Essays on Greatness: Part One

When considering college athletics what comes to mind when you think of tradition and a long-standing history of pride and excellence? You think of Notre Dame of course! But guess what? Liking Notre Dame as a football team is like rooting for Great Britain to become the worlds leading superpower again. England is full of tradition and cool old buildings and junk, and sure they gave us a good start, chartered some states, and sent us Led Zeppelin, but now a days they're just tea sipping panty-waistes with crooked teeth. If anyone knows how to rest on their laurels it's England, Notre Dame, a Tenured Professor, and Mr. T.

But barring "Our lady" and that state up North, no team* has the proud tradition and history of the Ohio state university.

If I may, let me educate you on some of the finer points in the history of THE Ohio state University and the great state from which it hails.

The name "Ohio" is derived from the Seneca word ohi:yo’, which has been interpreted to mean "beautiful river" It was admitted to the union as the (insert factual number)th state and did not allow slavery. Michigan, on the other hand not only supported the practice of enslaving disenfranchised blacks but also made a practice of enslaving women and particularly ugly children.

Contrary to popular belief Columbus neither found nor founded the institution in question, this myth persists due to it's early popularity in the new world. But eventually, because expanding the campus was beginning to become costly they stopped building dormitories out of gold and the name "El derado" was eventually dropped.

The Ohio State University (as YOU know it) was founded in 1870 as a land-grant university in accordance with the Morrill Act of 1862 under the name of the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College...In 1878, and in light of its expanded focus, the college permanently changed its name to the now-familiar "The Ohio State University" (with the article "The" as part of its official name).

As you can see, I have consulted a credible source that might not be Wikipedia**

In 1835 those dirty Michiganders wanted into our land so they invaded in what later became known as the Toledo War (I am not making that up). But because the Federal government wasn't man enough to do what must be done (mainly sell Michigan to Canada) we ended up giving them the Upper peninsular in exchange for Toledo. This is not what I call a fair trade.


However, out of this was born the greatest sports rivalry since that young upstart Mr. Pibbs first squared off against the established Dr. Pepper (as the worlds foremost drink that tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper.)***

In the late 1800's coach Woody Hayes invented the sport of football with the help of assistant coach Theodore Roosevelt in the back woods of Augusta Main. Their first team "the rough riders" single-handedly won the Spanish American war as they gallantly took the field to the fan's triumphant cry of "Remember the Maine; to Hell with Spain!"

For years the Rough Riders dominated all competition in the NCAA, (which was then called nothing) and eventually inspired other knock off football team imitations bordering on questionable Mr. Pibb like quality. Among these teams were the Notre Dame fighting
Irish,**** The Michigan Wolverines, The USC Trojans, the Pennsylvania Pacifists, the Denver Broncos, The Miami Heat, the Georgia Bulldogs, the Richmond Whigs, Manchester United, and Team USA.

Roosevelt eventually retired from the Rough Riders to raise a family and become a public servant of some little renown. Leaving Hayes to coach the team by himself. However due to copyright agreements the term "rough riders" was owned by history books, so Hayes adopted the name "buckeyes" after the hard and poisonous nuts which comprised the (man making) diet Hayes and his team observed rigidly. Near the end of his career Woody moved the team to Columbus Ohio becuase it was round on both sides and high in the middle. Which is where we find them today




*With the exception of some other teams
**But it is.
***This is not a very hotly contested title
****Who actually take their names from a particularly violent bar fight over the nationality of St. Patrick, who, ironically enough, did turn out to be English. The offended Irish parties however, being Irish, never apologized for the incident, but rather adopted a characiture of the child they beat up as their mascot