Let me enlighten you as to how I know these things for sure.
Background
Once long ago fate smiled upon Brent Fannin and provided for him a free couch on the roadside by Fairlane apartments. Unfortunately for Brent, Steve frowned upon him and took the couch for himself.*
But because Steve is very whipped he gave the couch to his beautiful girlfriend Cortney who wanted it in her dorm room. Steve Believed that it was impossible to move such a large couch through the twisted doorways of English and into her little room, but fate smiled upon him too, and the couch was thusly delivered.
In the middle ages castles were built for defense. Staircases spirals to the right so right handed swordsmen could swing their weapons while climbing the stairs. Corridors were narrow to force attackers to pass through one at a time. Rooms and walls were often positioned at odd angles so an attacking army wouldn't have enough space to swing a battering ram. I am convinced that the architect who built English Hall was convinced its residence would be under assault. Rest assured women of Mary Tower English, your fortress can withstand any attack.
The Present Day
I am whipped and Phil has the heart of a servant so we went up to Cortney's third floor dorm room in order to extract this couch like a bowling ball through a Chinese finger trap. I assured Phil that if we could get it in, we could also get it out. But 20 minutes, 5 stifled curses, and about $60 worth of fines** later Phil and I were standing on opposite sides of an inverted devil couch that was one third in Cortney's room, one third in the hallway, and one third in another room.
As I tried to fold the couch in half like a soft taco Mr. Byers observed that sheer force might not avail us as well as some problem solving skills. Now I can do the Rubik's cube, so I thought this was playing to my advantage, but I had underestimated the couch.***
(Diagram of our route through English to scale: Click to Enlarge)
Fast Forward an hour and Phil had sweet talked every girl on 3rd South English into wanting to marry him, but the couch was still wedged between a rock and a hard place--and two more rocks--and a vice--and a whole family of little hard places that grew up together in Italy but decided to move to America last winter just to screw me.
Then, in a move of utter despair I hurled my body forcefully at the couch with little intent besides killing myself when the impossible happened. The impossibly huge couch passed through the impossibly small opening and we were free. Now pardon the imagery but if you've ever given birth you might have an idea what I felt like at that moment.
Long story short...we got it out. And now I owe Phil a life debt.
So Cort, now you have proof that I love you, but we are going to have to name our first kid Phil Byers Conn.
*The details of this transaction make it seem a little less shady but if Brent ever complains about me having stolen his couch...he's not exactly lying.
**we scraped the floor, two door jams, and three doors. Why they had English built so that one piece of furniture could touch three doors at once...I don't know.
***I can do the Rubik's cube in 3 minutes. It took us 90 minutes to move the couch.
2 comments:
Who is Phil Beyers?
Steve, I want you to know two things:
1. I laughed out loud while reading this post, and Andrew looked at me funny every time I did it.
2. This is what you get for stealing my couch.
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