Welcome once again to "Stuff Girls Like." For those of you who don't remember, SGL is a installment dedicated to enlightening men on the things in this world that are universally loved by all girls, and will cause girls to act insulted if you ever question them.
It's been wedding season lately. I've been to several weddings, including my own. And I've realized that for reasons unbeknownst to me, girls can not resist the need to "get down" at every possible opportunity.
Dancing,is, I suppose, a cool enough activity. I never do it because I'm bad at it and I find it embarrassing. Sort of the way a lot of people might feel if they were asked to sing in a talent show, naked. Personally, when the music starts to play, I begin to wonder if this is the lucky day I'll get a spinal injury. Cortney, on the other hand gets SOOOO excited to "dance" with her friends.
Why "dance" in quotation marks you ask? Because when girls "dance" they actually stand in a circle facing each other and sing along loudly with the music. This is one of their favorite past times, especially when the song is about men treating women as sexual objects.
For some reason....girls love this. Hearing a musical artist reference the size of their bottoms or inform them that he would like to take them home after they've had a lot to drink is enough to make them all scream and run to the nearest open space so they can form a circle.
Girls will also demand that you join this circle. If you, (for some strange reason) do not want "move it" and sing about things that one might do to a girl in the club, then you are "no fun." Girls dancing at a wedding is a lot like jr. high kids smoking cigarettes, (as portrayed on early 90's TV). You know it's bad for you, you know you will hate it, but you run a high risk of not being accepted if you don't join in. Unlike smoking, you will also be made fun of AFTER you start dancing, because you are bad at it.
To combat this, I have decided that I am going to be doing something else when the dancing starts. I will be singing the song that makes everyone dance. Girls will be so excited when I take the stage that they will look at each other and scream and make all the men they are with feel awkward.
If you want to practice dancing right now, I suggest you get a couple of inanimate objects you can pretend are friends, and place them in a circle facing inward. Play a heavy bass beat on your speakers, and sing very loudly, the lyrics to my new hit song, which will be played at every wedding you go to next summer. It's called "fat booty club night.*"
Shawty, I see you on the dance floor.
Your proportions are pleasing, though unrealistic
I bet other women feel inferior around you.
I hope you are drinking a lot tonight
because after I dance with you I want you to make bad decisions
It's ok though. Because we are having fun.
Everyone in the club has lots of fun.
Dancing until it is very late is a good way to enjoy yourself
Dance, Dance, yeah!
* Guaranteed to make girls stand in a circle and sing.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Ocean
I just went on a student leader retreat with LeTourneau, and it was really awesome. I learned a lot about myself and thought a lot about Christian leadership.
So you might be hearing a lot of "nuggets" that ultimately came from that retreat. So here's an interesting one.
You may remember that one time I compared God's love to the ocean. I don't think that I'm the first person to do this. Before I said that wondering if God's love would be enough for you is like wondering if the ocean would be enough water to fill your cup or wash your cloths. Well, to keep up with that analogy, if God is the ocean, then a lot of us are just people standing on the beach.
A lot of people will look at the water and think it's beautiful, and never go in. This is how I would probably be if you ever managed to drag to a beach again. The water is fine where it is, and we really like it, just as long as we don't have to get involved.
Some people will get their feet wet and test the water out a little bit. But they'll feel the undertow pulling at their feet, feel the waves rolling up against their shins, and they'll decide they don't want to go any deeper.
And then there are those who obey the current and rush in with wild abandon.* You can be completely soaked, in over your head, and surrounded entirely by the love of God. Now, I know everyone reading this is thinking "ok I get it, dive in, go in the ocean. Got it."
Well here's the thing. Maybe on my best day, I've been that person who has dove completely into the ocean with reckless abandon. But the thing is, I've climbed back out of the water. Because sadly, I'm a tourist, when I should be a professional scuba diver, and a surfer, and a deep sea fisher, and a navy SEAL, and possibly a sea cucumber.
Because even if you have been completely submerged in the water, you still haven't seen the whole ocean. You haven't explored every nook and cranny. You haven't charted every square inch of ocean floor. Until you have touched every drop of water there is, you don't really know the ocean.
And that's kind of a cool thought. There is a lot more God out there to experience.
*For those of you who were Christians in 1992 and had a tape-deck, this would be the time to think about Steven Curtis Chapman singing "Diving in."
So you might be hearing a lot of "nuggets" that ultimately came from that retreat. So here's an interesting one.
You may remember that one time I compared God's love to the ocean. I don't think that I'm the first person to do this. Before I said that wondering if God's love would be enough for you is like wondering if the ocean would be enough water to fill your cup or wash your cloths. Well, to keep up with that analogy, if God is the ocean, then a lot of us are just people standing on the beach.
A lot of people will look at the water and think it's beautiful, and never go in. This is how I would probably be if you ever managed to drag to a beach again. The water is fine where it is, and we really like it, just as long as we don't have to get involved.
Some people will get their feet wet and test the water out a little bit. But they'll feel the undertow pulling at their feet, feel the waves rolling up against their shins, and they'll decide they don't want to go any deeper.
And then there are those who obey the current and rush in with wild abandon.* You can be completely soaked, in over your head, and surrounded entirely by the love of God. Now, I know everyone reading this is thinking "ok I get it, dive in, go in the ocean. Got it."
Well here's the thing. Maybe on my best day, I've been that person who has dove completely into the ocean with reckless abandon. But the thing is, I've climbed back out of the water. Because sadly, I'm a tourist, when I should be a professional scuba diver, and a surfer, and a deep sea fisher, and a navy SEAL, and possibly a sea cucumber.
Because even if you have been completely submerged in the water, you still haven't seen the whole ocean. You haven't explored every nook and cranny. You haven't charted every square inch of ocean floor. Until you have touched every drop of water there is, you don't really know the ocean.
And that's kind of a cool thought. There is a lot more God out there to experience.
*For those of you who were Christians in 1992 and had a tape-deck, this would be the time to think about Steven Curtis Chapman singing "Diving in."
Monday, August 9, 2010
Embers
Hey friends. I'm back and blogging in Texas. Things have been really hectic here and my job is a little bit overwhelming. I feel like I'm trying to bail water from a sinking boat with a spaghetti strainer. Note to self: Don't hire a new director of orientation three weeks before orientation.
Anyway, I've been thinking about Marriage. Probably because I just got married. I've actually been wanting to write about this kind of relationship for a long time, but I wasn't allowed to, because I had never been married. Now I've been married for less than a month, which means I'm a total expert and I know everything there is to know about marriage. If any of you would like advice on YOUR marriage, just let me know.
But anyway. I'm still in the exciting part of marriage. Cort and I are still getting to know each other, we aren't over the novelty of being "co-ed roommates," and we don't have money problems, obnoxious children, or slow metabolisms. Life is pretty cool. And yet, hopefully, the best is yet to come.
People tell me that if things all go the way they are supposed to Cortney and I could potentially love each other MORE in twenty years than we do now. But I've never really thought of my mid-forties as an exciting time that I'm looking forward to.
I think that (in many ways) a marriage is like a fire. The interesting part, the part that attracts people's eyes and attention, is the flames. The red-orange glow and the crackling sound that make fires so attractive come from the flickering flames that jump higher and higher as you add more fuel.
But the REAL purpose of the fire, the warmth, comes from the embers. The glowing coals at the bottom of the pile is really the part that throws off the most heat. Anyone who has ever really cooked over a fire knows that you wait a while for it to burn down, and cook the food low over the hot coals. The flames are pretty, but they aren't really doing nearly as much for you in the long run.
And I hope that's what marriage is like. I hope that when a lot of the flames die out, we'll be left with glowing coals, hot embers that are more powerful than the flames ever were.
I was happy when I realized this. I was even more happy when I realized that embers and flames aren't always mutually exclusive. After all, once you get some good embers going, you can always add more fuel to the fire. :)
Anyway, I've been thinking about Marriage. Probably because I just got married. I've actually been wanting to write about this kind of relationship for a long time, but I wasn't allowed to, because I had never been married. Now I've been married for less than a month, which means I'm a total expert and I know everything there is to know about marriage. If any of you would like advice on YOUR marriage, just let me know.
But anyway. I'm still in the exciting part of marriage. Cort and I are still getting to know each other, we aren't over the novelty of being "co-ed roommates," and we don't have money problems, obnoxious children, or slow metabolisms. Life is pretty cool. And yet, hopefully, the best is yet to come.
People tell me that if things all go the way they are supposed to Cortney and I could potentially love each other MORE in twenty years than we do now. But I've never really thought of my mid-forties as an exciting time that I'm looking forward to.
I think that (in many ways) a marriage is like a fire. The interesting part, the part that attracts people's eyes and attention, is the flames. The red-orange glow and the crackling sound that make fires so attractive come from the flickering flames that jump higher and higher as you add more fuel.
But the REAL purpose of the fire, the warmth, comes from the embers. The glowing coals at the bottom of the pile is really the part that throws off the most heat. Anyone who has ever really cooked over a fire knows that you wait a while for it to burn down, and cook the food low over the hot coals. The flames are pretty, but they aren't really doing nearly as much for you in the long run.
And I hope that's what marriage is like. I hope that when a lot of the flames die out, we'll be left with glowing coals, hot embers that are more powerful than the flames ever were.
I was happy when I realized this. I was even more happy when I realized that embers and flames aren't always mutually exclusive. After all, once you get some good embers going, you can always add more fuel to the fire. :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Pepper Spray
So I am back in Texas with my new wife and my new job. To be honest I'm more excited about the wife part. Our wedding was great and so was our honeymoon. I'd like to tell you all about them but the thing is, I have so many thoughts and emotions on the topic, I would have no way of breaking any of it down into coherent posts of an acceptable length. It's like there's a party in my head and everyone there has had way too much caffeine and lady Gaga is about to perform live in my cerebellum.
So we are going to have to wait until the contents settle a little bit before I can reflect on all of these experiences. And if you EVER expect me to talk about the tragic events that transpired in the NBA involving the king of Ohio then you are going to be disappointed because I JUST can't talk about it.
Instead I want to tell you about the time my wife pepper sprayed me.
Cortney and I had recently returned to Chicago and she found her pepper spray key chain that someone paranoid had given her as a gift. Now I had been asking her for a year if she wanted to pepper spray me because I kinda want to know how bad it would hurt, I wanted to have a really funny story, and because I wanted to show off and impress Cortney with my bravery and toughness.
Girls are never impressed by the right things.
Her brother was in the room as well and he used to be in the marines, he said "oh yeah I did that once. You wanna spray me too?" And Cort said..."yeah"
So amidst the violent protests of her mother, Cortney lead me and her brother Corey outside and sprayed us both in the face.
3 times.
For those of you who didn't know. Pepper spray does not begin working immediately. In fact you feel almost nothing the second it hits your skin. If this ever happens to you don't say "I don't think it's working, try it again. This time make sure you get it in my eye." You also probably shouldn't try to rub it all over your face just to make sure you got a "healthy dose."
Friends, let me tell you about a world of hurt. I've never given birth to a baby before, but I imagine that this is what it would feel like if you gave birth with your face, and the baby was make of paper cuts, sand-paper, and fire, and was liberally chucking little baby fist fulls of salt at your burning eyes every 3 seconds.
Then the burning REALLY started going.
As I lay in the fetal position crying, I wondered if Cortney was impressed by my bravery and toughness. She sounded more amused than impressed, and her mother sounded a bit annoyed. I'm sure that's just the way they respond to something too awesome for words.
After about 30 minutes I was able to open my eyes a little, and after 40 minutes the burning had almost subsided. In the resulting conversation my mother in law stated that she can't think of any pain worse than getting a paper cut in that skin between your fingers.
I disagree.
Was it all worth it? Do it yourself to find out.
So we are going to have to wait until the contents settle a little bit before I can reflect on all of these experiences. And if you EVER expect me to talk about the tragic events that transpired in the NBA involving the king of Ohio then you are going to be disappointed because I JUST can't talk about it.
Instead I want to tell you about the time my wife pepper sprayed me.
Cortney and I had recently returned to Chicago and she found her pepper spray key chain that someone paranoid had given her as a gift. Now I had been asking her for a year if she wanted to pepper spray me because I kinda want to know how bad it would hurt, I wanted to have a really funny story, and because I wanted to show off and impress Cortney with my bravery and toughness.
Girls are never impressed by the right things.
Her brother was in the room as well and he used to be in the marines, he said "oh yeah I did that once. You wanna spray me too?" And Cort said..."yeah"
So amidst the violent protests of her mother, Cortney lead me and her brother Corey outside and sprayed us both in the face.
3 times.
For those of you who didn't know. Pepper spray does not begin working immediately. In fact you feel almost nothing the second it hits your skin. If this ever happens to you don't say "I don't think it's working, try it again. This time make sure you get it in my eye." You also probably shouldn't try to rub it all over your face just to make sure you got a "healthy dose."
Friends, let me tell you about a world of hurt. I've never given birth to a baby before, but I imagine that this is what it would feel like if you gave birth with your face, and the baby was make of paper cuts, sand-paper, and fire, and was liberally chucking little baby fist fulls of salt at your burning eyes every 3 seconds.
Then the burning REALLY started going.
As I lay in the fetal position crying, I wondered if Cortney was impressed by my bravery and toughness. She sounded more amused than impressed, and her mother sounded a bit annoyed. I'm sure that's just the way they respond to something too awesome for words.
After about 30 minutes I was able to open my eyes a little, and after 40 minutes the burning had almost subsided. In the resulting conversation my mother in law stated that she can't think of any pain worse than getting a paper cut in that skin between your fingers.
I disagree.
Was it all worth it? Do it yourself to find out.
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