Good news for all of you out there who knew I would someday make it big. I am finally a published author! Where have I been published you ask? In the Bathroom stalls of Malone College!
That's right, your good friend and mine, THE Ryan Anderson** is a hall director at Malone college and is bringing up his students in the way they should go. They are learning about how much girls like snow*** via my blog printed out on a bathroom publication Ryan calls "The Plunger."
Also, a man who seems to be my brother from another mother, Josh Wymore, had recently submitted to me a well researched and well worded essay on why he believes Texas to be superior to Ohio. Although riddled with logical fallacies and inconsistencies it is good to see another non-Michigander exhibiting blind hatred to all states not his own. The same practice that has helped me to sleep at night following national championship games. Here is an excerpt from his misguided, yet beautiful, piece of work.
Not only could Texas’ longhorn mascot completely devour a horde of buckeyes, he has on several occasions. Bevo proceeded to ask that future buckeyes be made without chunky peanut butter, stating, “choosy cows choose Jiff.” After communicating this to his trainers, Bevo then slept for eight hours
Important scientific-like studies have also shown that 3 in 5 men born in Ohio are genetically incapable of growing mustaches. This fact contrasts sharply with Texas where toddlers celebrate their first goatee at age 6. Gillette has now begun sending razors to Texas boys at the beginning of their 4th grade year.
Please let me say that I mean no offense to those persons unlucky enough to be born outside the Lone Star State. My heart goes out to those of you who do not, and never will, have the chance to be a genuine Texan. Take comfort in the fact that you have company; millions of other people just like you are not fortunate enough to live in “The Greatest Nation in the World.” We call them “Americans.”
If this style of flamboyant ignorance seems familiar to you it should be noted that Josh and I do get along quite well outside of his tendency to overcompensate for not being round on both sides and high in the middle.
But I have forgiven his errant ways, just as I would forgive anyone for being from the wrong state, or an atheist, or a murderer, or not liking Ender's Game, or believing that Jar Jar Binks belongs in a Star Wars movie. The only people I can't forgive are Michigan fans...like Ryan Anderson.
*mom
**That is not THE Ryan Anderson...that is "A" Ryan Anderson
*** True story I walked by a girl today who was yelling "It's SOOOO COLD!" and I said to her, "you can't have snow without cold." She responded by saying "whatever" but as he was leaving earshot I heard her start yelling again "It's SOOOO WINDY"
2 comments:
I just had a thought--what if we could co-host a late-night comedy show together. I'm pretty sure I would wet myself with glee, oh brother-from-another-mother.
Hook 'em, Horns.
You should know that the idea the Texan suggested stemmed from my original thought that "The" Danger should host his own late-night show. I would tune in at the one AM hour to hear stand-up from a fellow Buckeye.
Side note: I just encountered Lil' Conn doing lunges down the hallway on her trip to the ladies' room. Interesting clan, you Conns.
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