Essays on Greatness: Part IV

Oh Why Oh Why Oh Why Oh, do you jerks hate Ohio?

Recently there has been some confusion among the geographically impaired of our country*

I have actually heard some people speak out against the great state that is Ohio. Now of course those of you liberally minded folks who like to play devil's advocate might like to point out that through a loop-hole known as the "constitution" this is technically legal in 49 states. But it is also legal to drink radiator fluid yet so seldom do I run across that in my daily life.

For some reason, anti-Ohio heresies (from here by referred to as "hate-speak") has been uttered in my hearing several times this year. This hate-speak can often be heard coming in a garbled fashion from an unfortunate and ignorant person who either is considering giving up on life, doesn't know how to read a map, doesn't know how to watch college football, or doesn't have a very good mastery of the English language. I believe that This Video is an accurate representation of the majority of people that don't understand Ohio

And I heart goes out to those people. Especially those that do not speak English. It is difficult enough to get by in a country where you don't speak the language without being confused for a Michigan fan. Americans are so terrible some times.

But some people actually understand and BELIEVE what they are saying when they Criticize THE Ohio State Buckeyes. And that's kinda scary. With people like that in our country it makes you wonder if it was really a good idea to let them govern themselves in a Democracy. And I guess that's just the sort of stuff that Ohio is willing to put up with in order to ensure the freedoms that we continue to provide for the rest of the states on a continual basis.

At first it made me think that some of these people who "prefer" other teams didn't know that Jim Tressel occasionally lets the other team reach the end-zone more often because it's good for the economy and it's good for the NCAA in general. But if such were the case it would mean that these "fans" had no idea how college sports worked at all. Honestly being a fan and not understanding how it works is like voting for president without knowing what country you're from. And to tell you the truth, I bet a lot of people are going to do this in November.

But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming that these people are just envious. The most envious, of course, are Michigan and Florida, but they are in total denial. I had a talk the other day with my good friend Sigmund Freud and he agreed with me. His theory was long and detailed and contained some rather adult language. A man named Oedipus was mentioned repeatedly. But in the end you can't argue with the father of psychotherapy. I mean, can it really be coincidence that the states that have been most antagonistic towards Ohio are compensating for something with large peninsulas?

* Geographically impaired: Adjective-regularly ascribed to one who is not from Ohio, or Noun-one who is not from Ohio.