to prove how tough we are or because we are idiots.

Women, on the other hand, seem to find it fun to invite the negative emotional experience of fear. There is nothing that girls like more than being afraid of things that aren’t actually scary. Let me explain.

Girls will go to great lengths to muster up a feeling of fear in a very contrived environment. They will gather all their closest, most timid friends and rent “scary movies” in which poor helpless girls are isolated and terrorized by monsters or (the most terrifying enemy) men. Girls love to watch other girls in frighteningly compromising situations. “Oh know, that creeper is behind her and she broke a heel. What if she can’t run?” They will even go to great lengths to enhance the mood of terror and paranoia. “Hey, lets turn our the lights! Let’s watch a movie on Friday the 13th! Let’s invite Amanda, she always freaks out the most! Lets cut the phone line! How about we leave our headlights on so our car is dead if we have to make a getaway! Why done we leave all the doors unlocked and leave our address and a picture of us at a bar so maybe some drunk guys will come looking for us with malicious intentions while we are all sleeping!

My Wife and her friends like to go geo-caching. Which, if you don’t know, means using a GPS to look for a treasure that someone else has hid. The coordinates of these treasures are posted on the internet so other people can find the treasure It’s a fun little game. Except when Cortney and her friends are doing it, it’s not about the treasure. It’s about the fear. They only go at night and they only go to treasures that are buried either in the woods or in a cemetery.

Of course, they also need a man to go. Because without a man they are too scared to get out of the car and poke around the backwoods of Indiana by themselves. These nights are still fun though because they involve driving back in forth in front of a “creepy” road and saying “this time we’re gonna do it. This time we’re gonna go out there.” You can do that for at least 30 minutes before it’s gets boring and it’s time to go back to starbucks.

Being the man on this kind of trip requires caution and a delicate balance. Without my presence the girls can’t get out of the car. But if I go out of my way to make things TOO safe by saying ridiculous things like “I don’t think that’s an axe murderer, I think that’s just the guy who lives here” or “no, I’m pretty sure there isn’t much violent crime in this county” they will roll their eyes and tell me I’m ruining it for everyone. I am “no fun” and they wonder why they brought me. Of course, when I get bored of wandering around in the dark, they all follow me back into the car.

And then there is the haunted house. Girls love haunted houses because it gives them a chance to scream, it is scary, people threaten them and creepy masked strangers get to touch them in the dark.* They will wait in line to pay money for this experience.

As you can see, I have conclusively proven that Girls like to be scared, Cortney especially. But we don’t have enough money to hire strangers and professionals to scare her all the time. So I have decided that this month I’m going to have some “do it yourself” scares in my house. If you really want to make that special woman in your life feel extra special, scare the crap out of her with some of these simple, at home, do it yourself scares.

1) Get up in the middle of the night and open the front door and go back to bed. She’ll find it in the morning. This works best if you live in a sketchy neighborhood

2) Bring a live rodent in your house.

3) Ask a buddy to prowl around in your house while you’re asleep and make a lot of noise. For extra effect, have him steal all the pictures of your wife (he’ll give them back later).

4) Here’s an easy one—take advantage of nature. A good thunderstorm or Tornado warning can really bring home the family fun if you take advantage of it.

5) Try setting off your smoke alarm at night.

6) If she’s ever home alone, call from an unknown number and breath heavily into the phone whenever she picks up. Girls love to watch movies where this happens.

It’s not about WHAT you do, it’s about the fact that you care enough to try. Girls LOVE being scared, so go out there and show her you love her. I guarantee you that every single on of these things is more fun than geocaching with people who won’t get out of the car.

*No innuendo intended.

Essays on Greatness part IV

Friends, in case you have been living under a rock, in a cave, on Mars, you may not know that The Ohio State Buckeyes have recently been ranked #1 by the associated press, the USA today, Ryan Seacrest, Bill gates, and the pope.

Now, some might consider this a meaningless exercise, because the Buckeyes would, in truth, BE the number one team in the country regardless of arbitrary rankings. That's sort of like saying the united nations got together and decided that water was wet, or that Jar Jar Binks was annoying.

But I guess this is a good thing because at least it demonstrates that most of the people involved in college football rankings are in touch with reality. There have been several instances in the past in which people used the outcome of various games to support their wild ideas about Florida and USC actually being college football champions a few years back. In fact, I have taken the liberty of correcting the Wikipedia page that seemed to randomly assign championships to teams that were actually ineligible to win.*

Some people are not accepting of the fact that most of our opportunities in life are due to socioeconomic factors including race, income, level of our parents' college education, and where and when we are born. Surprisingly, it seems that most people are even less accepting of the equally true fact that even more of our daily activities are actually dictated at a much higher level by Jim Tressel. Coach Tressel's influence extends far beyond the football fields and you can thank him for most of the things that are right with America right now. Just a few things Jim has been working on lately include

1) Sunshine
2) The Office
3) Taking "Wanda Sikes at Large" off the air
4) Judge Judy
5) the 5 day work week
6) emancipation
7) Gravity.

Coach Tressel was sick once a few years back and missed a day at work. The current economic situation and the oil spill near the Gulf are both symptoms.

So please, next time someone tells you that the Buckeyes are overrated, or that Oregon should really be number one, don't argue with them. Just smile and nod and let him go on thinking whatever he wants. He may wish to tell you that the sun orbits around the moon or that in his personal opinion, Alaska should be warmer. It doesn't make much difference. Just be glad that we currently live in a world where the Buckeyes are hear to save us from ourselves on a weekly basis.

*approximately 119 teams are ineligible to be national champion ever year due to violation of NCAA rules about being the Ohio State Buckeyes. And, by the way, I am not making this up, the first such instance is a split decision between Princton and Rutgers in 1869. Both teams were 1-1. Yes that's right, two teams played ONE GAME, tied, and were both declared the national champion.

Pepper Spray

So I am back in Texas with my new wife and my new job. To be honest I'm more excited about the wife part. Our wedding was great and so was our honeymoon. I'd like to tell you all about them but the thing is, I have so many thoughts and emotions on the topic, I would have no way of breaking any of it down into coherent posts of an acceptable length. It's like there's a party in my head and everyone there has had way too much caffeine and lady Gaga is about to perform live in my cerebellum.

So we are going to have to wait until the contents settle a little bit before I can reflect on all of these experiences. And if you EVER expect me to talk about the tragic events that transpired in the NBA involving the king of Ohio then you are going to be disappointed because I JUST can't talk about it.

Instead I want to tell you about the time my wife pepper sprayed me.

Cortney and I had recently returned to Chicago and she found her pepper spray key chain that someone paranoid had given her as a gift. Now I had been asking her for a year if she wanted to pepper spray me because I kinda want to know how bad it would hurt, I wanted to have a really funny story, and because I wanted to show off and impress Cortney with my bravery and toughness.

Girls are never impressed by the right things.

Her brother was in the room as well and he used to be in the marines, he said "oh yeah I did that once. You wanna spray me too?" And Cort said..."yeah"

So amidst the violent protests of her mother, Cortney lead me and her brother Corey outside and sprayed us both in the face.

3 times.

For those of you who didn't know. Pepper spray does not begin working immediately. In fact you feel almost nothing the second it hits your skin. If this ever happens to you don't say "I don't think it's working, try it again. This time make sure you get it in my eye." You also probably shouldn't try to rub it all over your face just to make sure you got a "healthy dose."

Friends, let me tell you about a world of hurt. I've never given birth to a baby before, but I imagine that this is what it would feel like if you gave birth with your face, and the baby was make of paper cuts, sand-paper, and fire, and was liberally chucking little baby fist fulls of salt at your burning eyes every 3 seconds.

Then the burning REALLY started going.

As I lay in the fetal position crying, I wondered if Cortney was impressed by my bravery and toughness. She sounded more amused than impressed, and her mother sounded a bit annoyed. I'm sure that's just the way they respond to something too awesome for words.

After about 30 minutes I was able to open my eyes a little, and after 40 minutes the burning had almost subsided. In the resulting conversation my mother in law stated that she can't think of any pain worse than getting a paper cut in that skin between your fingers.

I disagree.

Was it all worth it? Do it yourself to find out.

A New Home

Greetings again from the Great Nation of Texas! I want you all to know that if the sun goes out in the next few years, don't worry, Texas is hot enough to heat all of your homes for the next decade until we get the situation figured out.

Many of you have been asking, "Steve, you seem to really be taking to Texas. How does that coincide with your love for Ohio? Do you think that you will love Texas more than Ohio? Will you become a Longhorns fan or root for Texas A&M? Will you forget how to read if you move to the "south?" Are you getting enough liquids?"

All these are good questions. And I must admit, I do like it down here. I think that the Nation of Texas has wooed me like so few other semi-independent city states could. I mean, don't you think I would fall in love with a state whose state food was Chili?*

Also The Constitution of 1845, which was the resolution that allowed Texas into the Union, stated that Texas had the right to divide into 4 states in addition to the original Texas. That legal right still remains true.** If you have been paying any attention to the reorganization of college football these past few weeks you would realize that Texas might actually take advantage of this state right so it can be represented 5 times in the "big" 12. Or as it will then be known the "Texas Twelve"

But even though I am really beginning to love this quasi-Mexican playground for guns and pick-up trucks I cannot ever give up my love for the one and only. Ohio will always remain number one in my heart. It will also always remain number two in my heart, just so Texas doesn't get cocky. The general area that is called the Midwest comes in at a close 3rd because it contains the birthplaces of Cortney, both my sisters, both my parents, as well Taylor University, and of course, most importantly Ohio.

As you can see below, I have recolored this collection of states to more clearly represent how I now understand America.
(click to enlarge, seriously)



As you can see I am most concerned with Ohio and Texas (as should you be) and the other 46 states*** I consider "other" because all though I am sure they are all great, in their own way, well...you know how I feel.

Texas Fact: Texas is home to more presidents named George Bush than any other State (Two).

Ohio "Fact": Ohio invented Democracy, electricity, chocolate, paid vacations, seafaring, animal husbandry, the civil rights act of 1957, and shamwow

If you are new to my blog and would like to know more about my thoughts on Ohio, just click the "ohio" tag on the bottom of this post.

*I am not making this up
**I'm not making this up either
***You heard me

Maslow

For those of you who didn't know, I was a psychology major in undergrad. Having a bachelors degree in psychology means that I am an expert in all things psychological and that if I ever offer you advice it is as if a licensed clinical counselor just gave you treatment. And most of the time I don't even charge.

As an authority in the psychological realm I would like to educate you on a little something called "Maslow's hierarchy of needs." This is a model proposed by Abe Maslow, that pretty much says that some needs are more important, and more urgent than other needs. He ranked these needs and put them in a little pyramid so it would be easier for the freshmen to memorize.



As you can see, the basic stuff is on the bottom, and the stuff we student development professionals focus on are at the top. The theory is that people need to have their needs met in order. So trying to bolster the self esteem of a person who is quite literally starving to death will be ineffective and is pretty much just going to make you look like a jerk.*

Well, since I am a specialist, I would like to make an important addition to this model, and I am completely qualified to do so, so look for it in the new textbooks coming out this fall**

I've been walking around in Washington D.C. the last few days and I have determined that "going to the bathroom" is the most basic (and important) need there is.

Why is that you ask? Because when you need to go, there is NOTHING in the world that matters. My house could be on fire and if I really needed to use the restroom I would probably stop to do my business before I ran out. And you would too. Conversely, if you have really had to go to the bathroom and you get the chance to, nothing can get you down for at least a minute. A man seeing an oasis in a desert is not as happy as a girl on a bus who sees a rest area.

So next time you are in a major city, where none of the businesses have customer rest-rooms and you have to walk 7 miles to get to the train to take you to a place where you can walk 2 miles back the way you came... think about Maslow, and how he apparently has never been in your shoes.

*Christian missionaries are getting better at this. People's hearts are more receptive to the gospel when they aren't worried about whether or not they will eat that week.

**It's the only thing they changed in the old textbook, except the pages are in a different order and they are glossier...also there are more pictures of ethnic minorities. The new text is $119 and required for class.

Acorns

Friends, I just ate an Acorn.

I was outside on Huntington's beautiful campus and the ground beneath my feat was littered with acorns, or as I like to call them, "nature's tootsie rolls." I thought to myself "If I was a squirrel, I would be so pumped right now. There is food everywhere!" And then I wondered why squirrels get all the easy breaks. I want copious amounts of free snacks whenever I walk past Beth Hale's apartment, and since I'm a white man in America I am used to getting what I want.

So I put one in my mouth and tried to keep walking all nonchalantly. Because if anyone saw me doing it I wouldn't want to look too chalant. I crack it open with my teeth and go after the "meat" inside. And you know what I learned?

I learned that there is a reason man does not eat acorns. Evolutionary psychology states that if something tastes like a sweaty guy peed in a shell and threw it in the mud, you should not eat that thing (Ohman, Mineka, 2001).

After spitting for a while a resolved that if this "nut" or "devil-spawn" was not poisonous I would master its ways and learn to enjoy it so I could impress my friends and make them jealous as I effortlessly snacked on nature while they stood by watching like hungry cavemen unable to harness the environment to feed themselves.

Turns out they ARE poisonous. The Tome of All Knowledge and Josh Wymore's most commonly visited website told me so. But painstaking and time consuming processes can remove the poison (tannin) from the Acorn to make it an edible food. The Native Americans (or First people) ate them regularly and it was a staple in their diet. It is exactly this kind of ingenuity that allowed them to find America first.

All that to say, I probably wouldn't have been hungry enough to start eating acorns today if I hadn't eaten a stupid SALAD for dinner. I thought eating a salad would be as good as real food, but like a guy taking his cousin to prom, I found out that sometimes you're just lying to yourself.

So next time you are out on a beautiful day like today and you happen across a cache of delicious looking acorns, remember this story and the lesson we've learned. Don't eat salads.

This story is 100% true.

Ohman, A.; Mineka, S. (2001). "Fears, phobias, and preparedness: Toward an evolved module of fear and fear learning" (PDF). Psychological Review 108 (3): 483–522. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.108.3.483. Retrieved 2008-06-16.

Adventures in no man's land

Hello all. I've had some interesting thoughts and discussion about "calling" on my last post. I think that I should return to that topic in the very near future (and I think I shall) but before I do that let me just tell you something.

If you have never registered for a wedding before, you are in for an experience. cortney and I went to Target the other day and the people there said "here is a price gun. Go knock yourself out." That's how it should work.

Then we went to Bed Bath and Beyond. Friends, let me tell you something....whoa.
First of all, I told Cortney that she should be in charge of the Bed and Bath and I would take care of anything that was beyond. I was hoping that meant things like garage or office or Alpha Centauri . But instead, it actually meant "Bed, Bathroom, Kitchen, and crap you don't need."

When we arrived at the store Cortney and I approached the desk like FOOLS, thinking that it would be a simple process. Instead we were ushered to a lavishly decorated corner full of $fine$ china. There we were greeted and congratualted by some very friendly people that wanted to know everything about us, and who wanted to put everything about us in writing*

After the interview (which I was assured was for our benefit) Nicole (our shopping consultant) offered to take us around the store herself to point out things we need and things we REALLY need.

This was a great bonding moment for me and Cortney. Because we said "NO" and we began wandering around by ourselves in a land of opulence and consumerism we could only hope others could afford for us. As much as you would expect me to hate this we actually had a REALLY fun time, until Cortney hit a blood-sugar shortage and started telling me she needed a snack. This is my cue to start being REALLY nice to her.**

We then brought our selections back to Nicole who went through the list item by item to make sure we didn't miss anything (What would we have done without her?).

But let me cut to the chase for you all and tell you about my newest scheme. When you register of obscene amounts of merchandise they will GIVE you FREE merchandise. Don't think this is a great deal? Listen to this. If you register for $300 of silverware, you get one utensil of your choice for free! (that's one fork). If you register for $800 of fancy knives, you get...another knife!

Now here's the catch. You don't actually have to BUY anything. You just register for stuff. So. Cortney and I are going into full time business registering at BB&B across the nation under different Aliases. Oh yes that's right my friends, they don't check your ID. Forget wedding presents, we are going to furnish our entire home with the free benefits of registering!

Also, just for the record. Cortney has been AMAZING and so fun and easy to deal with through the wedding process. No stress. If I didn't already love her, I would now.


*Met in college, engaged for one year, know each other's friends, graduate student...short, possibly think he's funnier than he is. Bride seems to enjoy Disney channel and folding laundry...Groom looks annoyed, not sure why...
**It's a system we've worked out. Relationships are wonderful

Vegetables

No human man could get away with inventing something as stupid as the vegetable. God must apparently have a plan for them, but I don't know what it is, because it certainly doesn't involve eating.

Today I ate an entire bag of frozen stir fry vegetables. Why? Because I'm trying to be healthy and because I got it for free out of my mom's freezer when we moved out. 5 servings of vegetables--125 calories.

125!? You would need over fifteen bags of vegetables to meet the recommended caloric intake every day! This is why so many people DIED foraging for food in the wild before they learned how to sharped a spear. If you are starving in the wild you could stumble upon an entire vegetable GARDEN and you would STILL be screwed because there isn't enough food in a bag of carrots to keep you alive long enough to finish eating them. On an episode of LOST this woman starts planting avegetable garden. If I were on that island I would tell her "Stop wasting your time screwing around here in the dirt...unless you are looking for worms to eat. If you are looking for worms then keep doing it becuase that's helpful. If you're planting vegetables you should probably start looking for worms instead, or learn how to grow a freaking twinki."

That...AND they taste like DEATH. I force fed myself 5 servings of some watery plant crap and was about to congratulate myself on a dirty job well done when I realized I had actually eaten the equivalent of 1/16 lb of hamburger. That's like going to work all day for a dime. Also the dime burns in your pocket and gives you a rash.

If you eat food all day people will call you a glutton. If you eat vegetables all day they will call you anorexic. So next time you are eating water and cell walls disguised as a food group, do yourself a favor and put the fork down because you are just wasting your time.

Stuff girls Like VI: Hating their hair

Now I've never been a woman. Not even once. But I've been related to several of them and I've gone to school with many many more. I've even dated some. And I've learned something. Girls (not necessarily women) are in a near constant state of wanting their hair to be in some way different from what it is.

The most notable example for this observation comes in the form of length. Girls will spend literally an entire year growing their hair longer, complaining all the time that they have split ends but not daring to get it cut because that would just prolong the process of obtaining the ultimate goal: long hair.

This long hair is often times considered beautiful by men and women alike but is reportedly inconvenient to girls. So after spending a year growing it out girls will decide "It's time for a change."

Fortunately for girls they have figured out a way to avoid the midlife crisis by channeling all that need for excitement and change into attacking their hair. The imagine that cutting off the foot of hair they have spent a year cultivating will bring about a shocking transformation in their life that no one will fail to notice and appreciate.

Despite the fact that every girl does this like clockwork it is the responsibility of every other individual to act completely surprised. "Oh dear goodness what have you done with all your hair? It's so short...its so....CUTE!"

An instant boost of confidence follows the cutting of the hair because it says "I'm bold, I'm out there, I'm unpredictable, and above all, I'm cute." But this temporary high lasts only as long as it takes for said girl to see a picture of herself when she had long hair.

"Oh I miss my hair, why did I cut it all off?"

And so the cycle continues; or as we would say in the hair world. Lather rinse repeat.

For girls the search for the perfect hair is continuous quest that is never satisfied. However it is the job of men to pretend that the quest for perfect hair is in the constant state of total fulfillment.

"Your hair is so long/short, it's completely perfect!"

Stuff Girls Like: Babies

It's been a while since we've had one of these but I got a suggestion from a reader.
My friend Brad recnetly went on a study abroad trip to Ethiopia where he was struck by an realization. Here then is our first guest entry.

I have found that nothing will make a girl's heart melt like a tiny dependent life form that cries incessantly and poops itself. They say they’re “cute.” This defies all logic, yet it is universally true. I was thinking how if you were to wake a girl four times during the night by screaming at her, crap in your pants, and puke on her when she got close to you, the last adjective she would consider using is “cute.” I see some glaring inconsistencies here.
I have always know this to be true, but I was surprised to discover during my travels that there is something girls like even more than babies, and it is this: African babies. We practically had to do a baggage search to uncover all of the Ethiopian infants the females on our lighthouse trip wanted to smuggle back to America.

You make a good point Brad. If you've read previous posts you would know that girls love babies because they are smaller versions of real people. A point of interst, girls often times like really old people too, which are similar to babies becuase they are small, they have no teeth, are incoherrent, wear diapers, drool, and can't walk. single guys take note of these similariaties and perhaps you will be cute one day too.

Stuff Girls Like: Cute

As you all know, if a word is overused out of context it begins to lose all meaning. However, girls have somehow figured out a way to use the word "cute" to describe everything in the world that they like and still retain the essence of the word. At least that is what they claim. If a girl ever tells you that something is cute, please do not disagree, because you are wrong. If they said it's cute...it is. Even if it is the exact opposite of the last thing they said was cute. You can disagree all you want, but they will just roll their eyes...although they might think your ignorance is cute.

Examples of things that are cute:

Boys, but never who or when you expect it.

Children and babies, no matter how ugly, are cute.

Old people are cute if they are happy and or still married

Anything smaller than usual is cute (don't believe me? go to Wal-mart and buy a "travel sized" anything and give it to a girl. It's cute)

Things that should be plain but have ugly patterns or weird colors instead
(That pink and brown polka-dot toaster us SO cute!)

Boys who are bad at things--"Oh Steve it's so cute when you try to cook."

Body piercings or tattoos are cute IF they are on a girl that they like. Otherwise they are gross

Over sized accessories are cute "my sunglasses are too heavy for me to hold my head up, but aren't they cute?"

Anything that any guy ever does in a movie is cute...even if it would be creepy or awkward in real life "Oh you showed up at my house with flowers because I didn't have a date for the prom...even though I've never met you before!"

Any girl who has a personality they like is automatically cute

Wearing multiple layers of clothing that don't match is cute

Anything made of snow is cute

All animals are cute

Sports cars can be cute if girls are driving them and "having fun." It also depends if they decorate the car with "cute" things on the inside.

Ugly couples are cute, but if seen individually are just ugly people

Shy and awkward people are cute (outgoing and awkward people are creepy)

Shoes are always cute no matter what

Female alternative/punk rock singers such as P!NK (she has tattoos and piercings)are cute.

So men, if you want to be irresistibly cute you need to be a small old man with tattoos and an eyebrow ring who always dresses in multiple layers of mismatched baggy stripped and dotted cloths and carries a gaudy cane and perhaps a belt that is six inches wide. You also need to be awkward and bad at stuff, like recording punk-rock albums, and you need to come on strong all the time like a guy in the movies, and possibly keep a lot of small children and animals in your house at all times. Also, being ugly doesn't hurt. If you take these recommendations you will instantly turn into someone that all the girls think is "cute."

Stuff Girls Like IV: Snow

Today I heard Kim Moselle utter high pitched whining noises similar to those I imagine a pterodactyl making when their young are threatened. All girls are good at doing this. Why you ask? Because it is the only way they are capable of expressing themselves while uttering the phrase "It's SNOWING!"

Snow is a natural phenomenon that never fails to impress girls at the opening of winter. Like engagements, snow has a tendency to surprise every girl on the planet even though it can be (and is) accurately predicted ahead of time, and (unlike engagements) with astounding regulaity.

"Rain turns into white fluff in November? The world is instantly more fun than it used to be!"

Since two things that would make girls rather die than go outside are Rain and Cold it is very surprising that combining these two elements makes them want to instantly jettison themselves and everyone around them into the nearest "out-doors" they can find.

I recently walked over to a gathering of girls and asked them to say whatever came first to their minds when I said "snow"* to their credit one girl did say "cold" and someone else said "slush" the rest of the responses went like this.

"Snowball fights, Christmas, sparkle, winter, fluffy, snowmen, hot chocolate, going home, glistening, sledding...**" I eventually had to cut them off because it was getting late.

Now don't be confused by girls and their changing ways. Snow is their best friend right up until January 1st, afterwhich things take a startling turn for the worse.

Look forward to my post coming this February entitled "Stuff Girls Hate: Snow"


*I'm not making this up
**Oddly enough I didn't hear anyone say "watching men shovel the driveway"

Essays on Greatness: Part IV

Oh Why Oh Why Oh Why Oh, do you jerks hate Ohio?

Recently there has been some confusion among the geographically impaired of our country*

I have actually heard some people speak out against the great state that is Ohio. Now of course those of you liberally minded folks who like to play devil's advocate might like to point out that through a loop-hole known as the "constitution" this is technically legal in 49 states. But it is also legal to drink radiator fluid yet so seldom do I run across that in my daily life.

For some reason, anti-Ohio heresies (from here by referred to as "hate-speak") has been uttered in my hearing several times this year. This hate-speak can often be heard coming in a garbled fashion from an unfortunate and ignorant person who either is considering giving up on life, doesn't know how to read a map, doesn't know how to watch college football, or doesn't have a very good mastery of the English language. I believe that This Video is an accurate representation of the majority of people that don't understand Ohio

And I heart goes out to those people. Especially those that do not speak English. It is difficult enough to get by in a country where you don't speak the language without being confused for a Michigan fan. Americans are so terrible some times.

But some people actually understand and BELIEVE what they are saying when they Criticize THE Ohio State Buckeyes. And that's kinda scary. With people like that in our country it makes you wonder if it was really a good idea to let them govern themselves in a Democracy. And I guess that's just the sort of stuff that Ohio is willing to put up with in order to ensure the freedoms that we continue to provide for the rest of the states on a continual basis.

At first it made me think that some of these people who "prefer" other teams didn't know that Jim Tressel occasionally lets the other team reach the end-zone more often because it's good for the economy and it's good for the NCAA in general. But if such were the case it would mean that these "fans" had no idea how college sports worked at all. Honestly being a fan and not understanding how it works is like voting for president without knowing what country you're from. And to tell you the truth, I bet a lot of people are going to do this in November.

But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming that these people are just envious. The most envious, of course, are Michigan and Florida, but they are in total denial. I had a talk the other day with my good friend Sigmund Freud and he agreed with me. His theory was long and detailed and contained some rather adult language. A man named Oedipus was mentioned repeatedly. But in the end you can't argue with the father of psychotherapy. I mean, can it really be coincidence that the states that have been most antagonistic towards Ohio are compensating for something with large peninsulas?

* Geographically impaired: Adjective-regularly ascribed to one who is not from Ohio, or Noun-one who is not from Ohio.

Stuff Girls Like III: Engagements

Whoa don't get me wrong, it makes a lot of sense for a girl to be excited about her engagement. In fact, I'm suspecting that if I somehow find myself engaged one day, I'll probably be pretty excited. Though I hope I'm not surprised by it.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact the engagement of two people slightly tangential to your life deciding to spend the rest of THEIR lives together is cause for YOU to celebrate. And if you don't think so, you don't believe in love.

Now it is, of course, more exciting if you KNOW the people engaged, and it's MOST exciting when they are two fictional characters on a highly rated prime time show on NBC. I know this for a fact because I spent about ten minutes quizzing two girls on the best engagements ever. Pam and Jim rank above everything except room-mates and immediate family.

But even when you aren't fortunate enough to know the people getting engaged, you can still be excited. Because people you don't know deciding to spend their lives together is as exciting finding out that Michigan lost a football game.

Sometimes when Cortney is having a bad day I simply make up people and tell her they are engaged.

"Guess what honey? Galvin Gunhold and Susanne Deetz just got engaged!"

"Oh, that's so fun! Are we going to the wedding? Can we walk there?"

Working Out part I

I bet if you are familiar with this blog you think this post is going to be something religious about "working out your faith in fear and trembling." Well it's not.

It's about how stupid weight lifting is.

Background:
1) Steve used to be small but strong when he was in football and lifted daily
2) Steve gradually just became small
3) Steve is gradually shifting from small to "round"

Good now you are caught up to the present.

I'm generally in favor of a lifestyle of laziness and underachievement. From the time I tried to roll onto my back during a wrestling match to avoid a painful hold to the time I prayed my football team would miss a field goal (and therefore the playoffs), I haven't been known for my athletic drive or physical prowess.

But three things have recently fueled my passion to get back into shape.

1) The mini Marathon fiasco of 2007
2) Some of my pants no longer fit and I am too cheap to buy new ones
3) I think Cortney can beat me up.

So I went into the weight room here at good ol' H.U. and was greeted by the welcome scent of "sweat and B.O."* The first thing I noted was that I was smaller than everyone else in the room except in my gut muscles and my butt muscles. However I later learned from a T.V. commercial that those aren't actually muscles. In fact some people spend a lot of money to REDUCE the size of these "non-muscles." The television went on to inform me that these mysterious deposits were not my fault, but that I should be very sad that I have them, and they are almost impossible to get rid of by myself.

But again, I'm cheap. So I'm in the weight room where the average height is about 6'56'' and men may or may not be sculpted from some odd sort of flesh-like rock. And I have discovered why the thin stay thin and the fat get fatter. Working out is only for buff people. You are not welcome to get in shape (in public) unless you are already IN shape. Somewhere perhaps there is a gym were nonathletic people can become athletic, and then perhaps one day they can attend the "beautiful gym," but I'm guessing that no matter what legislation states, these gyms might not be as equal as they are separate.

Somehow I have been able to gain entrance to the forbidden city where big men push barbells like machines and small girls run on ellipticals like gazelles. Perhaps I am the token pudgy kid to ensure that the weakest of the "gods" doesn't suffer from self-esteem issues. So I began to lift.

Two things flooded back to my memory almost immediately. Gravity sucks, and lifting things hurts.

If you are a man and have ever decided to "get in shape" you know about the delicate dance that I now preform in the weight room on a regular basis. I shuffle from apparatus to apparatus wondering which one will hurt the least and if any of them are working muscle groups big enough for me to apply weight in the double digits.

Of course the old male standard, the bench press** is out because it requires a spotter, and therefore embarrassment. And some exercises require complicated muscle movements, weight belts, and grunting. (I have never been good at grunting) But bicep curls are are safe for everyone. Bicep curls are great because you don't have to move much, it hurts in a muscle you actually know the name for, and we've seen them on T.V.

So after I get in a few "reps" while checking myself out in the mirror I make a stop to the drinking fountain, look at the clock, and wonder if it's worth going back in. It isn't. But girls weren't impressed in a day! So I'm back at the leg press, because it can be done sitting down. I also engage in a variety of exercises for which I have no name. So I name them myself. Sometimes I work my "wings" on the "wing machine" doing 3x10 of 30 lbs....It sure FEELS heavy. (And I am unashamed to publish those numbers because you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

After a hard 20 minutes of solid work I'm back at the D.C. building my gut muscles and butt muscles and feeling pretty good about myself. So if you too want to get into shape, I have but one piece of advice for you...bicep curls.


*I have a much more vivid description of this smell but in an effort to keep this blog "G" rated I have abstained from including it. If you would like to know what it really smells like I would recommend taking a sauna with your head in a sleeping bag, or e-mailing me at steve_conn@tayloru.edu

**Quintessential test of manhood

Essays on Greatness Part II

Lately there has been some talk around the nation that Ohio State is not actually as great as it seems. People might mention things like "losing" to certain opponents who themselves are unable to win the big games like Thursday night's fiasco against the mighty Oregon State Beavers

But those people are still just jealous of the inherent greatness that IS. The Ohio State Buckeyes. So let me continue to enlighten you with some more "facts" about Ohio and why it should matter to you.

Ohio was the first state admitted to the union under the Northwest Territory act, and it's original postal abbreviation was "O."

Ohio is the home of Cedar Point--Worlds best amusement park.

Ohio is the mother of presidents.

Ohio is the birth place of the wright Brothers, Thomas Eddison, John Glenn, Ulysses S. Grant and others

If the Above is true, then Ohio invented planes, spaceships, light and politics/military strategy.

Ohio was once voted "Most awesomest place ever"*

Buckeyes are a delicious confection made of peanut butter and chocolate

Ohio single-handedly won the Civil War for the union.

During WWII Ohio supplied more troops and produced more ammunition than either Alaska or Costa Rica.

Murder is more illegal in Ohio than in any other state.

If you are from Ohio you are eligible for free hugs**

Michigan is not in Ohio

Ohio hosts the football hall of fame and the Rock and Roll hall of Fame

Rock and Roll originated in Ohio***

No evil world dictators have ever come from Ohio

The USC Trojans, Florida Gators, Notre Dame fighting Irish, Captain Ahab, Carrot Top, O.J. Simpson, Joseph Stalin, Lorena Bobbit, Ann Rand, and the Shredder are all people/groups that did not originate in Ohio.

Ohio is "the heart of it all"

And if you don't agree that Ohio is the best place, which produces the best football team ever...I will fight you. And I will win, because I'm from Ohio.

* Gallup poll
**Stop by my office
***This is actually true. Though the roots of rock and roll trace back to blues and even to spirituals sung by slaves in antebellum America, the first use of the term was on Cleveland radio to describe the sounds of a resident musician nicknamed "lead belly." The name stuck. Hence the expression/song "Cleveland rocks." (That is also true).

Stuff Girls Like (good natured teasing)

English as a Second Language

This suggestion for S.G.L. was submitted by reader Matt Beres. And the man is right.

Even though we've been taught that you can serve God in any vocation we've REALLY always grown up believing that being a missionary is the best thing you could ever do with your life. ESPECIALLY if it involved Africa.

This is no longer true. Go onto any college campus and tell a girl that you want to be a missionary after you graduate and she will say "oh that's great." Tell the same girl that you have a passion for teaching English as a Second Language and she will start flailing her arms in some capacity whilst enthusiastically shouting "Oh my gosh! ME TOO!"

And this doesn't even necessarily need to be a lie. But it seems that the (average) college going male and female have different views on how ESL is to be approached. Girls seem to have an affinity for learning Spanish and going to poor countries to love toothless natives and teach them English using the skills they have picked up in ESL certification classes. Us guys on the other hand were envisioning something that looked a lot more like picking an interesting destination in China and wandering around until some university picks us up and PAYS us (I know, it's like stealing) to speak to their class just because we have an American accent. The fact that we don't know the difference between a demonstrative determiner and gerund is irrelevant because we are doing something with our lives!

Cortney is ESL certified and taught English one summer in Ecuador. When I tell this to girls they all nod and smile as if to say "I'm so happy Steve found a woman who has realized life's great calling. Steve needs that because he only speaks one language."

If you look at the glass half empty this is just another thing (like walking) for men to feel guilty about not doing. but if you are an opportunist it can be viewed as way to get in good with girls without actually having to do anything. It's not actually necessary to become ESL certified to become a hero in our culture. All you must do is mention something about intending to learn Spanish and you have secured yourself a second date.

Me: "Do you know any resources I can use to learn Spanish? I'm into ESL"
Girl*: "Do you know any churches where we could get married tonight?"


*This is "not" how I got Cortney to date me. And this article is "not" in any way about her.

Essays on Greatness: Part One

When considering college athletics what comes to mind when you think of tradition and a long-standing history of pride and excellence? You think of Notre Dame of course! But guess what? Liking Notre Dame as a football team is like rooting for Great Britain to become the worlds leading superpower again. England is full of tradition and cool old buildings and junk, and sure they gave us a good start, chartered some states, and sent us Led Zeppelin, but now a days they're just tea sipping panty-waistes with crooked teeth. If anyone knows how to rest on their laurels it's England, Notre Dame, a Tenured Professor, and Mr. T.

But barring "Our lady" and that state up North, no team* has the proud tradition and history of the Ohio state university.

If I may, let me educate you on some of the finer points in the history of THE Ohio state University and the great state from which it hails.

The name "Ohio" is derived from the Seneca word ohi:yo’, which has been interpreted to mean "beautiful river" It was admitted to the union as the (insert factual number)th state and did not allow slavery. Michigan, on the other hand not only supported the practice of enslaving disenfranchised blacks but also made a practice of enslaving women and particularly ugly children.

Contrary to popular belief Columbus neither found nor founded the institution in question, this myth persists due to it's early popularity in the new world. But eventually, because expanding the campus was beginning to become costly they stopped building dormitories out of gold and the name "El derado" was eventually dropped.

The Ohio State University (as YOU know it) was founded in 1870 as a land-grant university in accordance with the Morrill Act of 1862 under the name of the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College...In 1878, and in light of its expanded focus, the college permanently changed its name to the now-familiar "The Ohio State University" (with the article "The" as part of its official name).

As you can see, I have consulted a credible source that might not be Wikipedia**

In 1835 those dirty Michiganders wanted into our land so they invaded in what later became known as the Toledo War (I am not making that up). But because the Federal government wasn't man enough to do what must be done (mainly sell Michigan to Canada) we ended up giving them the Upper peninsular in exchange for Toledo. This is not what I call a fair trade.


However, out of this was born the greatest sports rivalry since that young upstart Mr. Pibbs first squared off against the established Dr. Pepper (as the worlds foremost drink that tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper.)***

In the late 1800's coach Woody Hayes invented the sport of football with the help of assistant coach Theodore Roosevelt in the back woods of Augusta Main. Their first team "the rough riders" single-handedly won the Spanish American war as they gallantly took the field to the fan's triumphant cry of "Remember the Maine; to Hell with Spain!"

For years the Rough Riders dominated all competition in the NCAA, (which was then called nothing) and eventually inspired other knock off football team imitations bordering on questionable Mr. Pibb like quality. Among these teams were the Notre Dame fighting
Irish,**** The Michigan Wolverines, The USC Trojans, the Pennsylvania Pacifists, the Denver Broncos, The Miami Heat, the Georgia Bulldogs, the Richmond Whigs, Manchester United, and Team USA.

Roosevelt eventually retired from the Rough Riders to raise a family and become a public servant of some little renown. Leaving Hayes to coach the team by himself. However due to copyright agreements the term "rough riders" was owned by history books, so Hayes adopted the name "buckeyes" after the hard and poisonous nuts which comprised the (man making) diet Hayes and his team observed rigidly. Near the end of his career Woody moved the team to Columbus Ohio becuase it was round on both sides and high in the middle. Which is where we find them today




*With the exception of some other teams
**But it is.
***This is not a very hotly contested title
****Who actually take their names from a particularly violent bar fight over the nationality of St. Patrick, who, ironically enough, did turn out to be English. The offended Irish parties however, being Irish, never apologized for the incident, but rather adopted a characiture of the child they beat up as their mascot

A Personal Vendetta

I've just realized that because my blog has become a public forum
that regularly reaches millions of readers a day; it has become my responsibility to use this opportunity for the good of the nation,

Many* people ask me on a regular basis "Steve, what do you stand for?" Well I stand for a lot of things: Lower gas prices, the fight against poverty, putting Welcome Back Kotter back on the air, getting Nicolas Cage banned from film, and spreading the word of Ender's Game to the farthest corners of the world.

But there is one thing that I am passionate about above all. The never ending quest to rid the world of pennies.

A few years ago my brother-in-law and I began throwing away our pennies. At first it was just a penny here, a penny there, but before long it was every red cent we had the misfortune of coming in contact with.

PENNY FACT: Red is the color of the devil and of communism

If enough people throw away enough pennies the government will eventually take notice. "Oh dear!" they will say "we've made such a blunder minting these little terrors! We've been flushing our money (and souls) down the drain in ridiculously small increments!"

PENNY FACT: A penny saved is not a penny earned. It remains a penny saved


"But Steve" you might say "if you SAVED all those pennies together you could eventually cash them in for a pack of gum!" It is true that when several pennies are amassed together you are tempted to think that they have value. But I GUARANTEE you that the enjoyment you get from throwing pennies away is much greater than their actual monetary value. Besides which, change is never gained without sacrifice.

PENNY FACT: Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver (possibly pennies)

Be a part of the revolution before you are swept away by it. Every time you hear the tinkling sound of YOUR pennies hitting the pavement you are hearing the sound of progress.

PENNY FACT: Pop machines don't even take pennies

If you've ever wanted to live your life for purpose, for meaning, or to be a part of something bigger than yourselves, this is your opportunity. Because even though our individual efforts may mean little, if we combine our strengths we can make a difference. Which is ENTIRELY unlike pennies.

*zero