Pepper Spray

So I am back in Texas with my new wife and my new job. To be honest I'm more excited about the wife part. Our wedding was great and so was our honeymoon. I'd like to tell you all about them but the thing is, I have so many thoughts and emotions on the topic, I would have no way of breaking any of it down into coherent posts of an acceptable length. It's like there's a party in my head and everyone there has had way too much caffeine and lady Gaga is about to perform live in my cerebellum.

So we are going to have to wait until the contents settle a little bit before I can reflect on all of these experiences. And if you EVER expect me to talk about the tragic events that transpired in the NBA involving the king of Ohio then you are going to be disappointed because I JUST can't talk about it.

Instead I want to tell you about the time my wife pepper sprayed me.

Cortney and I had recently returned to Chicago and she found her pepper spray key chain that someone paranoid had given her as a gift. Now I had been asking her for a year if she wanted to pepper spray me because I kinda want to know how bad it would hurt, I wanted to have a really funny story, and because I wanted to show off and impress Cortney with my bravery and toughness.

Girls are never impressed by the right things.

Her brother was in the room as well and he used to be in the marines, he said "oh yeah I did that once. You wanna spray me too?" And Cort said..."yeah"

So amidst the violent protests of her mother, Cortney lead me and her brother Corey outside and sprayed us both in the face.

3 times.

For those of you who didn't know. Pepper spray does not begin working immediately. In fact you feel almost nothing the second it hits your skin. If this ever happens to you don't say "I don't think it's working, try it again. This time make sure you get it in my eye." You also probably shouldn't try to rub it all over your face just to make sure you got a "healthy dose."

Friends, let me tell you about a world of hurt. I've never given birth to a baby before, but I imagine that this is what it would feel like if you gave birth with your face, and the baby was make of paper cuts, sand-paper, and fire, and was liberally chucking little baby fist fulls of salt at your burning eyes every 3 seconds.

Then the burning REALLY started going.

As I lay in the fetal position crying, I wondered if Cortney was impressed by my bravery and toughness. She sounded more amused than impressed, and her mother sounded a bit annoyed. I'm sure that's just the way they respond to something too awesome for words.

After about 30 minutes I was able to open my eyes a little, and after 40 minutes the burning had almost subsided. In the resulting conversation my mother in law stated that she can't think of any pain worse than getting a paper cut in that skin between your fingers.

I disagree.

Was it all worth it? Do it yourself to find out.