death of a "dream" (the drive)

I have an announcement. But before I make it let's put a disclaimer on it. I can think of at least two readers who are going to say "WHAT? SAY IT ISN'T SO!" But read until the end.

It has always been one of my life goals to write a book. and I have decided recently that I am going to remove that from my list of goals. I am hereby giving up on the dream of writing a book.

GASP! SHOCK! AWE! I know I know. But here is why. To be honest, I don't have a great passion for writing. I have a great passion for being read. And I don't have a great passion for a job well done, I have a great passion for being recognized. And let's be honest I do NOT hear God calling me to write a book.

Some (me) might say, "But Steve, you have such insight and wisdom coupled with humor that makes it all so readable. You are doing a service to the world and using your gifts by writing a book. Don't waste your gifts! God will be sad!

Perhaps true...perhaps. But sincerity check. Lets say I had an awesome book idea and right before I wrote it pretty much the same idea came out from another author. Would I say "oh good, these people are learning this wisdom and growing in God" or would I say "Crap that jerk stole my idea?" In case you can't guess the answer it's the second one.

Also I feel this uncomfortable sense of "should." And I want to be wary of this. Sometimes god uses an uncomfortable sense of "should" to prod us in the right direction. But also lots of times we convince ourselves we "should" based on expectations that don't come from the Father.

The "should" I'm talking about makes me feel guilty when I come across a quote or source or idea that would fit well in "my book" and I'm not cataloging it. I'm guilty because I'm not working on it, and becuase I have no structure for my ideas. Writing a book out of guilt for not doing so because you are gifted and you have somehow set up an expectation for yoruself that you "should." That sounds like a good reason to undertake a project.

Does this mean I wont ever write a book? No it does not. But it does mean that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life acting like I'm in the pre-writing stages of something that is going to change the world. In another time I might just sit down and write a book, but I hope I'm able to manage doing it with a little more humility than you generally get out of Steve Conn. Why the change of heart? Because I took a look at what was driving me and decided it wasn't something that needed to be obeyed.